Thanks for the vote of confidence, Cadesmom! Three boys has to be tough. Although maybe they keep each other occupied better than just one.
For some reason, last night I couldn't stop imagining the alternatives to the choices I made three years ago when I left AK. I fantasized a lot about what would have happened if I'd just refused to fill the vacuum my H left when he fell into a depression at work and disappeared. What if I'd let myself fall into the same depression. Part of me wanted so bad to wait for the rare occasion that H came over to see our then S2 and then disappear. Get in the car and drive away with a bottle of pills. Let him be the one left behind to raise a son alone. I spent almost an hour fantasizing about the details. He'd have to leave the service, go stay with his parents, get a lesser payign civilian job with normal hours. He'd be right where I am. He'd be spending years of his life digging himself out of a hole. Not me.
To bad I'd have to die for that to happen and leave S without a mom.
So, just like the alternative of filing for D seemed last year, taking myself out would have been worse than the path I chose. even though this path sometimes leaves me feeling inferior. If I didn't end the M when he treated me like trash, and occasionally still does, it makes me trash in others' eyes and my own. At least that's the way it seems sometimes.
And sometimes I realize that I'm placing too much importance on what other people think of me.
Anyway...things are going very well between H and I. He still seems to want to be with us, calls whenever he can, tells me about his new job. He is on his new ship, 150 miles away (as opposed to 3,000+). I hope to see him in a couple weeks, if he gets the weekend off. He seems happy with his new job so far...which is huge. Seeing as how unhappiness with his old job is what he blames our entire situation on. So his family is at the mercy of how well he likes his work.
