Not sure anymore

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, guys, feeling really low again. Not sure why. I just all of a sudden feel like "how am I to think he is going to be happy when he gets back & has been here awhile, back in the same old routine when he obviously wasn't before."

I know I have changed, but deep down, I still feel like I don't truly like myself or even know who I am anymore. I know that was a huge part of my problem all these years and what made me act the way I did to cause a lot of the problems we had.

I read another sitch over in "marital problems" where the W said she just didn't know who she was anymore. I know how she feels and maybe it happens to a lot of us. I got pregnant w/ our first boy immediately after we got married. I got out of the Air Force so that we wouldn't both be in w/ children -- or we thought at that time, a child.

After he finished tech school and we moved to our first station, I had a lot of friends, stayed at home w/ first son, etc. Then he was deployed and I realized I needed something more. I went back to work part-time at first and then full-time later. It was like the grass was always greener. I didn't like staying home, but then once we bought the new vehicle since I was working full-time and I was pretty much stuck working, I wasn't happy w/ that either. I got pregnant again, but it turned out I had a "blighted ovum" which means that there was a placenta, etc., but no actual baby. So, I didn't actually lose a baby, but we lost the idea of having another one. I think that affected me more than I ever let on. Like I've said before, I'm always the strong one. You do what you gotta do & move on.

Then when we decided to move back here, it was ok b/c H wasn't going to be deployed at all since he would be an instructor. We came back to where he had gone to tech school but it's a very small town. In fact, when we lived here the first time, I called it the "armpit of the world." My son and I would go to Wal-Mart just to get out of the house.

I ended up pregnant again w/ second son and then when he was just 2, I had third son. Like I said in my last "wah post," I guess H had consulted w/ D lawyer prior to us being surprised w/ son 3. Also, when I was on maternity leave w/ son 2, that was when he finally told me about the 2 supposedly EA's he had while deployed that first time and then the one night stand he had while deployed a different time. Later during the D sitch, he told me he actually was hoping that I would tell him to leave since my motto had always been "you cheat, you're gone," however, when there are children involved and until you are actually in the sitch, you really don't know how you are going to react.

I guess I'm just journaling. I need to just start a journal and get my feelings out. I'm afraid sometimes that the "changes" I made were really just to make him happy and I feel like a real phony. Like I said, how is it that he's going to all of a sudden be happy in our life together when he wasn't for so many years before?

I feel like I'm going to live the rest of my life living for him and always wondering if he's going to up and decide to leave again any day. When he sat me down that day and told me we needed to "go our separate ways," I honestly had no idea that that was even an option for us. I had no idea it was coming and that he was unhappy enough to just throw it all away. Then, I did all the work to make things good again while he sat back and did not a damn thing. Now he acts like nothing ever happened and he's just happy as a clam.