I did not go to the C. today because I thought I could get by until next week since I had such a good day yesterday. Big mistake.
I know that one! I put off calling my DB coach until I have to and sometimes I really wish I'd called sooner.
I don't know if it's so much feeling sorry for yourself (even though it's normal to go there given what you've experienced) as it is being hurt b/c you've been betrayed and wronged. It's normal to be angry about that. The question is what are you going to do to get past it? What would make you feel better? Is it something he could do or something that has to come from inside you?
Always here to listen. Just some thought to ponder. Have a good night.
I really think it is something inside myself that I have to deal with. I try to think of ways he can make me feel better and there is nothing that I can comeup with. It is inside me and I have found out that the more questions I ask him the more difficult it is to deal with but the desire to know more and more is overwhelming at times. No good ever comes out of it. I think I can figure it out but there is no way to understand someone else's insanity. I think I am going crazy myself sometimes. Thanks Grace for helping me to think outside the box. Have a good night Grace. Love, Violets
This seems to be too big for me sometimes. I just wonder if after all the wanting and hoping that a mate comes to their senses the reality of it all is just too much to deal with realistically. Would it be better to dream of a new life and move in that direction instead of battling emotions all the time. I read the part of DR that recommended imagining a big stop sign and thinking of something else but who wants to live pushing back memories all the time ,wouldn't the energy be better spent creating a new life? Last night I went bike riding and a big dog ran out and bit my leg, just enough to leave teeth marks, while the owner was yelling( as he charged me) " Don't worry Buddy's friendly, he won't bite". Someone needs to have a talk with Buddy. Well anyway, that seems to be whats going on with me. I try to move on and I get bit in the leg! Blessings to everyone, Violets
I haven't read DR. But it would seem to me that the big stop sign is a coping techniques. Having said that, it seems to me we should always be creating a new life. Everything we have done in our lives is a part of the person we are.
Thanks IMP, I just get so frustrated sometimes. I think I'll have to take it out on Buddy next time I go for a ride. Either bite him back or take a couple of dog bisquits along to bribe him! Blessings, Violets
Sorry to hear about the dog bite, but I love the idea of biting him back. Actually, the dog biscuits are probably a better tack, but not nearly as funny.
The stop sign is just that, a coping technique. Sometimes if I can quiet my mind and stop it from racing (I know you are way too familiar with that one), I surprise myself with what I can come up with. I don't see it as pushing back the memories and feelings as much as giving yourself some breathing room. Room to think and find other ways of dealing with all of this.
I have another question for you regarding a new life: IF you decide to go in that direction how long do you think it will be before you are ready for a new R? Rule of thunb that I keep hearing (and I think sounds fairly realistic) is a month for every year of marriage. I don't know if ultimately a new R is what you're after, and if I am wrong here my most profound apologies. Would you want another R? What is it that would give your life meaning? How and where do you see yourself in a year, 2 years etc?
I know, I'm the why child. I think alot about such things and they help give me direction. It's still unbelievably hard though. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
Grace I hope you are doing ok and I appreciate the questions because it makes me think. I wanted to be a nun when I was 12, I don't think that is an option now.Lol! I can't see myself romantically involved with anyone except my husband and I do love him. My C. tried the first 2 sessions to help me set some goals, the big one being getting past the anger. I keep trying to read DR and I can see that realistic goals are important and the first step to getting over anger is to quit feeding it, and feeding it I have done. Everyday. It only keeps me upset, so I can understand how the stop sign thing could help. An old Cheech and Chong movie has Cheech in a tutu playing in a band, and one of the lines to his song says,"My Momma talkin' to me tryin' to tell me how to live, but I don't listen to her cause my head is like a sieve." I feel like that sometimes. My mind can't hold anything. I think I am ready to try and begin to heal and let go of the anger. It's not helping me. I have been going through this since last year, but I didn't know anything about DB and muddled my way through probably doing everything wrong and playing into the OW's game plan. I think I am going to try something different. When I learned how to bowl years ago I was terrible, and I asked a friend what I was doing wrong, she said " I don't know but do something different even if it's wrong". You are a sweetheart Grace and I appreciate you so much. I hope you are taking care of yourself. Love, Violets
I know exactly what you mean about your mind not holding anything. I've been that way since the bomb was dropped on me (six months ago). I really have to focus and even then...my head leaks. I think you're right, the anger isn't helping you. My H said something to me months ago about expecting me to "blow up". My only response was "how does that help me?" I know that's a whole lot easier said than done. I use physical activity to release mine. I'm glad you have a C that can help you with it. This is a great place to vent too.
I love what your friend said. That is so true. If what you're doing already isn't working, what have you got to loose? I think you're sitting in the catbird seat right now. You H wants to make it work. That's a great place to be b/c the ball is in your court. You get to choose whether you take it and go home or not.
I do take care of myself as best I can. My sitch is precarious to say the least. I come here, I have my D's and a couple of friends to bounce things off of. Besides, any day on this side of the dirt is a good one.
I saw my C. today and next week we will go as a couple to see her. She encouraged me to use the stop sign thing to avoid becoming overwhelmed with anger so I guess I am going to give it a try. So far I am trying to replace bad thoughts with good ones such as my hummingbirds outside the window, my new grandbaby etc. Sunday is my H. company pic-nic. I am wondering if I should go as I do not want to run into her there. My H. said it was up to me so I am still trying to decide. Love, Violets
