I don't care why he might have that preference (actually I know why he said it was a tactile preference). I am wondering about his motivation for stating such a preference. The territorial side for me would be, I like something and would ask you to grant the wish because I would have some need to see you doing something I liked/wanted.
It could signal a small degree of ownership on my part. It could signal a degree of what I will call my preference is how it should be or one form is better than another form.
If I was the new man, I would eventually state my preference or talk about what I thought was better/ my preference. I wouldn't insist on it.
About tats, I wouldn't ask that they be removed. I might say some thing like I prefer tattoo- less to a tat and if in a LTR with the intention of making it lasting, ask you didn't get any more.
Some tats look good. Some tats are not to my liking because of quality or style. I also am concerned about blood borne infections. I realize most tat places use hygienic methods but some one can slip up.
Back to the territorial p!$$ing-It's my property thing. It can be said, if he asks you to wear or not wear a certain type/style of clothing or jewelry, is that also territorial marking, or is it a preference.
I have had conversations with BB about tats. She wants to do her eyebrows so she doesn't have to put on eyebrows with a pencil. I said fine but check out the hygienic procedures the shop uses thoroughly. I don't want her to have anymore medical conditions. She has too many small problems now, that interfere with our R.
Do you want or dislike the territory thing, if that is what it is? Is territorial akin to keeping/planning on a LTR or does it feel like he is in some way controlling you?
Lou
Sm So now he knows that you do. Fun in bed, yet nurturing. What's not to like? Exactly SM, what is not to like.
I mean, if you choose to "let your freak flag fly"
Okay, the verdict is that I am a freak for going around looking like that - lol . I don't know why that particular comment struck me as "territorial". I didn't feel that way when he asked me if I liked bald earlier in the week because his daughter had lice and he was afraid he might get them too.
Actually, new guy and I had a convo about games and players on our first date. I said something like "If some middle-aged guy is on the internet in order to go around playing women like a frat boy with a tote board then he has far worse problems then any of the women he ends up playing." Everybody plays games in relationships but that sort of game is just juvenile and boring, IMO.
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Once he started talking about his kids, it stopped being a proto-relationship.
Wrong. All the divorced Dads I have dated have talked to me about their kids (I told you guys I am more like a kindergarten librarian personality-wise in real life even when I dress all slutty. It's true!). The guy I am dating now actually talked to me about talking to his son about the birds and the bees on our second date. It only stops being a proto-relationship when they INTRODUCE you to their kids. - lol
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Stop fearing the cow. The cow is an important part of who you are. In fact, one of things that would concern a guy about dating a female player is fear that the woman may not have a nurturing side. So now he knows that you do. Fun in bed, yet nurturing. What's not to like?
IMO, a lot of guys don't like the nurturing because it brings on a feeling of obligation or cozy non-fun or something like that. As far as my own intimacy issues are concerned at the moment, all I can say is "Yeah, I almost certainly have them." but I think they're gradually getting better. I actually believe that some men actually want to have sex with me now. That's an improvement. However, I still don't "believe" that anyone would want to be romantically involved with me so I have a "numb" reaction to romantic gestures- sort of like someone who can't accept compliments. But at least I'm self-aware about it and I know that I am 100% responsible for believing all good things about myself and responding in that manner. There are probably reasons why a high drive vegetarian guy who claims to be a lousy cook wouldn't want to date a woman who can happily provide sex and eggplant parmigian at the drop of a hat but probably those reasons arent "my" problem.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay, I should probably explain what it's like to be a woman participating in the cultural phenomenom of Match.com from my POV. The middle-aged men on Match who I've been dating are looking for relationships. They're not players. Match isn't really the place to hang out if you are a player. So it's kind of like they're catalogue shopping for a girlfriend or a potential second wife or something like that. Because they approach me based on my profile and picture and not vice versa, it's kind of like I'm a puppy in a pet shop window and they find me appealing enough to check me out, play with me a bit, maybe take me for a walk around the block, make sure I'm healthy and not overly aggressive or timid, give me a bone, see what kind of tricks I might do etc. - lol . Okay, my analogy breaks down here because it's also like they're trying to sell themselves to me as potential pet owners. So right away they tell me all about their homes and their jobs and their kids and they are very gentlemanly and romantic. If I am making the guy I am dating now sound like a player, I am doing him a disservice. He is really very sweet.
