New issue part 2

[LisaLost]

Thanks everyone for reading.

I will try to condense this. Sorry it is so long- I am just wanting to get this out there and get some advice.

We went to the room, then took the kids to the pool, we talked while they played. He confessed to having sex with this girl just 3-4 times. I was upset but held it together. He said he was so sorry and he would take me home if I wanted him too. He said he has spoken with the therapist about this and she was giving him a referral to someone else. I didn't know why he needed a referral but found out later. I told him we would go on with the w/e as planned and deal with this when we got back. He cried then and later that night I woke up and he was crying in the bathroom. I didn't go to him I thought he would get embarrased.

we got home last night and I sent the kids in the house. I aske dhim to call this girl and tell her that it was over between them. He refused saying that I was going to leave him anyway so what did it matter. I asked him again- he still refused so I asked him to leave and he did. I wanted to call her but did not. I did send her a myspace message telling her that he told me about them. She did not respond. Later that evening my H called back and told me he needed to talk to me face to face. I called my neighbor to babysit and went to meet him at a park. H had been crying and was really upset. He started saying he needed help and was trying to get it but he still couldn't stop himself. I asked him what he was talking about and he told me that he had called the ow after he left my house and told her that he told me they had sex 3-4 times and to tell me that if I called, she said she would then he told her he loved her and hung up. He said that it was driving him crazy so he called her again and broke it off. I asked him what WAS the truth and he confessed to everything- saying he was staying with her most of the weeks- that he had told her he loved her but that was just what she wanted to hear so he could get laid. He said that it was just sex and he didn't care for her at all. That once again it was fun and exciting to him. He felt like he was desired and she fawned all over him. He just kept saying that it was all about sex so I just asked him why risk our family for sex? and why wasn't I good enough for him in that way? He broke down and this is where it is really hard for me to put this out there but hopefully I am safe here, here goes- He said that she would do anything for him and to him- I asked for details and he gave them to me. Now I am not blinded to the fact that my H likes all kinds of sex but I thought that he was pretty happy with what was between us- he did say that he could talk to her in a way and do things that he couldn't with me b/c I was his wife and the mother of his kids. He said he did not repsect her at all and basically used her for what she was willing to put out. He said that he was getting into porn magazines and etc.. I really hope this doesn't offend anyone but I need help. I guess she would let him do pretty much anything. He said he thinks he has a problem and the therapist he has been seeing talked to him about sexual addiction. He said that sounded like him and that they were sending him to a therapist that treats that kind of thing. He is crying and upset this whole time. He said he is ashamed and embarassed. That he has done this again and both women were overweight and not attractive. He kept saying how sorry he was- He said she was pissed off that he had basically used her and he said she was begging him to give her a chance. he said that he used his cold and callous side to deal with her. I didn't say much and soon left. He called me this morning and told me she had clled and begged him again and he told he it was over that he was going to do whatever he could to save his family and marriage. He told me to please not write him off. That he wanted to fix himself for the kids and for us and for him.

I am so unsure of what to do. Do I stick with him through this? Do I go ahead with the D while he is dealing with this and stick by him as a friend? Do I just leave and have nothing more to do with him? My heart tells me to stick it out but am I being an idiot if I do? Is this something he can heal from? I really haven't done any research- I don't know where to start. I don't want to be given misleading info on some bad website.

Does anyone have any advice? If you have any questions please ask. I really do appreciate all who have read this very long two post sitch.

Any suggestions?

Love,Lisa

[butterflymom]

Lisa,
Not sure what to say other than at least your H is going to counseling and getting help. I have often thought that my H might have a sexual addiction as well. I think he has an addictive personality with sex being one of the things. My H too loves porn and I've watched it with him as a way to "spice" up our sex life. I would be anxcious to what others have to say since I think my H could easily fit into this same category.

BFM

[Cinderellaman]

wow sweety, I have NO advice, but wish you so much strength and love to get through this, you have a lot to deal with now...

