WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[Heimlich]

WAW,
Apologies if this is too basic of a question or if I missed this somewhere in your thread, but beyond the controlling behavior, have you told your H why you feel the way you do?

I ask because my W was saying a lot of the same things as you (thankfully, I've never been the controlling type, so that's not an issue), but I had no clue as to how my actions contributed to how she felt. All I heard was, "I feel X, Y, Z, A, B, etc." and to me, it did come out of left field because she had never said, "When you do X, it makes me feel like ______" Thankfully, I have managed to rectify my cranial-rectal inversion and realized all of those things, but it would have been nice if my W had made the connection for me explicitely rather than by dropping hints over the years.

If you have tried to draw those connections between his actions and your feelings, maybe he just doesn't/won't get it, but he does sound like he's trying. Unfortunately, he's flailing about as ineffectively as most of us were before we found DBing and this site.

BD

[waw1978]

Controlling behavior is just one of our problems. He is full aware that is pissed me off and made me feel like a child that needed permission to do anything.

Then there is the lack of physical relationship because he wasn't interested in me physically and the comments about how I wasn't as good looking/thin as when we met. Etc.

I don't know how to make it any clearer for him. He has treated me like a possesion, one that he didn't want to play with to boot, for years. Now I am so angry and hurt that there is almost nothing he can say to make me feel differently. Acknowledging that my feelings are valid would be a huge start. I need to see changes, real ones, not just the reactionary stuff that most LBS try in the beginning when they are in panic mode.

[waw1978]

Controlling behavior is just one of our problems. He is full aware that is pissed me off and made me feel like a child that needed permission to do anything.

Then there is the lack of physical relationship because he wasn't interested in me physically and the comments about how I wasn't as good looking/thin as when we met. Etc.

I don't know how to make it any clearer for him. He has treated me like a possesion, one that he didn't want to play with to boot, for years. Now I am so angry and hurt that there is almost nothing he can say to make me feel differently. Acknowledging that my feelings are valid would be a huge start. I need to see changes, real ones, not just the reactionary stuff that most LBS try in the beginning when they are in panic mode.

[Not Much Left]

Gotcha
This stuff is sort of catch 22. You actually do hold the cards believe it or not in more than one way.

1. The basic - females hold the cards period, end of story
2. You control you, he does not.

I actually am of course, accused of doing the same thing. I take full responsibility for allowing our R to unfold the way it has and my W feeling controlled by me. I am a pusher, doer and it just comes out that way. No bad intent, but I realize my actions are perceived as controlling so I need to change them, full stop on that one. It does not matter what his intentions are, good or bad, you perceive them as controlling so he needs to change them. I completely agree.

I guess if you have voiced this stuff and he is not listening, then it is his problem to deal with right now.

Just asking, have you REALLY voiced it in a way he understands, blunt trauma to the head style (not really, metaphorically?).

CVA

[Heimlich]

He does not take my feelings seriously and disregards them. Because he does not see a problem, hence there is no problem. These things are "all in my head".

I didn't see this post before my last reply. Wow. I now see why you say that you doubt if the light switch will ever go on for your H. My Mom is in the process of beginning to divorce my 2nd step dad (can you say bad taste in men). While I believe he truly does love my mom, he doesn't know how to really do that. Everything revolves around him and his needs. A lot of us left behind husbands are really pulling for you because it's almost like a vicarious win for us (if that makes any sense) and because you've given us tremendous insight into what our Ss are thinking. That said, maybe a S is the whack to the head your H needs to change and turn that switch. It's not fair to you or your D to live in an environment where he has final 'say' over what you do without any input from you. I've seen first-hand what this is like with my step-dad (both, now that I think about it) and you deserve better. Some men never will get it, unfortunately.

BD

[Atlas]

waw1978,

I think a lot of us men here are like your H. I know I'm guilty as well, I have taken so much advantage, not put her first, meet her needs, and now I'm hoping that when she turned the switch she hasn't left for good.

