NikkiB #18

[Gone Dancin']

Hey Nikki -- thought I'd drop in and see how things are going.

well, it does seem to think that your H is looking for a way out. Just continue making it seem like HIS idea, and encouraging him in a good way, but not overdoing it. IMHO that is. and I would never ever bring it up unless he does.

I completely agree with ST here. Give him that sense of empowerment for making this choice completely on his own. It will be much more likely to happen, as well as less likely he would be resentful to anyone but himself in the future if the job switch didn't work out so well.

I don't know what's going on with the MC sitch, but hope that H comes around and decides to make time to go.

Sounds like things are still moving forward -- keep it up (and well done on the "no more perfect Nikki" attitude!).

GD

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hope you had a wonderful weekend Nikki

[NikB]

Thanks all for your posts!! Hi ST, GD, RJ... good to hear from you.

Had a pretty fun weekend. Seems like it went by really fast!! I want to catch up with everyone but I'm barely keeping up with myself right now..eek.

Friday night went out with H and SIL... had a blast!! Saturday was a birthday party for a friend's 1-year-old which was a lot of fun. Sat night went and saw that reggae band I mentioned, they were SO GOOD! We got to see people I haven't seen in probably 10 years, it was great there. They even dragged me up on stage to dance at one point (with a bunch of others from the audience, but still, that's huge for me!). If you've looked at my myspace page it's the friends "urbanfire" - the bass player is Mikey and his wife is Steppin something... very cool people. It was good to reconnect with them.

Today I was kinda mad at myself. I'm out of town again for work and I planned to leave early and just hang out for some "me time" at the hotel, but I just felt kinda funky all day, I'm not sure why. I wanted to be home, didn't want to go anywhere and was NOT looking forward to the drive. Since it was already dinnertime and I hadn't left yet I suggested we do our "Sunday dinner" and that was the topper... I went to the store to get our dinner stuff, walk in, see the tell-tale "poodle hair" and guess who's in the quick-check line? Yep... PW/OW. YUUUCK!! I knew she lived near us but didn't know she ever went to that store. I haven't had to actually see her since Oct of last year and it freaked me out. I ran through what to say to her in my head and none of it was remotely acceptable, so instead I turned and went the other way quickly - not sure if she saw me, but probably. I couldn't believe how nauseated I got and it really shook me for a few hours. Can't believe I am giving that skanky woman so much power in my life. She isn't worth it, just need to get my heart (and stomach) to believe what my head knows.

I semi-recovered from that and went home, we had our dinner, swam for a bit, and then I left for my work hotel where I am now. The drive was nice, gave a lot of thought as to WHY I was so reluctant to leave and I finally realized what it was. The last few times I've been away for work or otherwise not at home, H has gone to dinner with OW/PW (and her new BF so I don't think anything physical happened but still.). And he says things like "Went out with friends since you weren't home" but eventually the truth came out. So now I'm kind of apprehensive about leaving, like it's some "excuse" for the behavior. Lame... but I guess now that I'm aware of it at least I can work on it.

Other than that had a really great weekend, though... sorry to focus on the negative so much! Guess the funk hasn't quite totally lifted, yet.

[kml]

I ran through what to say to her in my head and none of it was remotely acceptable, so instead I turned and went the other way quickly

LOL!!!! I can just imagine what phrases ran through your head!

Ellie

[JAK58]

NIkki,

Doesn't she know the poodle hair went out a long time ago!

Been trrying to keep up with you.

You sound good. Keep up the good work.

I am still in the infidelity forum even though we are piecing I might move soon though to here.


JAk

[S.T. _I Made It!]

ooooh, I don't blame you for running the other way! I don't know what I would do if I saw OW. I probably wouldn't recognize her anyways.

Your reaction is TOTALLY normal. I remember seeing my H's exGF years ago (they dated in HS) and she came in to my work, and my stomach just dropped. I was pregnant though and looked like a homely person, sucked big time!

I'm glad you figured out your hesitancy to leave. Now you can make a goal that you'll know things are doing better, when H won't go eat with OW/BF when your out of town. Just make a decision to know that he will probably see her and you are NOT going to let it affect you. You know your boundaries and you have faith that they will be respected in time. I know your strong enough to do that too Nikki.

I checked out your new pics on myspace. you guys really do look cute together. Does H have a myspace? I didn't see him on your friends list. just curious. hey, have you ever worn mascara? I know you like the natural look, and I do too, but it might be fun to try, and give you a little exotic look.

[Reincarnated]

Nikki--
Again, sorry I have been MIA. Just got my head cleared enough to check in. You have been working so hard--you should be proud of you!
I am very hopeful that your H finds another job, the whole, actions-over-words thing. You taking the breath and giving the space / GALing seems to have done something positive.

I was touched to see your and OT's concern about me--I have to admit, I was (am, but not as much) a mess, but working at that.

Imagine seeing the poodle-hair EVERY DAY. Hearing her giant truck coming and going (the exhaust rattles the windows in my house). It sucks.

Did you get a chance to go over things with the L?

I can tell that you don't always feel it, but you have been so strong through this whole ride. Believe it. Keep searching in your heart for what you really want. If you have read the book The Secret, you can draw things to you by believing, acting as if you already have your desires.
You are such a good person, and you know how you deserve to be treated.
One of the things I am hoping that my H discovers is that we all teach others how we want to be treated--what we are willing to put up with, give out, set boundaries. But no one will know what yours are without you expressing them.

You are doing such good work--know that we are pulling for you!

--Donna

[NikB]

Thanks all for your posts.

