One link at a time

[BeingMe]

Not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I sent this email to my H tonight. I just feel that he is in a place now, where he will not be able to respond to how I am feeling, or any other R discussions. He sounded so depressed and sad when I talked to him on the phone while he was waiting at the airport. I hadn't meant to continue talking to him about how I'm feeling. When I put the phone down, I started thinking about what I can do, and how I can move on past this. Anyway, read the email and tell me what y'all think (in it, you will read what I am going to try and do, and just hope it works):

Hi, my love. I thought I would send this email with some of the thoughts I had tonight after speaking to you. Hopefully, I can sleep now, after sending this to you.

I don't know where we went wrong .... what corner we turned that led us to this place in time, and to this point in our marriage. I do know that I am grateful for so much, and have never regretted marrying you, and spending the last 22 years with you. There have been lots of times when I have felt so much pain and hurt, that it clouded my vision of the good times (and I am truly sorry I allowed myself to do that), and the great things that we had. And there were many, many wonderful times. Wealth and prestige, and even job satisfaction (in my opinion) isn't everything. We have the most awesome children, that we brought into this world, and who shared this life's journey with us. They are our greatest successes. To now fall down, and fail ourselves will be the worst thing we can do to them. They may be growing and some grown, but they still need us ... as examples, if nothing else. I am also grateful that we have been able to move to Canada (all thanks to you and your career decisions), that we have always had nice homes to live in, transportation to get where we needed to get, clothes on our backs, food on our table, friends and even family that cared about us (one way or another). I am grateful for all the adventures we have had, the places we've seen, and I am even grateful for the bad times, because it showed me we can grow and learn, and not to get too prideful.

I have been on such a weird journey of self discovery in the last few years (started even before the whole debacle in 2004/05), as I think I have mentioned to you, probably many times. I decided a while back, that I will not allow anything or anyone define who I am, how I will feel, and more importantly, what my attitude will be. I will define myself. I have really tried to stick to that, and believe me, I have fallen down many times, but each time I chose to stand up, and continue to try and grow and learn from past experiences, good and bad ... I still have a long way to go. My first obstacle was my temper and that is still a demon I fight all the time, but it is a lot weaker. I will probably always have that part of me, and maybe I need it because it shows I have a certain amount of passion. Or not, who knows! 'Eh!

I hope that you will see that nothing truly defines you, except you. Your job doesn't make you who you are, neither do we (your family), or friends, or your hobbies. It's what you choose inside to be that will define the man you are. I know that deep inside, you know who you are ... a good man, someone with strength (and I always relied on that strength, perhaps unfairly), intelligent, trustworthy, hard working, dependable, a positive attitude, spiritual, and courageous. Somewhere along the line, you lost sight of that, and I wish that man will come back, but that is your choice to make. I feel so awful for you, that you are in such a place of feeling like you are a failure, and feeling less useful to the children. I can tell you that you are not a failure and that we all still need you so much, until I am blue in the face, but it will do no good until you feel and know that for yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes (haven't we all), but you have also made many good decisions. Not everything is going to work. But, I also know how frustrated you are now with all that's been happening with this new job, so I do empathize, and understand that these things are depressing.

Life is what it is, and all we poor humans can do is find the humour in it, and the joys that may come our way, and treasure them. We can choose to withdraw into ourselves and not interact with the ones we love, or we can take a chance and truly put our emotions and feelings on the line, and trust that no matter what, all will work out for the best for those who believe it possible. But, we have to be ready within ourselves to do that. I have so much to learn, and a long way to go. I have been down in the dumps in the last couple of weeks because I genuinely miss you, and I am sorry that I have allowed myself to get so stressed about it. I have missed you for such a long time, though, that I guess I get impatient (another demon I am trying to vanquish). I guess I just want the whole romantic thing, making love, loving each other, having fun, and being able to talk to each other about everything to happen now, but I can't force it, and I have to keep remembering that there is a season for everything. I am thankful that we still do have fun, and chat, and do stuff together, and I hope the rest will follow one day.

So, I am sure you are wondering what the point of this email is ... well, I have decided that I will try and give you the space to work on sorting out your job situation, and anything else you want to figure out in your life. I will step back, and let you be with regards to my silly feelings and emotions. I still expect to be involved in our financial affairs, and any other decisions, but I will really try not to engage you in anymore relationship discussions. Let's just try and enjoy each other, as best we can, and please continue to talk to me about things that concern you, like your job. I am no prophet, so don't know if we will end up still married down the line (I sure hope we end up two old reprobates irritating our kids on how it was in our day, celebrating some golden anniversary or another, and just pleased to be with each other to the end - still a long time before all that, but one can imagine), but whatever happens, I will always love you, and wish you happiness. I certainly don't want to be the one adding to your stress, or sadness, hence my decision. I will just try and get on with my life and continue trying to learn some new life lessons. I really want to have a creative career, as you know, where I can allow that part of me have a way of expressing itself, and if it actually makes money, then so much the better. So, for now, I will concentrate on that, and try and have fun and laughs along the way. I am just trying to believe that we must be here, in this particular place, for a reason, that we just can't see right now, but that will become clear as time goes by.

So! After all that, I sure do hope you have a fairly decent birthday. I know you're probably extremely tired, so get to bed as early as possible tonight.

Love you, Debbie

PS Here are a couple of quotes that I think about, and sometimes ponder - maybe they will 'speak' to you in some way:

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." William James (1842 - 1910)

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)