Gotcha I actually feel better when (i) someone listens and (ii) I can have some plan walking out of there.
Generally item (i) is what they do, item (ii) I have found them not so great at.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
My appt w/ new C is in less than 4 hrs and H still hasn't told me if he's going. This wishy-washiness is driving me crazy. I asked him last night if he had decided if he was going to go and he said he didn't know. I asked if it was because of the time (busy time for him at work) or because he didn't want to go and he said "a little of both." He told me he would let me know this morning.
I had the kids call him on the cell this AM as I was bringing them to daycare. My d7 gave me the phone when she was done talking, and I told him that I would have to call him later as it was too loud in there to talk. I waited until about 11:45 to call him back, left a message, and I haven't heard back from him. I am going to assume I will be going alone and try to have a PMA about it. I'll be able to focus on me. I'm a little nervous about going, meeting a new C, probably falling apart in front of a stranger.
I'm really getting tired of living in limbo, not knowing if H is going to be distant or not, not knowing if I'll wake up with him in bed next to me (couch on Monday, bed on Tuesday- what will tonight bring?), not knowing if he'll be joining us on a weekend away next weekend. I still haven't told the kids about the w/e away, as I don't want to dash their hopes if I change my mind about going w/o h.
I have tried to be all about giving him space. I had to laugh the other night at mini-golf when s7 was standing too close to h while he was trying to putt and I said "Give Daddy some space." I guess we all need to do it.
Good moment from yesterday; As I was leaving for work, we had a mutual hug and h said "Thanks for a nice birthday." I said "I hope it was good." and he said "It was- thanks." I know there's not much in the words, but he seemed to be his old self for a few minutes, which was refreshing.
I've been inspired by reading some of the success stories on this site, yet discouraged at how long the process takes. I will keep plugging on.
I was on my way to the first appt w/new C and h still hadn't called to tell me whether or not he was going. The phone rings, I can't reach it and it goes to vm. It was h calling to tell me that he was on his way to the C. He had left work early, ran a vague "errand" (looking at apts, I bet) and stopped off at the library to pick up a video for our s7.
C started by asking us on a scale of 1 to 10, how invested we were in getting the M to work, with 10 meaning we would do anything to save the M and 0 meaning the obvious. I started (wish I had let H go first) and said an 8. H couldn't answer, just said it was a "low number." H spent a lot of time talking about his issues (gambling, being adopted, not talking to a brother and his father). He also talked about how he's been disappointed in the lack of intimacy in our M. He spent a lot of time talking about how he was going to be the bad guy and hurt us if he left. I had to interject and say that he obviously didn't worry about that when he's hurt us in the past. I talked about how I am finding it so hard to trust him, how I'm working on controlling my anger, my parenting issues. C talked about honesty being paramount in our R, even if we end up as co-parents only.
When I was talking about trust, C was trying to explain how I need to find something inside myself that I don't trust myself about and work on changing that. If I fully trust myself, I'll be able to trust h. I'm not sure I agree with that. She tried to use the same concept w/h and I could tell he wasn't buying it. I think she was trying to say that you need to change yourself to change the way you relate to other people, which I do agree with. Near the end, h asked me how my life would be different if he moved out tomorrow. He asked in a way that made me think that he doesn't think his leaving would have much effect on me. I was flabbergasted at the question and told him that first off, the kids would be devastated and I would have to deal with that. Then I would miss him and be angry that he left without even trying to work things out.
I liked the new C. She had alot more insight than the last C, who just seemed to sit there waiting for us to spill our guts. H wasn't as positive as I was, especially with the "looking inward" part.
At the end, she asked if we wanted to come in again. I said yes, h said he didn't know. I made an appt for 2 weeks later.
Afterward, we sat in the car and talked more about our R, while the rain pelted down around us. I apologized for being a bad wife, for relying on him to always support me no matter how I acted, for expecting him to counterbalance my moods. He told me that was codependency. He also apologized for being a bad h and for the other things he's done. We talked a bit more and then he said he needed a coffee. I suggested a shop down the street, asked if he wanted to go alone. He said I could come too, if I wanted to. We drove separately and met there, he bought us both coffee, I bought a big cookie that we shared. He told me he had spoken to an old friend (who's divorced) and then asked about why one of my friends had gotten divorced. It was a decent conversation, even though I didn't appreciate his obvious slant. Then, I had to leave to go pick up the kids. He stayed behind and came home about an hour and a half later.
Usual stuff at home, getting the kids to bed, etc, went fine. No more R talks. He slept on the couch.
I am thinking about asking him to read 5LLs and/or SSM. Advice? I think asking couldn't hurt, and if he actually reads them, they might shed some new light onto his thinking (bring me closer to my goals?)
I am thinking more and more that this is MLC. I realized last night that my dad was 51 or 52 when he and my mom separated for awhile when I was in high school. H is now 50. I need to change my siggy.
I think coming right out and asking him to read it may not work to well. Leave them around, see if he makes a comment "then" suggest, you should read it (them) in on on casual manner.
Just on on thought...
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I haven't said anything yet about either of the books, but I'm still thinking about it. Last night before I went out to dinner and a movie with a gf, I left SSM on the bed. When I got home, I couldn't find it. I later saw it on the floor on h's side of the bed, but he hasn't said anything about it. One of the kids may have moved it, maybe?
The weekend was pretty good, at least I felt pretty good. H seemed to be in a good mood today, which is always a bonus.
I'll do some journaling later. I just tried and couldn't get anything of substance out.
I feel sad. I miss knowing that I am loved. I feel so alone. I miss his hugs. I miss having him look me in the eye. I wish I had something to look forward to. I miss my partner, my best friend.
I am so sorry. These feelings come, and are to be expected. But you will bounce back. A wise poster here told me they are like waves crashing in. You can withstand it. You are strong.
What can you do for you today to take your attention off the sad thoughts? Exercise? Shop? A movie? A walk?
Also, commit to not making any decisions while your emotions are so strong. Also try to avoid or minimize contact with your spouse.
Hang in there. This will not last forever.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
H spent a lot of time talking about his issues (gambling, being adopted, not talking to a brother and his father). He also talked about how he's been disappointed in the lack of intimacy in our M. He spent a lot of time talking about how he was going to be the bad guy and hurt us if he left. I had to interject and say that he obviously didn't worry about that when he's hurt us in the past. I talked about how I am finding it so hard to trust him, how I'm working on controlling my anger, my parenting issues. C talked about honesty being paramount in our R, even if we end up as co-parents only.