Per your request I am her to update you in short version lol of my life. I am freakin crazy!
Lol. No not really its everyone else around me that is.
Lets see when I left the board I believe was around the time I had moved out came back to stay after my H had surgery. Then left again a week or so later after he broke my thumb in two places and knocked me around a bit. He went into the hospital was found to be bi-polor. Put in theropy and on meds.
Well the downlow on him. He did not follow through with the therapy nor taking his meds. For six months laid out on disability. Went back to work for like 3 weeks then went back out of work for 3 months on disablitly (he was bilking it bad} Took to running the bars and drinking all the time leaving the kids home until 4-5 in the morning every weekend by them self. Always out looking for someone to be with. Was 5 months behind in the house payments and every utility was about to be shut off. And was on the verge of losing his job
I on the other hand lived with my daughter for about 4 months. Was very off balance with not having my boys in my life everyday at first. But it was summer so I did have two of them with me alot since it was summer.Which was nice they played tennis and we hung out at the pool alot when they were there. I eventually got use to the situation as it was.I found a job half way between where they lived and I was staying.It was nothing major just seasonal help at Christmas. 9months later I am still there lol. After a few months I started relaxing and enjoying the peace and the calm of my new life. No having to deal with fighting ugliness or basically the stress I had been under for so long.
I slowly became comfortable enough that I could even stop taking a large amounts of the meds I had taken for years to just get through life. The panic attack meds the tranquillizers the sleeping pills and even my antidepressants were cut back to the minimum dosage. I was turning back into the real Chrissy. Hell even my sex drive came back full force. So yes there were a few bootie calls to the H when doing it for myself became a bit mundane.
The H and I went and spoke to a lawyer about a divorce the cost and the legal seperation period mandated by our state. The house was put up for sale.
Rich and I had slowly evolved into a decent parenting partnership with the kids. I came and stayed with them when he worked nights durring the short time he went back to work.Or when he would tell me he was going out (which was not often to my knowledge then). And the kids would call me when they could not deal with him and I would come. And basically I would drop by to just clean the place up and chat with my kids every couple days regaurdless.
A girl that I had become friends with and I got a apartment togehter. I was now 5 minutes from work and 20 from my kids verses the hour from work and more then hour from my kids. I actually was fairly content with my life as it was at that time. Minus all of a sudden I really was missing my kids alot more and showing up at the house alot more. In retrospect I can see it was because when I was living with my daughter even on the days I did not see the boys I was still with one of my kids still in mommy mode.
Rich and I started talking more and sorta started dating.We would go out to lunch once a week. Went out to dinner once or twice. We were becoming friends. And I was making it apparent I did not have to take any more of his mean ass [censored].If he started I left. I did not have to put up with it. And after a few times of me walking out on him saying whatever I am going home. He knew he had lost his power over me. Things were getting better for me.I even started staying at the house every other weekend with the kids since I did not have a place big enough for them all. We were all adjusting fine to our new life.
Now this is were my perfect story takes a twist. We had been having problems with S14 his behavior blah blah which was nothing new. But around March is when I found out about the H going out drinking all the time leaving the kids alone all the time. Via S14. Also with the increased amount of time I was with my kids I discovered how unadjusted they were to our situation how unhappy they were and how little respect even S16 now had for there dad. Due to his drinking not working and so forth. So the control freak I am (yes Blackfoot you were right about that) I started stepping in. Which is when I discovered that my house was about to be forclosed on Rich was about to loose his job and the electic and water was only days from being shut off.
This is were control freak. I want my own life. And responsibile Chrissy all clashed. Responsible Chrissy won out. I am now back home with my kids and H. Been here for nearly two months now.I did all the work to save my H's job. Instead of being 5 months behind in the mortgage we are now 6 weeks and the other bills are caught up. The house is still up for sale but not being shown while I finish the repairs that needed done for 2 years plus. S14 is being put in a wilderness camp to get the therapy he desperately needs. Even though it is breaking my heart I am making it happen. Its what is best for him.
I am stronger then I was a year ago. I am still not taking any of the H's [censored]. I am making him be responsible to come up with the money to catch up the mortgage. Though I am the one dealing with the hows and the doing of it again. Our relationship in 8 weeks is the same that it was for so many years non existent. And my sex drive is completely gone again.
So you can say I had a year of ups and downs lol. Good and bad.
And guys 'It is what it is'. I made the choice to come back to do what I felt was right for everyone else. So what I gave up to do so was based on free will and choice not the threats that kept me here for so long. So I have excepted that my h is who he is he is not changing. Our marriage is what it is. And what I have is not really what I want but. I have excepted the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness and my choices were to be where I am. And I am gonna be as happy with it is possible
Now this is were my perfect story takes a twist. We had been having problems with S14 his behavior blah blah which was nothing new. But around March is when I found out about the H going out drinking all the time leaving the kids alone all the time. Via S14. Also with the increased amount of time I was with my kids I discovered how unadjusted they were to our situation how unhappy they were and how little respect even S16 now had for there dad. Due to his drinking not working and so forth. So the control freak I am (yes Blackfoot you were right about that) I started stepping in. Which is when I discovered that my house was about to be forclosed on Rich was about to loose his job and the electic and water was only days from being shut off.