The thing is at some point somebody has to make a call about whether or not you will be a good "match" with each other. My baby sister who is pretty much the most sane member of my extended family/friend network told me that I ought to just break up with new guy because I am so clearly on the rebound and in no shape to be making decisions about relationships. Good evidence in this direction would be that I was willing to toddle right along with the last guy I was dating and now I'm like "What in the h*ll was I thinking? We were seriously incompatible in some major ways. The man believed in reincarnation and I believe in irony."
The other point I might make is that those of you who are married and have been married for a while are really not cognizant of what it's like to be single and dating. You think "What's not to like?" about me because you don't remember what it's like to have choices. I am way more picky about who I want to date in some ways than I ever imagined I would be when I was stuck in my SSM and I would consider it a sign of personal growth if I got even pickier and I would prefer to be involved with somebody who is being picky and still picking me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The other point I might make is that those of you who are married and have been married for a while are really not cognizant of what it's like to be single and dating. You think "What's not to like?" about me because you don't remember what it's like to have choices.
You probally have that right.
Most of the married type advice is along the line of you made a choice and need to get along with each other.
I am way more picky about who I want to date in some ways than I ever imagined I would be when I was stuck in my SSM and I would consider it a sign of personal growth if I got even pickier and I would prefer to be involved with somebody who is being picky and still picking me. That is similar to what happened to QOE100/Jill who posted on my thread a few times.
I remember lots of talk about her dating good and bad guys and her being selective. She went to Spain and dance classes with one guy but there wasn't the right spark in the R, so she moved on. Jill lives in your state and was going to DB get-to=gethers.
Just as a late addition of opinion to the boyfriend comment.... I would not see it as territorial... but as an expression of HIS mental comfort level. As an example, my bf likes that I shave down there, but he has told me he does NOT like a woman who goes hairless... because it does look immature and very girlish to him. In the same breath, he also says, "it's your body, but if you want to know what it does for me, I find women who go hairless more of a turn off than a turn on."
So... I see the fact that he found a nice way to tell you as an honest expression of how he feels. I think it is very cool he felt he could be honest with you and say something... (and I'm going to guess that it is a strong enough feeling for him risking bringing it up, kwis?) BUT. It is obviously YOUR choice.
Now... if he then starts dropping his preferences on how you dress, how you wear your hair, how you do your nails, etc., etc., then I'd see that as a red flag.
My wife is completely natural, but I would prefer a lot less hair. How do you take care of it so that it does not itch or bother. She really does not want to trim for fear it will be uncomfortable much of the time.
Okay, I see that I am still not making my point clearly. I do not personally care about the waxing issue. It was just something I did recently in a zany moment like I might decide to get my ears triple pierced or dye my hair red. Actually it was more like one of those moments where you try to cut your own bangs and they're not even so you cut them more and etc. and pretty soon you look kind of weird but you tell yourself otherwise - lol . I had every intention of growing back a more natural look eventually myself.