Ellie
Oh yeah.. some choice words, that's for sure.

It's one of the "new me" things that has kind of come out of nowhere that I don't like very much - anger, hatred, jealousy. I never had much of these in me before. I guess the anger's healthy and some jealousy's healthy too (as opposed to blind trust)... gotta figure out where the healthy ends and not so healthy begins though. The thoughts of what I wanted to say/do to that woman... not so good!!

jak
haha it's actually good the poodle hair is out. Makes her easier to spot and avoid since NO ONE else has that style anymore.

Thanks for posting. Hope to see you over here soon!! I will try to check out your thread today.

ST
Hmmm intersting goal that you thought of related to being out of town. Part of me feels like that's more of disrespecting myself and not enforcing my boundaries... hadn't thought of it the way you put it. I also don't know that they will be respected unless I DO something to make that happen. What? That's what I'm (still) struggling with. Thanks though, food for thought.

Aw thanks, glad you liked the pics. H doesn't have a myspace page. He kind of thinks of my page as "our" page I think, he tells people "we" have a myspace page sometimes. He's not much into computers though. I actually do wear mascara quite a bit, think it just doesn't show up well in the pictures.

Donna
I'm glad you're doing better. I cannot IMAGINE having to live across the street from the OW - so sorry you have to put up with that. Thanks for the kind words. I don't feel very strong at the moment, but have been trying to build that back up.

I'm planning to call the L at lunch today. Ran out of time last week and they aren't available during weekends/evenings. Sounds like it will be pretty quick though based on what I've read and what people here have said about CA laws.

So some quick journaling... Sunday and Monday night were interesting. H was very careful to tell me where he was, what he was doing, call to let me know what he was up to (and none of it was with OW/PW). Kind of like what he was doing shortly before moving back home. I always thought it was something he'd need to do for me to rebuild trust in him and was surprised that he kind of "knew" it at the time without me telling him. When I got home he was kind of distant and seemed down, but none of that weird childish attitude, acting shady, leaving holes in the "timeline," etc. Just told me what he did all night, what he had for dinner, how the day was at work, etc.

I don't think blowing up on him like I did last week is a good thing exactly, but maybe it did make an impact. Since then he's talked about a new job, seems to be backing away from OW/PW again (at least as far as I can tell), and he's being more open and honest with me. Does it take me totally losing it for it to get through his brain that yes, I'm serious about contact with her not being OK?? Is he deciding to really give "us" an honest chance for awhile, without her in the picture? I really don't know.

Of course my fear is he's doing all of this "to make you happy" or "because it's the right thing to do even though it's not what I WANT to do" - but I guess all of that is out of my hands. I AM glad to see it, but trying not to jump on it too much or get my expectations too high again.

Tonight I'm finally getting that boundaries book, getting my nails done, and waxing my car if I have time... should be a good "non-H focused" night!

[oldtimer]

"should be a good "non-H focused" night"

Lol, and I was going to suggest new dirty lingerie and hot sex, seriously. Burn up the sheets, or the carpet, or the kitchen table, or hallway, or all of the above. Make it your dream night of wild sex, ditch the inhibitions. Take a leap toward intimacy and see what happens. After all, H it seems like H is really starting to take a risk himself by moving away from PW and toward you. Emotional risks that build intimacy are a great tandem sport.

Great to see H is starting to come around. My guess is that his sullenness probably had to do with a text or call from PW. If so, her unwanted intrusions will get tedious very quickly.

Anyway, again, hot sex, just a thought, lol...

[NikB]

OT... funny you should say that, it was actually my first thought! I guess I am hesitant. I feel like he took a few steps towards me and I'm afraid to "leap" at him, if that makes sense. I even thought about initiating something last night, but he seemed so down and distant that it felt really wrong. Some of that may just be fear of the risk on my part, too. I'll see how tonight goes and take it from there (but with your idea in mind, for sure ).

My guess about his mood - Monday is PW's softball night and I imagine he was torn between going there and being home. What I am VERY glad about is that he seemed dark and down about his decision but didn't direct it at me (and, I didn't take it personally or ASSume that I caused his mood).

I sure hope we (well.. he) can break the cycle this time around. The typical cycles have been getting shorter, but it's been:

- H pulls away from PW (sometimes due to me getting upset, sometimes due to a realization on his part that their "friendship" is unhealthy)
- PW cries, begs, pleads, pesters, and H goes through a grouchy, dark, depressed phase. Sometimes his behavior seems like "defiant teenager" and more and more it moves toward "open and honest." (my guess... as the inappropriate actions/behaviors/contact die down he doesn't "need" to lie about it, and he probably also wants and deserves credit for the positive actions).
- H breaks free and truly does limit contact to "required for work only." PW Number disappears from the phone etc.
- H becomes very sweet, loving, kind, really seems "into" our M and making it work.

... and here's where I'm hoping to break the cycle...

- PW does or says something to suck him back in. Usually either dramatic (desparately needs his help with something and no one else can save her), or so subtle it seems harmless (it's just a bunch of coworkers at happy hour, what's the big deal?).
- Contact increases.
- H becomes convinced he's made a mistake being with me, unhappy with the M, starts increasing the distance (often accompanied by lying, sneaking, etc.. cause as long as you don't admit what you did it's not wrong.. ).
- I get more and more upset, bottle it up, and finally blow up about it.
... lather, rinse, repeat.

When I look through the whole cycle I only see one small part of it that I have much influence in. I probably need to do better about addressing that one part, but really, the rest is all H. It kinda helps to see that and realize it.