This is were control freak. I want my own life. And responsibile Chrissy all clashed. Responsible Chrissy won out. I am now back home with my kids and H. Been here for nearly two months now.I did all the work to save my H's job.
How did you do that? Pushing him to go to work somehow? Talking to his boss?
Originally Posted By: Chrissy
Instead of being 5 months behind in the mortgage we are now 6 weeks and the other bills are caught up. The house is still up for sale but not being shown while I finish the repairs that needed done for 2 years plus. S14 is being put in a wilderness camp to get the therapy he desperately needs. Even though it is breaking my heart I am making it happen. Its what is best for him.
I am stronger then I was a year ago. I am still not taking any of the H's [censored]. I am making him be responsible to come up with the money to catch up the mortgage. Though I am the one dealing with the hows and the doing of it again.
How are you making him "be responsible to come up with the money to catch up the mortgage"? Threats? Encouragement of some kind? Quid pro quo?
And more to the point, how long can you keep it up? How old is your youngest? If your H is going along with the program grudgingly, I'd expect him to fall off the wagon sooner rather than later... and to hide it from you until the electricity or the water is shut off.
Originally Posted By: Chrissy
And guys 'It is what it is'. I made the choice to come back to do what I felt was right for everyone else. So what I gave up to do so was based on free will and choice not the threats that kept me here for so long. So I have excepted that my h is who he is he is not changing. Our marriage is what it is. And what I have is not really what I want but. I have excepted the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness or unhappiness and my choices were to be where I am. And I am gonna be as happy with it is possible
Good. Find happiness where you can. Don't expect to get through this on sheer determination... make sure you have a life outside of this home that brings you joy and strength.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Chrissy, It's good to hear from you! Sounds like you've been through quite a bit lately, good/bad...but that you have also done some growth through it all. I realize the situatoin you are in may not be the "ideal" one, but you had your reasons for going back. Just glad to hear from you.
Nope my youngest is S12. I am really not stressing about so far away issues. I am going against my own grain of planning life out right now. Just living it as it comes. I am very laid back these days I refuse to sit and think things out in every imagainable direction which has always been one of my downfalls. To over think and analize everything. I still have my moments but I am working on it. I have discovered that accepting that life people and fate is illogical seems to be the greatest logic of all in life. I am trying to see that there can be different forms of happiness comming from balance and exceptence. I will talk in not so generalized and more detailed terms later just wanted to give you a quick update. Gotta get ready for work now have a great day!
How did I do that. I shamed him into going back to work. Then when he went back and all of a sudden the disability company decided to retract his claim. I did all the paperwork fighting with doctors and the disability company to get his job reinstated while he was off on unpaid leave pending discharge.
Making him be responsibile is maybe the wrong wording. I am not taking on the responsibility of financially doing it. He is working his full time and a part time job at the moment. I get all his regualar job pay to catch up the bills he gets his part time job pay money. After I deflated my savings of the last year to pay some of his bills I made it very clear not one more penny of my money would go to paying his debt. I had paid child support and been responsible I was not paying for his not being over the course of the year. So he is maning up to it and doing what needs to be done. So far.
I hate to say that part of it has been through shaming him. He has made it seemed like I came back because I could not make it. Yeah the fact that I was fine and he was not was a hard pill for him to swallow. What made it harder was I did not take the fall for him I called him out on the how I crawled back thing and he had to man up and own up to the fact he was the one who could not make it not me.
Part of my H's biggest problems is he cannot take responsibility for his actions. Everything he does is someone elses fault. Someone else is to blame he is the hero cast as the villian blah blah. Not this go round not at my cost.
I hate to say that part of it has been through shaming him. He has made it seemed like I came back because I could not make it. Yeah the fact that I was fine and he was not was a hard pill for him to swallow. What made it harder was I did not take the fall for him I called him out on the how I crawled back thing and he had to man up and own up to the fact he was the one who could not make it not me.
The fact that you were able to get through to him in this way may be a good sign. If he was willing to take a good hard look at himself and didn't like what he saw, then he may have the internal motivation to turn things around. Nothing's guaranteed, of course, but there's some reason for hope. Just make sure you've got some way to keep your sanity and your life together if he disappoints you again. And then go with the flow and find happiness.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Nope he is not on his meds. Though of late he did start taking his zoloft again due to the fact I mentioned he has no staminia these days and 5 minute sex(if that) is a waste of my time.The zoloft makes it harder for him to orgasm. Either way it works in my favor for him to be on it. And in everyone elses including his self. His reason to take it may not be the best but oh well.
Lfl, Thank you for the good wishes. I see you dont have a thread these days.
Karen, Congrats on the baby. Did not know I was gone long enough for you to get pregnant and give birth to a little one. But I know that you had been trying.
Lil, Thank you for inquiring about my situation. And again I will go in more detail later.
