Today is Monday. I was able to go to sleep last night without thinking about the OM. Praise God! Maybe to some that is not that big of a deal to say that I got through one night....and I know that I've got tonight coming up...but..at least I did get through that first night and I know I can do it.
I am "journaling" here I guess. I can't remember if I mentioned before how that I had been on a lot of meds for about ten years and had gotten to the place that I felt dead on the inside. That is a terrible feeling. I say that to say this...it was an addiction to the "feeling" of being in-love and the feeling of being alive again that was so powerful. I know that now. In fact, I think in the back of my mind that I knew it then....I just did not want to admit it. But at the same time, it was not a healthy feeling. Because I was not free to be in a R with OP. So, it made me feel almost sick at times. I could not enjoy it, so why did I continue to turn back for more? That is the insanity of it. Like a drug that is bad and you keep going back for more.
For you who have been so good to help me these past many days....feels like years....I have another thing that I am a little concerned about and thought you may shed some light on this for me. I have experienced "burn-out" in some areas of my life. A couple of really big ones right before I got into the on-line stuff. Do you think that had anything to do with any of this? Maybe nobody could know for sure....just wondered. However, I am concerned about a couple of things that I used to enjoy doing that I can't seem to find the energy or interest any longer. I really hate that this has happened. I have read about burn-out before and how one needs to back away for awhile...be it a job, hobby, or whatever. I used one, which could be described as a hobyy mostly, to fill the void in my life. Now, I don't enjoy it anymore and I don't really have much to do to stay occupied. By that I mean, there is not a lot of "physical" things I can do. It's a long story. Another thing I always enjoyed was reading. I would study the Bible and prepare lessons.....I know....who would have guessed it, right? But, I did....just got a little lost out there for a while, but now I am finding my way back. However, I find it very difficult to focus and to hang with the book I start. Everything lately has been based on marriage helps, biblical, etc. I have not allowed myself to read romance novels because of the fantasizing I'm tempted to do. That sounds so very weak! But, I know that I was into reading romance stories every night when I started going on-line and found OM. Some people would not unstand that at all. My mother, who is also my best friend, cannot understand that. But, I know it is a "trigger" with me. It seduces my imagination. Then, I want more....and then I get into trouble.
Even my own D and H asked me if I expected life to be like the stories I was reading in those books. So, they must have noticed something. I don't expect life to be like that. I am too old and know better. However, my heart still dreams about it.
I am going to tell you all something I have never told another person. When I was going from that age of a child into becoming a teenager, and one day you want to play house and the next day you feel like you are too old to be playing? Well, we were very, very poor at that time in my life and I don't know that that had anything to do with it or if it was just a normal thing going from childhood into teen years, but every night when I went to bed....I would pretend. Nothing sexual....didn't even know about masterbating until I was grown (now that part is probably not normal, just the truth), but I just pretended whatever I made up in my mind. It was the same thing as "playing" only I thought I was too old to play, so I didn't want anyone to see me. After I went to bed, I could become a princess or whoever. It kind of compensated for the other part of my life being so hard at the time. The only problem was, I don't think I ever completely out grew it. What may have been "normal" and even non-sexual, turned into fantasies. Some may say, "well, everyone has them"......I guess you are right, but I just felt like I was adnormal and a grown woman should not be doing that. When I watched a tv program with a hansome hero then I would fantasize about him when I went to bed. After I was first married, I did not do that, but then I became unhappy and first thing.....I was doing it again. It started taking over my almost ever waking moment. Sounds so sick, doesn't it? But that is how I coped with unhappiness. I even tried one time to hint at it to my husband and I saw right quick he would think I was nuts, so I stopped from telling him all of it.
Over the years, the problem advanced. I know now that that hurt my MR more than an EA has. Perhaps you won't agree with that. It may not have hurt my H directly more than the EA....but indirectly it has, because it hurt me. It stunted my growth as a person and a W and as a mother. It took my time and energy and talents, and everything else that I should have been giving to my family and spending it on fantasies. Make-believe may be an escape route for some, but it has a way of sneaking up behind you and biting you in the rear.
Well, there you have it. I have never told that to another living soul. That is why it was an accomplishment to get through the first night without fantasizing about OM. You were right...all of you...the OM could not have possibly been what I had made him out to be in my "mind". He was perfect and he was truly my knight in shining armor. I wanted him to be so badly. I needed him to be that for me. But, I have a knight....right here at my house....I just need to see him as being that for me. He loves me so much and I pray I can give him some of the loves he deserves.
I was able to give a couple of hugs (and once even a little peck). I did sit in the front room with him for a while. I did complete the book on DR. I may not have been able to ring bells at the end of my "weekend goals", but I did accomplish them.
So, my goal this week is to get through every night....one night at a time...without dreaming of the OM. I will focus on my H and his good qualities...just like you said, Lin, because he has many. It is hard to see those good things when you are in the "fog".
Thank you all for listening. I have come to look at you as very precious new friends. I have never revealed myself to anyone like I can here. Maybe that is why it is so healing.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/23/0711:10 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
