The only difficulty (and a big difference from you) was that I was truly mourning the end of my marriage because my XH and I were so meant for each other, were so in love with each other and had had such a great marriage. For better or worse, I don't think you have that complication!!
That's true but I have a problem that is almost the opposite. It's almost like I have this nihilistic feeling that love doesn't really exist because I feel nothing for my 2bx anymore. Because I so purposefully set about detaching myself from the relationship emotionally, I have this sense that beyond infatuation or chemical attraction which one is always able to discount or rationalize or get over, love is always a choice and therefore only exists if you will it, not as something alive and free in the world.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That's true but I have a problem that is almost the opposite.
Exactly! Your issue to deal with is opposite of mine - neither better or worse just a whole different set of issues.
It's almost like I have this nihilistic feeling that love doesn't really exist because I feel nothing for my 2bx anymore. Because I so purposefully set about detaching myself from the relationship emotionally, I have this sense that beyond infatuation or chemical attraction which one is always able to discount or rationalize or get over, love is always a choice and therefore only exists if you will it, not as something alive and free in the world.
Well this is a much deeper topic!! For me, love IS always a choice and for me that doesn't lessen the intensity or specialness of it at all. Of course I believe that it must start with some spark, special connection and feeling but from there it really does become something that you choose. You can choose to look at your partner's idiosyncrasies as either annoying or adorable. For some people (Raven's XW being one) that is utterly unromantic. But to me it IS romantic. To me there is nothing romantic about someone ditching a relationship in times of trouble. romantic IS dealing with the difficulties of REAL life.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Fearless I believe that it must start with some spark, special connection and feeling I tend to go with compatability over spark. compatability starts the R, compatability maintains the R.
but from there it really does become something that you choose. I will buy that.
Mojo I have this sense that beyond infatuation or chemical attraction which one is always able to discount or rationalize or get over, love is always a choice and therefore only exists if you will it, not as something alive and free in the world. I can go with that too.
Maybe this is what happens to people who try to improve their M and then quit trying. It's par for the course.
Lil "Do you have a boyfriend?" definitively?
BTW, the proper answer to that question (which you can decide to share or not) is: "I don't have a boyfriend; I have a lover." What about "I am dating someone right now."
For me, love IS always a choice and for me that doesn't lessen the intensity or specialness of it at all. Of course I believe that it must start with some spark, special connection and feeling but from there it really does become something that you choose. You can choose to look at your partner's idiosyncrasies as either annoying or adorable. For some people (Raven's XW being one) that is utterly unromantic. But to me it IS romantic. To me there is nothing romantic about someone ditching a relationship in times of trouble. romantic IS dealing with the difficulties of REAL life.
I guess I have a slightly different take on the "choice" issue than you given my history. You know that horrible old expression "It's as easy to love a rich man as a poor one.", I guess I am operating in the mode of telling myself "It's as easy to love someone who will be good for you as someone who will make you feel like cr*p.". It's impossible to discount or dismiss issues of compatibility or basic attraction but I want to tread wisely within that realm. One complication with the guy I am dating now is that, as I mentioned previously, he actually is kind of semi-famous in a certain arena of absolute coolness so this adds some ego issues for me along the lines of "Why in the h*ck is he dating me?" Of course, the answer almost certainly is "Because he is really just as dorky as you in spite of his reputation for coolness."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Also, we were walking around his garden talking about design and I was lightheartedly lamenting the fact that I might be without a garden for a while and he said I could take over his garden. HOWEVER, he never lets me know when I am going to see him again
Yeah, I definitely get this. With the lover I had who was such a perfect match for me, there were times when in the throes of joy I wanted to say ILY, but it wasn't appropriate, because, well, we weren't in love. (I'm sure you recall that he was married to my lesbian friend from high school and that he passed away a month before my H in 2000. BTW, her current partner-- a woman-- has just been diagnosed with a very advanced, aggressive cancer... so my girlfriend is facing that long dark road again. My friend's partner is having a biopsy even as I write this, so they can decide which "mass" to go after first with chemo... this is the nightmare of every widowed, re-partnered person... )
Those comments like "you can take over my garden" and yet not firming up a routine for seeing each other... crazymaking for sure. Has he ever been married? If so, did they live at this house?
