yes it is similar. I felt my H had to step up to the plate. His LD is fine now, but when he says he made "no councious effort" to improve, it just happened I feel angry. Why? Because I think he has to get things right MY way. it's wrong. H got things right, he did it HIS way, the end result is the same.
I didn't get angry I went into a depression instead. it started last October and I'm to be 100% honest still working through it. I have good days and bad days .... on bad days I'm a terrible person and I beat myself up, on good days I can take on the world!!!
Will I get "there"? (for myself I mean) ... well, I'm starting to belive "there" is a moveable things... sometimes it's there, and that's great, other times it isn't and that's either lousy or it isn't.
The main difference these days is I have the tools to change. For example, last night was my works leaving do. I go horribly drunk, was hungry and shouted at H. I apologised in the morning, and I am forgiven. But I just phoned him now and said sorry again, thanked him for looking after me last night, told him he was wonderful and have offered to pick him up from work, drive him home, cook his favourite meal and do whatever he wants tonight (he's tired, prob stay in and watch a film). The differece? In the past I would have apologised and gone on and on feeling bad about myself, sat H down, had a big R talk, all doom and gloom. Now I will realise that NOT focussing on the bad is good. I've said sorry, H has accepted so now we have fun time together
Sorry - I've waffled on too much.... but SD this is part of the process to go through. It's good that you've stated what you want and have backed off, given H the room to do something. My advice to you in the coming weeks would be to look for the small signs, to appreciate the efforts H makes and to accept he may backslide a bit. Forgive him this.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks, Jen. I really, really get what you say about "there" being movable. I have to remind myself that when H is in a different space, it's not "all about me." And when I'm in a weird place, it doesn't mean I'm reverting to old SD or the R is doomed. It's crazy.
So, things are great. Speaking what I want in I-messages is a 180 for me, and just the speaking of it makes me feel better. H has stepped up big time. Things have been great fun on this end for the most part. I had a great weekend:
*Pool party w/friends on Friday (H went to a great concert, so excited to tell me about it) *Marched in a parade w/colleagues, went to a colleague/friend's house to make lunch, drink a few, and play games on Saturday *Loooong hike (7 miles!) w/H on Sunday at a place we've never been before, then my journaling class. Came home, H had picked up dinner for me, ML even though we were both sore as hell from hiking.
I feel like I'm finally letting last summer go. H says I'm less "pointy" than I have been for the past couple of weeks. I reminded him I told him I was working on letting all that cr@p go, that it was tough and brought up some icky things for me, but that I was sorry I'd let it spill out in any way on him.
I'm feeling freer, stronger. I recognized SO MANY times this weekend where I would have felt freaked out and afraid...and I just went with the flow instead. Hung out with new people, got to know people I've wanted to know better, cast off so much old baggage.
Life is good, and I'm strong enough to handle it.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You sound good SD. Soon this will become part of you - it will not take thought. Expect to backslide but when you do smile. It only means that you are human and that you are working at aligning your logic with your emotions.
Oh and I have one more thing to add - I find the following things, while a good part of DB'ing, are also required to keep the positive changes going:
1. GAL - I cannot make H responsible for my happiness. he doesn't make me happy or unhappy, these are feelings I choose for myself 2. Don't panic!!! The wisest words in the world. Sometimes I feel the sky is falling, only for a couple of days later it to appear normal again. Your 48-hour rule is a godsend in these circumstances 3. Sharing feelings ... and communicating clearly. it's a pure LUXURY now to have a H who really listens. I feel sometimes H doesn't get what I'm saying ... I used to give in, now I will keep on going, rephrasing until I can get my feelings understood by him (it helps that he is willing to listen)
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Ahhh....feeling SO SO good! I have working my BUTT off on this whole LW thing, and I think I'm finally getting somewhere.
Yesterday was LW's birthday. H came home with leftovers from lunch. When I asked him where they were from, he said he'd gone out to lunch with work people for a change. When I asked him who with (really, not an interrogation like it sounds here, just the kind of conversation we usually have), he hesitated and told me Julie & John (names changed).
Now, I'm guessing J & J WERE there, but I do not buy for one minute that it was only them. It doesn't make sense given everything I know. Anyway, I'm pretty sure everyone went out to celebrate the snatch's birthday and H is *sort of* lying to me.
Guess what? Don't care. Don't care what his reasons are (i.e., he might think it would upset me, or he might still want to get in her panties but I'm guessing not), don't care if that's true or not, just don't care.
This was a HUGE achievement for me, to truly not feel that icky thumpy thing in my chest when thinking about her and H. Now, that's not to say I EVER EVER EVER want to hang out with her again...I'm pretty sure that's off the table. Too much history, and I don't know if I'm big enough to treat her nicely.
So, still some work to do, but I'm getting better....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD - WOW that is amazing and impressive. I get the "J&J" and know that "PW" is among the guests all the time too, and I don't handle it NEARLY as well. That is amazing. So glad to hear that icky thumpy "want to throttle him or her" [ok I added that last part..] feeling goes away with enough work!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
The larger issue is that H spends all of his time and energy on people outside of our marriage so he can keep up the image of the good son, the good friend, the good worker...and there's nothing left for us. I mean nothing. I want more from a partner. Do I need it? No. I love myself, I'm happy by myself, but the person/people I choose to spend my life with will be someone who is an equal in the relationship. Someone I take from as I give to them. I get very little from H right now.
Sounds like my H. And my Love Language is Quality Time.My H has been trying lately thou.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
