Shocked H in NJ looking for DB help

[Gina]

Honestly, I think you are doing great so my advice would be to keep it up and be consistent with your actions (the ones that are working)! If my H was consistent I would trust that the changes (if he were to make any) were for real.

Your W is going to be skeptical and not believe that your actions are real or are going to last. That is okay, just keep it up consistently on your end. Actions speak louder then words. My H has told me he is sorry for the same thing so many times I could give the speech by heart now. So you can imagine that I don't take him very serioulsy when he says it and I am just waiting for him to do it again, sad to say but true. So don't do as much talking, do more showing.

Also give your W time to let the changes sink in. You will need a lot of patience for this! So try not to get frustrated because that can lead to backsliding and until your W believes the changes you are making are genuine and going to last the minute you backslide she will think, I knew the changes weren't real and that he is his same old self ~ or at least that is what I would think (& have thought) if it were my H. Not to say that if you backslide you can't get the momentum back but it will take work!

I hope that helps!

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Gina, you're wonderful! I'll keep in touch... much more to type when I have time later.

[Willing NJ H]

Hey DBers, how is everyone? I took a few weeks off from coming on here and started reading DBing. I tried implementing acting as if and getting a life without coming on here for support everyday, to see how it would feel trying to do this on my own. I started doing very well (in my opinion) and the W actually talked with me about my "changes". She commented on how she really liked the new me and wanted to know how I "just changed everything overnight?" She said that I made just the right changes and did things as if I knew exactly what she wanted. She said that she was feelings "neutral to positive" toward me and felt comfortable with me as a friend again. She advised me that she hadn't felt that way in a very long time, and that it was a welcome change; but she quickly cautioned that it "didn't mean we were getting back together."

There have been several posistive interactions, and I don't initiate anything. Most of our friends / family still don't know we are separated, so if they ask us to do something, I leave the decision up to her (since she said that she wants to call the shots for a while and feel like she has some control.) She generally wants to go out / go visit our friend/family member and has a great time while we are out together. A little over a week ago, she said that she felt kind-of "cramped" as she thought we "slipped right back into everyday life and fotgot about the space we were supposed to be having." I nicely explained that I left all decisions up to her, and that she could decide not to do something and it wouldn't bother me or our friends/family. She then acknowledged that she was in control lately, and she had the power ot say no;and told me that it made her feel better.

The last week or so has been extremly tough! It's hit me extremely hard that i've had no emotion, love, concern or contact with my wife for two months and I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to follow the rules, but this week there's just no comforting the pain for some reason.

She has gone out with her girlfriends a few times and had fun, but she later makes herself feel guilty stating that shes spending too much money and acting like a teenager. I try to mostly listen and just support and encourage the fact that it's good for her to have her own life and that it is what I walways wanted for her in our relationship. I told her that I always wanted her to have freedom and independance along with depandability and comfort with me. It seems to stop her from torturing herself, but shes still like an extreme emotional and confused roller-coaster.

Her actions recently have been very cold and distant, and she seems as if shes trying to live the life of one of her friends at work. The girl is about a year younger than my wife, and is a "playgirl." She's a night owl party girl, and is dating several men without any form of connection on her part. She uses men for her own fun and what she can get from them and seems to be trying to pull my wife into her college girl type world. I don't know if my wife wants the dating aspect of her friends life, but it sure seems like ti to me and the whole package has been creating a lot of mixed feelings with me. I try to ignore it, act as if , and relaize that I have no say over her actions or wants, but this is still getting to me. I don't think theres an OM, but I have no doubt that she's attracted to the single life and playgirl style of having several men to use that her friend does. I know that her friend is confusing the issue, and puts distance between the progress that we make, but I keep it to myself and hope that DBing will get us thorugh it (especially without any infidelity).