Here's my issue. I went to the beach by myself yesterday so I was thinking about the incident when the Dominican guy swam up to me and asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. My personality type is such that I don't like being in a position where I don't know how to answer that question. Do I have a boyfriend? I don't know. What I have is a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks who I have had more seriously hot sex with than I usually had with my 2bx in a six month block. It's hard for me to have a rational take on a relationship where I feel like we're exhibiting a lot of control if we end up in bed 1/2 hour after meeting up rather than 5 minutes or we only have sex twice in a 12 hour block rather than 3x. I don't think I ever quite understood the concept of magnetic attraction before. Right now I haven't seen him for a couple days and we're a couple hours away from each other and it's not like I'm really pining for him BUT I know if we were in the same room we'd be going at it almost immediately and there would be no questions about who initiated the encounter anymore than you would question which magnet was attracting the other magnet and we're both really big strong magnets so it's kind of intense. Especially at that point where the polarity reverses and I go flying at the headboard - lol.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo, do you have to choose between breaking up with him or getting "more serious"? Is HE trying to make this into something serious? Can't you just go on enjoying the great sex? The chemistry that you're enjoying with this guy is an act of God, a fact of nature, like Niagara Falls or something. It's rare and precious. I say enjoy it and don't overanalyze it or look too far ahead. I have had this with one man only in my 58 years. Enjoy it until you're sure you want something else. Notice I said until "YOU WANT" something else. Don't be misled by what you think you should want, or what you think it's time for you to be wanting, kwim? You're still pretty fresh out of that marriage... bask in what you have now. Stay in the present.
So what if you can't answer the question "Do you have a boyfriend?" definitively?
BTW, the proper answer to that question (which you can decide to share or not) is: "I don't have a boyfriend; I have a lover."
Okay, I see that I am still not making my point clearly. I do not personally care about the waxing issue. It was just something I did recently in a zany moment like I might decide to get my ears triple pierced or dye my hair red. Actually it was more like one of those moments where you try to cut your own bangs and they're not even so you cut them more
I think people here understood your point better than you initially did! Using your above examples, would you expect someone not to comment on a botched bang cut or odd shade of red hair? I thought your question about your guy's comment on your wax job was odd because I thought his commenting on it was pretty normal. It wasn't like he demanded you do anything; it was just an observation and comment, right?
Here's my issue....Do I have a boyfriend? I don't know.
YES, this was what I thought yesterday's question was really about but you did NOT state it that way at all! IMO, what you have is a guy you ARE interested in whether he is your "boyfriend" or not. AND at this point I don't think you really care exactly how serious you are as much as I don't think you are interested in going out with anyone else as long as this is progressing as you like. Am I right?
I don't think you have to consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend in order to be "off the market" for awhile. Just relax and go with it IF that is how you feel.
For future reference, one possible answer to "Are you married or do you have a boyfriend?" is Yes I am seeing someone. It's kind of ambiguous in that you are not stating a husband or boyfriend but you are saying you are not interested in going out with the person who asked. Would that work for you???
As to what you sister advised, I think that has to be a personal decision. I happen to find forced timelines based on others opinions pretty useless. While it was a bit odd to start seeing Raven SO quickly and it was sudden, I have no regrets in our relationship. There wasn't rebounding or any other problems. In fact because both Raven and I had been DBing and self improving for awhile we were really on the same wavelength which was cool. The only difficulty (and a big difference from you) was that I was truly mourning the end of my marriage because my XH and I were so meant for each other, were so in love with each other and had had such a great marriage. For better or worse, I don't think you have that complication!!
Enjoy yourself MJ.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Okay, here's my confusion. We are having super hot sex. He does things that I consider sweet or romantic like we went to a concert and the performer made a joke about riding the Detroit Princess Riverboat and he held my hand up in the air as if to indicate that I am the Detroit Princess. Also, we were walking around his garden talking about design and I was lightheartedly lamenting the fact that I might be without a garden for a while and he said I could take over his garden. HOWEVER, he never lets me know when I am going to see him again so I am in put into that horrible sitting by the phone mode which all the dating advice books advise one to avoid like the plague. Of course, there are only two known cures for "sitting by the phone mode". You either need to continue to date other men or get a life. I don't want to date other men so I am trying to get a life. Of course, whining to you guys is the opposite of that so clearly I am having a counter-productive day but at least I am self-aware about my counter-productivitiy - lol .
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