But from reading your posts, you don't need to put up with this. Maybe it is time to try to communicate your message in another way. I know these aren't DB'ing techniques, but maybe he has a close male friend that sees things your way, especially someone he looks up to, that maybe could shake his foundation a little. Just seems like blind arrogance on his part.

All I can think of is find a diffrent medium to speak through, phone, email, friend, the dog. Something. Maybe involving people isn't so great, but I'm lost on how to resolve this.

I hope things start going better for you, keep the PMA up and it will.

[christarn]

WAW1978...I did leave my H, we are talking now, but I got a couple of questions for you if ya don't mind....my H is starting to pull away...we were doing dinner here and there...now he says "no"...when I asked are you thinking you want the D...he says I don't know, I did ask do you have feelings for me and he says yes...hey hey a + for me....his big thing since I walked out is trust...any good key elements I can work on to help regain that??? I would like to try MC...the first time I brought it up he said no, thinking next time we have a good talk I will try again....good luck in your sitch...I know how hard it is....stay strong and positive Christa

[Gone Dancin']

Hey waw,

So I guess I see no point in discussing since he refuses to validate my feelings/complaints. Maybe if there was some validation on his part I would want to discuss but since there isn't, these confrontations are just digression.

Have you actually told H about this? I know that it would be so much better if H would realize on his own that validation and empathy are exactly what you need right now (aside from the time and space), but he is a man -- we suck at reading emotional needs!!! We also suck at reading minds , and I'm sure H is no exception here. You might have explained this to him, but maybe you need to beat him over the head with it (kind of like CVA hinted). H needs to hear from you that you want to save this M too (if that's still what you want). H also needs to know what is important to you right now and what will help to save this M, and he needs to firmly hear this from you. Don't cower under his control -- you do hold all of the cards right now and you must put your foot down and spell things out for him. I'm guessing you think that if you have to tell him how to act and interact with you, then it will be forced and won't be from his heart. If this is the case, I would like to say that, sure, maybe it is forced at the moment, but he will come to realize its importance and the validation, empathy, etc, will eventually become quite sincere. But, have no doubt that even the forced validation and empathy comes from the heart, because he is willing to go outside his comfort zone and what he thinks is important to try and save your M. Forced or not, the effort stems from the heart.

Give it a shot. Tell him, "Whether or not you think my feelings aren't right and are unnecessary is beside the point, H. The bottom line is that they are my feelings, and because they are my feelings they are important. If we are going to work on this M, you are going to have to step into my shoes and try to understand where I'm coming from -- feel what I'm feeling. Until you do that and have some respect for me and what I need right now, things will not get any better. If you love me and want to save this M, then this is what I need from you. There is no quick fix to this, H. I wish there was but there isn't. This is going to take time, and I need you to understand and respect this. I'm sorry that it is this way, but that's where I'm at right now."

Have you more or less laid this out for him yet? I think your H really needs to have your needs spelled out to him if he's going to change, and in all honesty he may very well need a legal separation to bring about his epiphany. For my awakening, it took my W leaving me and moving into her apt before I got it. I would at least like to see you tell H what isn't helping in terms of the MC seshs, his time around you, his behavior, etc. I know it feels like it's not sincere change if he doesn't decide on doing it on his own, but if he'll make the effort, it shows that he cares enough to try. He may not understand it, but doing it because you say you need it says a lot IMO.

I just hope you try everything before you throw in the towel, that's all. I respect your decision either way. I know that you are discouraged right now, and don't want to wait for the epiphany, but sometimes leaving a horse in the desert hoping he'll search out and find the nearby waterhole proves to be deadly if he simply thinks you'll be back to get him (lame, on-the-fly analogy).

Take care,

GD

[waw1978]

I haven't thrown in the towel yet! I had a really rough weekend but I am picking myself up again and going in for the next round!

[Not Much Left]

Excellent! Good PMA. Keep posting if you need to discuss / vent.