All in all, I have made tremendous progress and am proud of myself. My friends, family and co-workers are all commenting on how easy going i've become, and keep teasing me about how bossy I used to be. My changes have brought me closer to everyone else in my life, and have given me a new sppreciation for life in general. I've become even closer to my daughter, and have been having daddy/daughter outings and moments with her that have been keeping me in this relationship and maintaining my sanity. I've lost about three inches on my waist, am running five miles every other day, and am lifting again. My confidence is much better, and I am more comfortable in my own skin.

I know that I am doing all I can, and am trying to get through Michelle's books, as they give me a great level of understanding and comfort. Even though I'm doing everything I can right now, I can't get rid of this feeling of being "doomed". She seems reluctant to make further progress and to come closer to me, and her mood swings and sometimes rude demeanor have been making me vdery upset/mad. I don't show her ANY negative emotions or comment on anything bad, but can't help but feeling that she could be doing more and is destroying our family to act like a teenager. I am trying to get this out of my head and return to a positive outlook, but haven't figured out how. I see her acting like she's single, and get upset that she may bring a man into my daughters life that could cause her any type of harm. She seems to believe that she needs something new and that re-kindling our relationship is near impossible , but has the slightest concern for the impact it would have on our daughter and our finances should we split. She doesn't know "how to become attracted to me again or how to start over", and would rather give up than figure it out. She's up and down emotionally, and is refusing to start trying to become closer to me.

I know it's only two months in and we've been together for 8 years, and I know I need to change my thoughts on these matters no matter what she thinks or does; but I can't figure out how. Acting as if helps, but is very hard and not 100% at this point. You guys are always wonderful, and seem to have advice and comments that make me feel better. NOMO and GINa, I can really use your advice if you've had time to read this (as well as anyone else.) Thanks, sorry so long but it's three weeks of updates. I'll be checking up on everyone's blogs over the next week. Talk to ya soon.

[Heimlich]

Willing,

I just read over your thread and you seem miles from where you started. Every are of your life has improved for the better, including your relationship with you W.

All I'll say is to keep doing what you're doing, because it's working. And, Patience. As you said, it's only been two months. As everyone points out, and we all need the reminders, we can't control what our S does. You've made yourself an attractive person to be with again. She notices. Keep it up.

BD

[Gina]

First let me say ~ awesome stuff here! You are doing great, keep it up and I think you will continue to see improvement in all areas of your life!! I have a few comments to what you wrote:

I started doing very well (in my opinion) and the W actually talked with me about my "changes". She commented on how she really liked the new me and wanted to know how I "just changed everything overnight?" She said that I made just the right changes and did things as if I knew exactly what she wanted. She said that she was feelings "neutral to positive" toward me and felt comfortable with me as a friend again.

It is great that she commented on the changes she has seen. Use that as your motivation to keep it up. Like I told you before she is most likely waiting for you to slip up. Don't!!! No matter what it takes, DON'T!!! Just be extremely consistent with the changes that she tells you she likes. I really think consistency is key for you in your sitch. It will help build trust again with your W.

but she quickly cautioned that it "didn't mean we were getting back together."

This sounds pretty typical for a WAS. She is scared and doesn't trust the changes you have made yet so she is keeping her guard up. Take it with a grain of salt and just keep on going. She may also be testing you to see what you say and do to these type of comments and to find out where you are with things. My H does this pretty frequently. He projects how he thinks I feel on to me so I either agree or disagree (well, I used to. Now I don't say much at all). Just stay positive and act as if all the time. That really seems to work for you in your R and in other areas of your life.

Most of our friends / family still don't know we are separated, so if they ask us to do something, I leave the decision up to her (since she said that she wants to call the shots for a while and feel like she has some control.)

This is good. I think letting her have control and you reacting positivly no matter what her decision is, is the best way to go. I get the impression your W felt like she had very little say in the going ons so I would imagine she find this to be very empowering, which is good for both of you. Now just keep up the positive attitude and encouraging her to make decisions/be in control because your reactions to this will make all the difference. She needs to know that you trust and value her opinions, thoughts and ideas.

