Haven't put a second draft together for the last stand talk yet -- I need some more time to go through this thread and my last one to gather up everyone's input up to this point. Once I do that and compile some notes, I'll hammer out a new draft for DBer review. I have a DB coaching sesh on Wednesday afternoon, and I definitely want to have something to go over with her at that time (meaning I should have one put together real soon).
I'm getting ready to go have some coffee with a couple old colleagues, and then I'll be treating myself to dinner somewhere tonight before going to my Lindy Hop dance night. Chances are I might not be back on the boards until late tonight.
The following is from my post back on May 31st, and contains the mediation discussion and final outcome (though, again, papers have not been signed by me yet, so it is still possible to change things):
Originally posted May 31st:
"I just had my second mediation appointment today, and struggled a little bit on the staying happy and not being emotional (it's kind of hard though when you're forced to talk about the M or the loss of it, and are dividing up things). The big issue of course was my giving her the 40% of the net sale of our house once I sell it. As you know, this is what I offered her last week. However, when I reflected on it, I realized that I should've asked her what she thought was fair instead of making on offer (which I realized was me controlling the situation again).
So...today, I retracted the offer and asked her what she thought would be fair. She struggled with it a little, but felt that because her name was on the house, and she has paid all of the bills (for the most part) since we've been married and has worked the most of either of us but has nothing to show for it, that she should get half. She actually never said it, but she implied it and the mediator confirmed it. As I've said before, I always controlled my inheritance money, so we were never really equal in our 7 year marriage. She said during this discussion that all she ever wanted was for us to be equal, and I agreed that we weren't and it was my mistake for making this the case -- and that we should've been. I said that I felt guilty only offering 40% the first time, because it was like saying "you're only worth 40% of this marriage. I also said that I didn't want her to feel guilty in me giving her the money -- to feel like she owed me anything for doing so. I said that I just want the kids to be stable at both places (you know, good homes and lifestyles), and for her to not have to struggle if I don't. It just wouldn't seem right if that were the case. She then said that she wouldn't feel guilty if she used the money to buy a home, and promised she would. I said I believed her, and when the mediator asked if I wanted to put in the paperwork a stipulation that required her to use the money to buy a home, I said no -- I don't want to control any of her decisions anymore, and that her word was good enough for me. When then ended the mediation, we had a brief discussion outside about our son's B-day party arrangements and some other business, then parted ways.
So, question: Do you think I made a foolish choice in this offer, or do you think it was the right and/or noble thing to do? I don't expect it to bring her back (that would be foolish and selfish), but I do hope that she sees that it isn't about the money (or the control of it) for me anymore, and know that I do care about her and her future more than I do the money. This is a big 180 for me, and I think I can have more peace of mind from doing it. There is a part of me that feels like I shouldn't have to do it -- she is the one that left and didn't want to do counseling or try to work it out really, so why should she get anything? I don't know -- she has worked very hard for many years and has endured way too much emotional and psychological abuse from me during our M. I don't think money makes up for this -- nor should it -- but I think it gives her something to respect me for since I've lost it in almost all other areas."
Okay, just so everyone knows how much 50% is, it equates to about $250,000 to $300,000, and will be cash since the house is paid for in full.
Please give me honest opinions and what you think is fair, right, etc, and some reasoning too if you could. I need as many outside perspectives as I can get. I'm struggling with this decision so much.