This zone where one starts to feel around for some kind of routine/certainty/assurance is the pits, especially if you're sure you don't want to be in a committed R again. It's like you want just enough commitment so you don't have to sit by the phone, but not so much that a) you feel hemmed in and b) you start acting/feeling like you're married.
Originally Posted By: Lou
Lil: BTW, the proper answer to that question (which you can decide to share or not) is: "I don't have a boyfriend; I have a lover."
Lou: What about "I am dating someone right now."
I wasn't talking about what Mojo should say to others when they ask her; I was talking about how she can define this R to herself.
My point was that I'm not sure Mojo and Mr. Garden ARE "dating," but I AM sure he is her lover. The categories "boyfriend," "lover," "someone I'm dating" can overlap but not necessarily. The man I referred to in my life was definitely a lover, but he was not a boyfriend, and not someone I was seeing/dating.
The categories "boyfriend," "lover," "someone I'm dating" can overlap but not necessarily. OK, I see the difference.
I know Mojo didn't have any control as to what the guy asked her. I was thinking the more non-descript her answer was, the better.
It reminded me of the wrong way to ask a woman for a date (What are you doing x night) when he should have asked something like (if I am not of line and you are interested, I would like to go on a date/what ever, with you). No prying into Mojo�s life, just straight intent on his part.
Those comments like "you can take over my garden" and yet not firming up a routine for seeing each other... crazymaking for sure. Has he ever been married? If so, did they live at this house?
Well, there are some practical complications. The house is one he purchased after divorcing. He has every other week joint custody of his kids and I have full custody of my D16 so there is a certain amount of sneaking around that has to be planned unless/until we get to a stage where our kids are aware that we are seeing each other. Also, we live about 2 hours away from each other so it's not like we can just meet for a quickie very easily if a kid-free opportunity arises. Basically, he can't come to my house at all because my daughter is always potentially around and so we have to do all our dating and mating in his neck of the woods when his kids aren't around so I'm actually more stuck in waiting by the phone mode than most women would be. I just have no clue how most high drive divorced people who have kids handle this stage of things.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I just have no clue how most high drive divorced people who have kids handle this stage of things.
I think they deal with it exactly the way y'all are dealing.
Having him that far away is probably a good thing at this point. If he were two HOUSES away instead of two HOURS away, that could push the R into some kind of zone where no one is ready to be yet.
Just make sure you ENJOY it and don't over think it too much. Just soak this up, through the pores of your skin without passing it through your mental screen too much. Be like a flower in the sun, and pho-to-SYN-thi-size!
Instead of saying "if he likes me he must be inwardly dorky, too," why not say, "if he likes me, I must be inwardly COOL, too"?
Having him that far away is probably a good thing at this point. If he were two HOUSES away instead of two HOURS away, that could push the R into some kind of zone where no one is ready to be yet.
You could be right. My D16 is going out of state with my MIL for a couple weeks in August so maybe we can have an all out f*ckfest then if things are still going cool and hot. Whatever.
Quote:
Just make sure you ENJOY it and don't over think it too much. Just soak this up, through the pores of your skin without passing it through your mental screen too much. Be like a flower in the sun, and pho-to-SYN-thi-size!
Oh, trust me, I am very much in the moment when I am in the moment. It's just this lame*ss waitin' by the phone syndrome that gets me down.
Quote:
Instead of saying "if he likes me he must be inwardly dorky, too," why not say, "if he likes me, I must be inwardly COOL, too"?
Yeah, don't think I haven't had that thought - lol. I am barely repressing the urge to call up my cooler friends just so I can say "Guess who I'm sleeping with.". I gotta tell you, even if I get dumped unceremoniously, having sex with this guy has popped the top right off my sexual validation meter. My confidence is sky high. I'm feeling the female equivalent of "cocky". I wonder what that word would be?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
)