A little over a week ago, she said that she felt kind-of "cramped" as she thought we "slipped right back into everyday life and fotgot about the space we were supposed to be having." I nicely explained that I left all decisions up to her, and that she could decide not to do something and it wouldn't bother me or our friends/family. She then acknowledged that she was in control lately, and she had the power ot say no;and told me that it made her feel better.

I think you handles this absolutely wonderfully!!!

The last week or so has been extremly tough! It's hit me extremely hard that i've had no emotion, love, concern or contact with my wife for two months and I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to follow the rules, but this week there's just no comforting the pain for some reason.

I hear ya! (((HUGS)))! It is normal to feel this way and some days are going to be worse then others. Make sure you come here to journal your thoughts so that we can provide support to you. I really believe nobody else but the people on these BB really understand the pain all of this causes. My best advise (and I do know how hard this is)! is to be patient and continuing to act as of towards her. I know you don't feel like it because of being down but you really are doing great! I can see a huge postive difference in your latest posts compared to your previous posts. Just keep in mind, if we can see it, so can your wife and so far she has responded pretty positively to the changes in you! Seriously, keep up the good work, you are doing fabulous! Like I said before, I would be estatic if my H put half as much effort into changing my thoughts about him as you are! You should be very proud of yourself for trying to make things right with your W!

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks Gina and Heimlich, I relly needed the positive comments. Gina, you are definately a huge help as always; Thanks!

Well,the last 2 days were our regular grind with our horrible opposite schedules. Works been tough this week (Police Officer for those who haven't read; don't want ya to get the wrong idea.) Had husbands beating their wives, gang-bangers shooting at people and another homicide. I come home to being lonely, but playing with my little girl changes the whole world when I get home. I actually stayed at work and hung with the guys for a while after my shift last night. It was a nice change of pace, as our babysitting doesn't usually allow it, and my wife was happy to hear that I actually hung out. My D and I took my mom, stepdad and my grandparents to lunch today. They had a blast with the baby, and it was a nice time. After that, D and I went to a few stores and made it home in time for my wife to see her before she went back to work (she works 12hr midnights and sleeps during the day). Once she went to work, I hung out with my sister and her family all night. My D loves playing with my nephew, so it gave her someone to play with.

All in all, it was good for me, but the thought of having to lose everything and starting over are still drifting through my mind at times. I pass houses for sale and dread the possibilities. I quickly "act as if", and get back on track, but its tough. The loneliness is the worst thing right now, because it reminds me of my sitch and i'm a very romantic and family oriented person.

I'm doing my best, and I seem to be seeing the light at the end of a bad week. Thanks to everyone for helping me keep on track and not forget why i'm here. I got myself so upset and mad last week, that I would've called it all off had it not been for my daughter. My mind is much clearer now, and I see that I was reacting out of pain and fear, and thank god that I didn't let her see it. You guys pulled me through a bad spot and i'm very greatful.

[dlt1]

Hi Willing,
Wow, reading your sitch really helps me see the long term aspect. I keep thinking of tomorrow and next week, can't imagine 3 months! You have done a great job, it's hard realizing that you only change yourself, what she does is up to her. I was driving around last night waiting for a friend to get home. Found myself taking note of houses for sale as well. Talk about jumping off the "Cliff of Depression" into the "Sea of Hopelessness" LOL, caught myself feeling sorry and tossed those thoughts out of my mind. I always bottled everything up and did not deal, so now I say to myself "Ok this sucks and it could be the end, I'm sad." That way I've confronted my feeligs (somewhat) and then back to Act As If and think about where we'll be once we get through this together. My biggest worry is that she will stick to the 30 sep and with little or no progress, just want to bail. Did you two ever discuss deadlines or anything like that? Sorry, off target there.
Your R with D is good, keep your focus on yourself and D, the happiness will surely embolden you to keep your head up and keep getting better at being you.