May God be with you sweety !!!! Take care xxxx

[LisaLost]

BFM,

Thanks for your input here, I don't feel so alone in this now- Not that I am happy you are dealing with similar issues. I too have watched those movies with my H and we have purchase things from a novelty store to "spice up "things in the bedroom. I am far from being conservative in bed. He has usually shared fantasies and such with me so I pretty surprised that he has looked elsewhere and actually hurt that he felt he couldn't share with me

Lisa

[Cinderellaman]

Lisa, I think your H may have treated OW like an OBJECT and he can't and won't do that with you because he loves you and you are the mother of his children. Be glad for that - you do not want him to treat you as an OBJECT...he has NO RESPECT for ow.....whatsoever, he uses her sexually ....and she lets him.

Please do not EVER let yourself be treated that way !

[butterflymom]

BFM,

Thanks for your input here, I don't feel so alone in this now- Not that I am happy you are dealing with similar issues. I too have watched those movies with my H and we have purchase things from a novelty store to "spice up "things in the bedroom. I am far from being conservative in bed. He has usually shared fantasies and such with me so I pretty surprised that he has looked elsewhere and actually hurt that he felt he couldn't share with me

Lisa

Sounds a LOT like H and I. We've done the exact same things I've never really put much thought into the whole sexual addiction thing until recently. He will never admit. Never get any help unless he hits rock bottom for some reason. He thinks he just has a high sex drive. He's like the freaking energizer bunny if you ask me. 4-5 times a day is not enough for him. It gets crazy sometimes.

BFM

or I guess I should say it GOT crazy sometimes. None of that going on right now.

[LisaLost]

Cinders,

That is basically what he has said to me about both ow. He said he didn't really see it as a problem till ow #2. I don't let him treat me that way anymore. He has called me names before and we have had some issues with that outside of the bedroom I put my foot down and he doesn't do that anymore.

I did tell him that is was wrong of him to treat her that way and that she is a person too with feelings and he just said she knew what she was getting into and had messed with married men before. Will these OP ever learn?


Lisa

[LisaLost]

Thanks again BFM- I will be sure to post any info that I learn from his therapist or any helpful links I find. I know what you mean about the Energizer bunny! I don't really mind but well when he takes his show on the road to the ow I have a problem with it.

Lisa

[MnSPD]

LL,

I really think the addiction scenario fits here. If you think about it outside of B's issues, his behavior fits an addiction to a "T". Similar to alcoholics, he denied at first, he then recognized the problem and is struggling with his resolve to conquer it. This will be one of the hardest challenges he will face. As you have discovered he is oscillating back and forth, between what he knows is right and what he craves. As he told you, he craves the excitement, the thrill, the euphoria of the moment, then crashes and feels terrible for his actions. The cycle is then ripe to repeat. He feels terrible, but realizes he can feel euphoric for a brief time with the OW. "A" happens, "B" happens, "C" happens a cycle of behavior spiraling out of control.

My best advice is, be supportive. Because he recognizes the issue, he has taken a huge step in the right direction. Empathize with his internal conflict. Be his best friend, not his wife, his best friend, the one he can turn to in a crisis and depend on. Even if he stumbles, which is likely, keep YOUR resolve and support him if he is moving in a positive direction. Communicate clearly if he disappoints himself and you, but be sure to empathize with his struggle. In a nutshell, let him know you are there for him, but also, let him know your limits.

I believe this goes all the way back to his Mom turning her back to him. He is seeking acceptance from females through relationships. They start as EA's and quickly turn to PA's as he seeks a higher level of acceptance from the OW.

He's in a tough place, let's see if he can put forth the effort and get to the reward..... you and the kids.

As always, P, P, P

Steve

I also want to tell you how proud I am of how you are handling this, not too long ago your post would have been much more negative and condeming of your R with B. You've come a very long way Lisa, be extremely proud of what you have accomplished for yourself!!!

[brandnewday]

((((((((Lisa)))))))))
I have no advice at this time as this is so far out of my league.
But I will ask you one thing.
What is it that you want to do?
What does your gut tell you?