my crazy mess

[christarn]

Thanks Trip....hopefully he will keep noticing....

[Gone Dancin']

I agree with Trip -- sounds like you're doing exactly the right things. He's curious... this is good!

GD

[christarn]

Thanks GD....I am hopeful he keeps noticing...and I keep his interest sparked

[christarn]

ok...talked with the H today...the only answers he will give are I don't know. He told me still has feelings but will never trust me again...which I validated, told him it would be hard after I left to regain trust. I asked him if there was something that I could do to help him regain my trust...he answered Idon't know. We talked for about an hour, just issues within the marriage, finances etc..."why do I care about his finances now"..he's in a financial burden now..(thinking about selling the house we lived in) He also told me he is overly stressed. Things were going good, then all of sudden I show back up in his life, and he has all of these decisions to make..it just overly stresses him. He also lost his job on friday which is not helping matters. He did say he doesn't know if he wants the D, still has feelings...but how is he to believe everything is just going to be hunky dorry! I just tried so hard to validate everything he was saying and be reassuring. He tried to pick several fights, I remaind calm and reassuring. He ended the call saying he would call me sometime. It is just getting frustrating living in limbo, not knowing....help please hugs to you guys

[Gone Dancin']

((((christarn))))

He's really thinking about it, trust me -- but he's trying to be very cautious and wants to really be 110% sure that you're invested in being there for the long haul. When an LBS is actually left but then the WAS comes back, the thought and concern that the WAS could WA again is overwhelming. The trust will take some time to patch back together. It will likely take the two of you spending a lot of time together again (and a lot of affirmation from you with both actions and words!) before he will actually feel that it will be okay. Stay focused and wait for him to call you this time (at least for a little while -- let him make the next move). Having an hour long convo on the M causes me to believe it is an important consideration for him...

GD

[waw1978]

Just reading up on your post. Wow. Lots of heavy stuff going on for you. I would try to be as supportive as you can of your H right now. Sounds like he is in a very bad place with losing his job and in a bad place financially otherwise. Try to keep supporting him during this rough time. You want him to see you as a friend and ally. Show him that you are trust worthy and that you are not going to disappear again. Hopefully this will help him trust you again.

[christarn]

Thanks guys...you're the best...we just talked about a lot of stuff...he lashed out a LOT!! and said the only thing holding him back was me leaving again...which I know must be overwhelming. I told him I would give him some $ to help him make it thru...but he said he didn't want to owe me anything. I think to it must be hard on his pride to have to ask me for it...I just kept my calm and cool...and tried to reassure and validate the things that he said....i just hate to hear him say " I don't know what I want"....any way...you're all the best! You're keeping me positve and motivated during this Sh*tty time...thanks big hugs!!

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hang in there. He felt betrayed by you leaving. That's a big issue to deal with. Plus the job issue and the stress that comes with it. It's going to take some time before you earn his trust again. The lashing out will come and go. It happened to me too with the WAS. Every time we get to any R talks. She elaborated on all the things that made her leave or pushed her over the edge. It's not a pretty picture but just listen and validate.

Try to do something together to at least get his mind off of the sitch. Perhaps if he finds that he enjoys doing any activity with you it will build on the trust factor as well as the R.

[christarn]

I asked him about doing dinner sometime...flat out no....which I don't get, because we had been doing things together at least once or twice a month...it's been two weeks since the last time we did go out...just not getting the all of sudden pulling away. I think he's putting his focus more on his other issues now instead of the R/M...guess I will work on my patience and just hang tight....thanks guys!!

[christarn]

Just a little update...last night the H text me...I avoided responding...just trying to not be so available....withing 45 minutes he called...so I thought what does he want...it was 10:30 pm, and I had to work at 6:30 in the morning...but I went ahead and answered. He took a job out of town, and was calling to talk about how lonely life was on the road, he had also had a dream the previous night that I had died...so I don't know if he had been thinkin or what. So we just talked about everyday life...no mention of the R or the M....just stuff. He also asked if he could have our dog Cade for a couple of days...which really kind of shocked me. It is the first time since all of this that he has asked to see him. (even though he wants soul custody of the dog if we do go thru with the D!) I said sure, so we are suppose to arrange something so he can have Cade for a couple of days this week. I was also happy because he said he would watch all 3 of our dogs while I go to Ireland with my family in September...or at least Cade...the other two dogs are outside dogs, so he doesn't want something to happen to one of them, and me come back from being over seas, and be storming mad! Anyway...the talk was good, and when it was time to go, I just told him it was great to talk to him...and he even said, Christa, it was really great to talk to you too! WOW!! but then again, he is on the road, and life is different out there...when he comes back home, it will probably be back to the same old crap any ways...back to work I go...yippee!! hope all is well with you guys!!