[Willing NJ H]

Thanks DLT1, i'll post a reply on your blog

[Willing NJ H]

Well guys, another tough couple of days. We haven't spoken much, and things felt pretty dreary. Last night we went to a Kenny Chesney concert, and she seemed kind of withdrawn and distant. (I had given her the opportunity not to go, or to take someone else, but she decided to go with me.) She didn't seem too into it at first, but slowly warmed up. During the 1st half of the show, she blurted out "he reminds me of John". Referring that Kenny Chesney looks like her ex-boyfriend from high school and just after. She's mentioned him a few times lately in comparison, and i've already told her that i'm not him, and have treated her much better than he ever did (before I started DBing.) It pretty much killed my spirit for the rest of the night, and I went from truly having a good time to "acting as if". It really itks me, because the guy treated her like crap, controlled her, told her who she could be around, yelled at her, etc; and after they were broken up for a while used her and gloated about it. They dated ten years ago, but she almost seems to be fantasizing about him? She hasn't seen him in 8 years, but he's now a Navy seal (just my f-in luck), and truly looks like K.C.. She's been in such a fairytale fantasy world lately, that I can't tell where I stand, or what's going on.

I was dwelling on how bad a divorce would be today, even though I know not to, and it felt more like it's going to happen than ever. I pulled off the road for a bit, requested my lunch break and read DBing for 30 mins. It helped me feel a sense of calm, and allowed me to regroup, but how to you guys do this for several months or years? I know the rules, I try very hard not to make a single mistake, but I feel like i've taken a horrible beating. I've been very upset because of the impact a negative result will have on my daughter, and am fighting so hard to shake the negativity. I have a very strong feeling that I want to end this by just getting out, but I know that isn't what I truly want and won't do it because of my little girl.

My emotions are a mess, my W is acting very distant and childish, and I feel totally trapped in limbo waiting for her to decide my fate. The result seems so certain, but I know things can change and I don't let her see my hurt or anger. I knew this would be tough, and I now know why it's referred to as a roller coaster. I thought I was handling it so well, and now Ifeel like I can't handle it. My D is my only strength right now, and I am desperately trying to pull myself together.

As far as the comments about her ex and such, I fin myself resnting the comments and her thinking because of how our life has effeted me. I have a football player type build, and am a big guy. I was very into weight lifting, got into running regularly after going through my academies and whatnot, and maintained a fairly muscular and fit build. I was never cut, but didn't have much body fat, and was a big guy. As with most people, after having our daughter I had no time to workout or run, and took my role as a parent to be paramount. I tried taking care of myself, but had no time and didn't think twice as it was for the good of my family. Now she only seems into these little model looking guys, and it upsets me and makes me mad. When she was very out of shape for a few years, it didn't bother me one bit. I was just as attracted and loved her just as much. Now, she seems to be holding it against me when I used to be extremely atheletic and have been trying to get it back as my D becomes more self sufficient. She lost her weight by eating right and running with co-workers after work while I had our D, and is now acting like a stuck-up teenager who has no responsibilities. She's not helping me much with our home, shes out with friends much more and shirking chores and some of her time with our D (alothough she is a great mom), and i'm just not dealing with all of the B.S. very well right now.

I know that most of this is part of the process, and I need to "act as if". I've been getting a life and doing what I can (altough she's made that almost impossible by working most of my days off), but this is just crazy. These new moods of hers are making me think things are going down the gutter and are scaring the hell out of me. She's noted my vast improvements and told me how much she loved them, but this new stuff has me totally dazed and confused.

Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent. Any creative ways to deal with this is very welcome.

[Heimlich]

Willing,

I think you answered your own question throughout your thread:
1. Act as if
2. Spend time with her when you can, and be patient
3. Keep the health/workouts going for you
4. Kids are portable. Round about your D's age, she's 2 if I recall, they get a lot easier to move around. Take her places (which I believe you've been doing already).
5. Vent here, not to her. Don't give her an excuse to keep acting childish. As you keep becoming a stronger you, the focus will shift back to her and how she's acting. Expect some backlash.
6. Buckle up for the ride.
7. As you said, she's in a fairytale fantasy world. Ride it out.

Anyway, you could always tazer her, right? (Just kidding).

How was the KC concert? I'm a semi-fan and have thought about going off and on.

BD