This is my first day in this forum and my first time seeking advice anywhere.
First off, I'm 31, I am not married but I have had an exclusive relationship with a beautiful woman that I love for close to 3 years. We ordinarily get along pretty good. I enjoy spending time with her and we rarely have any major arguments. During a majority of our relationship, we would spend close to 100% of our free time together. I'm not saying I thought this was totally healthy as I thought we should each have alone time or time with other friends and I would occasionally bring that up but she pushed that a little and I became very used to her company.
She did have an affair after we were together about a year. It was during a rare 3-4 day argument we had that wasn't really over anything important. She said the affair meant nothing. That she was drunk and it was just a one day fling. But it led to so many distrust issues and was very hard for me to overcome. I never was the jealous type prior to that but it led me to start checking phone records, emails, etc. She promised that she would never hurt me in that way again. I did forgive her and after much effort finally stopped bringing it up and things got totally back to where they were prior to the affair.
Now here we are. She's offwork on Thursdays and Fridays but I never see her anymore on those days. This has been ongoing for the past 2 months. She also leaves for work early some days, and gets home late other days. She tells me shes visiting a relative in a nearby city 70-80 miles that she never went to visit previously. She stays the night there Thursday night and usually wont answer her cellphone if I call her on Thu/Fri or she will give me a delayed callback. When shes not off work, she stays home a lot more now instead of spending time at my house.
She's been talking to this guy from her work everyday on her cell phone which she keeps religiously by her side. Shes become very protective and serious about her cellphone where she wasn't previously. She hasn't introduced me to this guy, she told me he doesn't know that shes even in a relationship with someone, but she knows that he is in a relationship but he has still made some minor sexual hints/advances to her which she claims shes just ignored. The only way I found out about this guy was by snooping cell phone records after she started pulling away from me. I finally caught her with him in her car this week, and she told me it was nothing. But then she added to me on the phone later that day that they "are just friends", that she "didn't want me to find out", and they "haven't had sex YET...". Yes, she said YET. But if things don't work out between her and I, that they might someday.
This has brought everything that hurt me from the past back out into the open. I feel hurt, sad, betrayed, confused, jealous, like I'm not good enough for her, brokenhearted, and angry that she would even put us in a situation where this entire issue has come up again after it was so painful to get away from the first time. I feel like if our relationship was important to her that she would see that this is hurting me and causing our relationship stress and that she would want to end her involvement with the guy.
Every Thursday/Friday I can expect her to make plans now and be gone the entire 48 hour period, and we argue about it now. It's not just that I don't know what she is up to (I do believe she spends SOME time with the relative), but I also feel excluded, lonely, and I miss her on those days. Since they are her only offdays, we never get to spend much time together doing anything anymore. I question the point of being in a relationship where you never do anything together (the majority of the 5 days she works, she is either working or sleeping).
We haven't gone out to eat or gone to do anything fun or on any kind of date for at least 2-3 months now where we did previously. She blames gas prices, but then will go 60-70 miles away weekly to visit her relative and spend time with this guy. Yes, she even admits to spending time with the guy, but only as friends. She says they like to "hang out", and swears sex isn't involved (again, yet). She says that he is her friend, and I am her partner.
I have tried threatening a breakup for a few days. She convinced me with words that we should stay together but not necessarily with actions.
I have tried honest open discussion saying that I'd rather she not continue being friends with someone thats made even minor sexual advances/hints when shes considered them, and cheated in the past.
I have tried being overly responsive to her needs spending extra time with her or pushing us to be together but I think I'm annoying her with this approach.
This one issue is just ruining what to me was a perfect relationship as we're now fighting constantly. Whenever she gets a phone call, she will step out of the room and I'm thinking it's the guy. Whenever she leaves the house a little early, I'm thinking it's the guy and I can't help but to feel sad or angry. I just don't know what to do.
We fight about her being gone Thu/Fri, we fight about me asking her too many questions, we fight about me suggesting that we make some future plans for something fun to do. Just everything. But it all kind of revolves around this problem.
She hasn't indicated any desire to stop being friends with this other guy. I don't believe I'm wrong to ask for this based on the circumstances so I'd like advice on that as well. At the very least, I feel that she should have to inform him that shes in a relationship but since hes in one too and he seems willing to cheat, I don't feel that would be effective as he's apparently got low ethics and character.
She has now told me that everything would be different if we were married. She told me that she would never be hanging out with any guy friends if we were married. But I think these patterns are warning signs and indicate that things would actually get worse if we were to ever marry. Does anyone believe that she would be more dedicated just because of a marriage certificate? I treat our relationship as seriously as I would if we were married because we've discussed it to be exclusive and I want there to be that trust.
This is all I think about 24/7 lately and it's making me so sad. Thanks in advance for your help.
