Need advice, please

[Matilda2]

Sounds like you could use a cyber hug (((Mark)))

[Ohio_Mark]

Thanks Matilda. I do need that hug. (and a lot more would be nice too, but that's a different issue...)

I am concerned that she is gonna "fake it" all the way to the courthouse steps. However.... during the last (brief) R/D discussion we had (about a week ago), she said it was time to move forward with D. I asked her "why are you in such a hurry? It seems as if you are 'rushing to the door?'" Now, I expected her to say, "well, it's gonna happen anyway" or "I'm tired of living with you." But instead she said, "I'm not rushing toward the door? I'm not in a hurry." I thought this was an interesting response.

I told her today that I am joining a men's fraternal organization. My first meeting is this week. Chalk up one more GAL for me!

Other GAL: I worked this weekend on the fishing boat & trailer. Need to do just two more things and it will be ready to go. Unfortunately, one is I have to have the outboard motor repaired. I am taking it in this week. BTW, it's been sitting in our garage for over seven years. Have not taken it out on probably 10 years, so this is a big GAL for me. Look forward to taking my boys fishing.

[Rob1231]

Hey Mark, Just wanted to throw in my own two cents here.

I do fear you may be treading on thin ice a little, but not in the way you think. Your Get A Life activities need to be focused on making yourself happy, enthusiastic about life, interesting, and strong. They are for YOU.

It sounds like you are on the slippery slope of GAL for the primary purpose of saving your marriage - using them as a manipulative tool to get a reaction out of your wife. The problem is that your wife will see through it, and she will (probably correctly) interpret this to mean that the changes are not "real".

In addition, if things do not work out with your marriage, you won't have built a new, happier Mark to move forward in the future. If you are only GALing in order to impact her, then you haven't really Gotten A Life.

Change your focus. Don't obsess so much about how she reacts and what she does. REALLY focus on doing these things because they make you happier and stronger, and for NO OTHER REASON.

I'm not saying full disclosure is necessary - a little mystery is a great thing. But when that mystery starts to become the POINT of the activity, you're missing the boat.

Finally, I agree with what you've heard from some other folks here. She's very confused and scared right now. Don't take what she says as true, or what she does either. It'll take a while for her to work through this stuff - remember, TIME and PATIENCE are your best friends.

Hang in there!
Rob

[Ohio_Mark]

Thanks 100 times Rob. I agree that, a while ago, I was motivated to GAL's by a focus on fixing the marriage. My thinking now is that I am working on ME - becoming the person that I want to become. If she decides to ditch OM and join me, then we will work on fixing what we have and move forward. If she doesn't, well, I have made improvements in my life, external and internal, and I will just get on with my life, and be a better (more attractive, more confident, etc) person for it. Given the progress I have made and her state of mind, I like my chances.

You wrote: "I'm not saying full disclosure is necessary - a little mystery is a great thing. But when that mystery starts to become the POINT of the activity, you're missing the boat."

Agree 100% that I fumbled on Friday night. I was unnecessarily deceptive. It wasn't a disaster, and sure wasn't a backslide. But I agree that I need to stop being concerned about what she thinks about what I do... and just do the GAL activities.

Also agree she is VERY scared. I came into some information last night that confirms this. She is physically very clingy when she is with OM, and says "tell me you love me" regularly (it's a long story how I found this out). She is not in love with him, she is infatuated with him, and is behaving like a 14 year old girl. (BTW, we had a small disagreement on Sunday morning and she actually said "Takes one to know one!!!" Yes, she really said it. I stifled a laugh, which made her even angrier. Couldn't help it...)

Again, thanks Rob. I have time, and I have patience. My kids are my motivation!

[SallyM]

mark, sounds like our spouses are somewhat similar. to the point that they were signing their text messages "gt hearts jc/jc hearts gt" gag. literally. gag. this was a couple of months ago and I actually asked him who, outside of a 14 year old girl, does that? he had the decency to look embarassed by it and said it was a joke. um, yeah, buddy, nice.

anyway, sounds like you are in a good place, or at least very motivated. everything you say is what I know I need to do, too...I know I need to GAL and work on me and stop doing it to save the marriage until H wants to actually get in the game. still, its hard. at least for me it is. I hope I can get there someday.

good luck!

[imLIN]

I might be just really in dark...but what is "gt hearts jc/jc hearts gt"???

[Ohio_Mark]

Um, not really sure, bit highly confident that it's a simulation of graffiti... visualize the initials with a heart in between. Oh, don't feel bad...the reason that you could not create this visual (and I could) is that you probably are not dealing with a WAS who is behaving like a 14 year old... and I (+ others) am...

Morgan:
Thanks for the support. I appreciate the supportive words I get from all, and try to either return the favor or "pay it forward" to others. If nothing else, we have each other, right?

Please allow me one more "jab" at WAW: When WAW rides in his pick-up truck, she sits in the middle seat, and leaves the passenger seat empty. Pathetic to the power of pathetic...

[imLIN]

Ok...now I get it that it is their initials...I thinking too deep...

BTW...I did have a WAS/MLC-H who acted like a rebelious teenager except that he bought a BMW convertable with all the extras and had NO INCOME!!!...how mature is that...so it finally got repo'd when they called me and we managed together to figure out where he was living...

He also dressed wayyyyy to young, grew a hideously immature goatee that he had to color....along with his hair and mustache...which all became all different colors!!!

So trust me...I can relate...but thanks for explaining that for me...now thinking back to being 13-15 I remember doing those things...sad that your wife is doing it now...hopefully she will recover

[Ohio_Mark]

imLIN:
Hey given what you said, I am surprised you didn't figure the puzzle out!!! It's funny (but not really) how these MLC's take over those that we love. We maintain composure (mostly) while they act up and act out. I often feel sorry for my wife. it's like she is possessed or something...

Anyway, here is my latest dilemma: I am doing a GAL activity with my three kids tomorrow. I was at home telling them about it, saying it will be just the four of us, and WAS fires out: "Well thanks for inviting me!!" I was struck dumb. I had no reply, she just turned and walked away.

I guess no reply was better than a bad one (the bad one being "Listen, I know that your lover is coming into town tonite (he lives 300 miles away), so I have no doubt that any free time you have tomorrow will be spent naked in his hotel room.") I DID NOT say that (she does not know that I know he is coming into town). Any suggestions on how to reply next time (there will be MANY next times)...?

Mark

[Dr LOve]

Mark,
I always leave the door open for my W to join us. I know she won't, but that is not the point. My son knows with out being told that Mom didn't want to come. NOT Dad didn't invite her or Dad didn't want her to come.
I let my X W bury herself. The same thing is happening in my current sitch. Except for my Eureka trip. (that is a Father son thing) ANYWHERE else I take my son she is more than welcome to join us.Maybe she would learn what having fun as a famnily is all about.It also saves you worring how to repy next time because you will not need to.

Husband