Thanks Nomo, still, Dave, waw, H, Kat, christarn -- I really appreciate the support.
I'm still in the funk and just struggling as D day nears. Yesterday put the reality of the sitch back on the table for me, and reminded me of what I'm really up against.
W called yesterday around noon and left a message, but I didn't get it until almost 2:00. In it she asked when I wanted her to pick up the kids (or when she could pick up the kids), and said to call her back and let her know. Usually she works on Sunday, so I was assuming it would be after work. I called her back at that point, got her vm, and told her that I thought she was working, but if not then she can pick them up when they're done napping, and to call me back and let me know what's going on.
She called back about a half an hour later and said she wasn't working and could get the kids anytime. Then, she asked if I would be able to drop them off vs her come get them. I've never once been asked to drop them off at her place (I think she didn't want me to know where she lived) in the 8 months we've been separated. I knew from the kids that she is now living with OM, and was curious as to where the drop would be. Keep in mind I had a decent tone and attitude, but it wasn't real upbeat.
Me: Okay, that's fine. W: If you don't want to I can come pick them up. Me: No, it's okay. I just talked to K & T (my friend and his fiance -- W's friend) and we were going to see a movie after you got the kids, so I've gotta come that way anyway. W: Oh. Me: So where do you want me to drop them off? W: Well, I moved. (pause) Don't know if you knew that or not. Me: (Unphased) Yeah, the kids kind of told me. W: Yeah, I figured they did. Me: So where am I bringing them? W: (W proceeds to tell me the street and house #). It's not too far away from my old apt (I new her old complex, but not her building or #). Me: Okay, I've seen that street before -- it won't be a problem to find the place. W: Okay. Me: So I'll wait until they're done napping, then get them ready and head out. It'll probably be around 4:00 or so. Is that okay? W: Yeah, that's fine. Me: Okay, I'll call you before we leave. W: Okay. Me: Bye W: Bye
There was some other talk early on about what days she could have them this week and some more talk about the first two weekends in Aug I need free to go to Seattle and Orlando. She got a little snappy at one point, but I just played cool and let it roll of my back and the convo got right back on track.
So the kids wake up a little later and we play for a bit, then I get cleaned up and nicely dressed for going out with the friends (and of course for W to see) after dropping off the kids. The kids want to wear some dress up costumes to W's house, so I let them (this is a 180 because before I would've made them put on some nice clothes before going ANYWHERE). W has lots of extra clothes right now so that wasn't a problem.
On the way to the house S5 says, "Daddy, if Mommy and [OM] get married, then [OM's son] and I will be brothers." That obviously hurt to hear, think about, etc, and I just couldn't resist so I said, "Yup. Who told you that?" Hoping and praying that he's not going to say Mommy or OM, he says, "[OM's son] did." WHEW! Dodged that bullet! Still, pretty interesting thing to hear, even if it did come from a 7 yr old. I'm wondering where he heard it or why he thought about it...
We pull up to the house, and my son says, "That's not it, Daddy!" I'm confused because it is the number W told me (twice), but I'm also skeptical because it is a duplex (and a pretty small one) and not a house. I wait for about 15 seconds to see if W steps out, but she doesn't so I get out and go to the door and knock. W opens it and I said in an upbeat tone, "Oh, okay! Wasn't sure if this was the right place. S5 kept telling me it wasn't because it doesn't have 2 doors (i.e. duplex)." W says, "Oh, that's because we always come in through the back (there's an alley where they park apparently)." So I get D3 out while W gets S5 out. I then walk back around the truck and W says, "That's it? No bags?" I say, "No, there's stuff. It's just in the front seat here," as I open the door and grab everything. I tell her what is in the bags and whatnot, and I ask her about the week's schedule again. We discuss it briefly, then I ask the kids for hugs and kisses. I joke with them for a second and then tell them to be good for Momma. W and I then say goodbye, I walk back to my truck and leave.
From the moment she came to the door after I first knocked to the moment she went back in side, W barely looked me in the eye. This was particularly noticeable when we were talking about the week's schedule. Both when she listened and talked, W kept her eyes down and averted the entire time. It was very odd. She has struggled to look me in the eye throughout the separation, but I think this was the worst I've experienced. I'm sure it is the fact that she's feeling guilty, but I'm not sure where the guilt is stemming from at this point. Is she still guilty that she left me and has broken up the family? Is it because it's now out in the open that she's moved in with OM? Does it have to do with the settlement piece (the fact that she's getting so much $ to buy a new house for herself originally, but that it now might include OM and his kids too)? Heck, maybe it's all of it. I don't know, I'm just trying to figure out why she has so much guilt still if this is something she wants and is choosing to do? What does the guilt say about where her heart is? If I'm not doing/saying things to make her feel guilty, then why does she feel that way?
I just wish I knew her heart and what she is really feeling! I guess I might find out the answer to at least some of this during the "last stand talk" this coming Sunday, but even then I'm not sure if it will be much. I'd like to know how invested she really is in this new R with OM. Part of me says she moved in with him because life is really difficult right now financially for her to be on her own. This could just be something that is transitional until the D is final and the house is sold so she can get her own place. I really want to know the answer to this (and think I need to know) so I can decide on whether or not to give her the 50/50 split on the house. If she tells me that her and OM are going to live together after she gets the new place, I might tell her that that wasn't part of the previous discussion in mediation, and that I don't feel obligated to give her so much $ and have it go to supporting people that I didn't intend it to. I feel like telling her that giving her the money to buy a place of her own for her and the kids is one thing, but giving her the money to buy a place for her, our kids, AND OM and his kids is quite another. I know her argument would likely be, "So you don't think I'm entitled to that money if I'm with someone else? What's the difference if I'm with someone now or later down the road?" I think there's some validity in that line of thinking, which is what causes me to struggle with the idea of NOT giving her the money. I just wish I knew if she truly sees herself being with OM for the long haul. I'm just so confused on what to do right now.
Anyway, just to round off the journaling for yesterday, I then went from W's place to our mutual friends' house. We hung out and BS'd for a while, waiting until it was time to go to the movie (which was Transformers btw, and was totally AWESOME!). Again, I've maintained a position of being upbeat around W's friend and not mentioning W at all. However, at one point, friend's fiance and I were alone in the living room and she asked, "So, W asked you to drop the kids off at her place? That's kind of...(trailing off, but hinting that she felt this was in poor taste)." I just jumped in like it was no big deal and said, "Yeah, it wasn't a problem. I figured I was coming down this way anyway." She then added, "Oh, I guess she always comes out to your place too (implying that it is probably only fair that I do the driving and dropping off once in a while)." That was as far as that convo went, but it seemed like she was wanting to get a read on my feelings about this. I just played it cool and acted like I'm perfectly comfortable with the situation as it stands -- trying not to tip my hand whatsoever that I'm dwelling on it even a little bit. We then went to the movie and parted separate ways.
Okay, I'm gonna stop there and collect some more thoughts, and maybe post a recap of where the mediation agreement stands and how it got there (for those who either aren't familiar with my whole sitch or who have maybe forgotten).
