Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

[catfan]

Locked up another thread, Mixed Signals the roller coaster edition

I've locked up so many I can't count any more. I almost feel ashamed of it actually. I've been here eight months and 1 day and that saddens me in some regards. But I also draw a little strength too because I look at how far we have come in our situation. I can't even count the number of times I have wanted to throw in the towel, scream at her, inflict similar pain on her, or just belittle her. I can't recall the number of times I have felt bursts of excitement either. It's just been a long journey so far and there's a good bit still to traverse.

Well tonight a few things to journal about. First the new Harry Potter book came out today and my wife had ordered two copies, one for her and one for D10. She sent me a text to let me know she had the book for D10 and we could pick it up any time. We did swing by this afternoon and while there a few thing happened. First she invited me to dinner with them tomorrow after I drop the girls off. Second she asked about my motivation for wanting the house sold so quickly. This lead into a discussion about my motivations, her thought I was trying to keep up the high lifestyle because I wanted the money and a discussion about wants, needs and desires. I kept thinking she really doesn't want to sell because it's our family home and she deep down inside wants her family in the home. I also got from her continual twists back to my desire to "take care of the family" that she may want to quit her job in the next year or so. All in all it was a strange discussion of which I haven't gotten my head around yet. As for my motivation about the house, I don't have a place to call home right now and have limited money along with no job currently. So I sure could benefit from the chunk of change.

Well later in the afternoon I discovered tonight downtown was a big festival with several 80s bands playing. I sent her and IM about it and asked if she would like to go with the girls and me. She immediately replied yes. So I arranged to pick up dinner at our favorite pizza parlor, we then ate at home and off we went. Unfortunately our two girls complained the whole time and we ended up bagging it after about an hour. We never got to see the concerts or the fireworks. But I told her no matter, the company was good and I enjoyed it and appreciated her taking the time to join us even though she wanted to read the new Harry Potter book. (Side note, she frowned most of the time but as the evening wore on she'd look at me and smile slightly.)

I dropped her off at home and as we were leaving I told her, no you don't need to sell the house right away, the spring is fine with me, I have a good roof over my head right now. This seemed to lift a big concern from her. I hugged her and actually kissed her forehead.(another side note, she now giving full two armed tight hugs) We then briefly talked about my job search and my focus with it. I'm trying to find a job with the state because it's much more stable. She seemed to respond to that as well because it signals my desire to have stability so I can take care of the family. (Sorry but working exclusively with high tech start ups is a dicey game and layoffs are common. I'm ready to have a bit more stability.)

Well D10 pulled me aside after we had been at my place for about an hour and said "Daddy it really seems like you and Mommy want to be together again." So I pulled her aside so D9 couldn't hear us talking and asked her why she felt that way. She said because I have said I want us to be together again and because how we act around each other now. I asked her "well what makes you think Mommy wants that?" She said I can't say but I get the feeling she does. (Man I hope the women's intuition is right on this!)

D10 and I talked a bit more and the separation is taking it's toll on her but she's keeping up with a stiff upper lip. She isn't going to let it defeat her or at least let anyone think it has.

Whether or not the ice is thawing and something truly positive can happen that I wish for us all, I can't say but it is nice to get positive feelings at least sometimes and to be able to go to bed with a smile on my face.

[mkultra]

Good news. The affection sounds good. The hope is bittersweet isn't it? You want your kids to be happy and you can see a happy future if the family stays intact. Ice does need to melt. Good luck with the job. A change like that may be the stability that sends her the right message of trust and a future. I would be over the moon if my H found a stable job with the state and worked towards being back with our kids. Keep it up.

[catfan]

Not sure how to read this evening so I am going to try to not read much into it.

I took the girls over at 6 which is our handoff time. Tough since I won't see them for the next two weeks except for an occasional moment here and there. On Saturday my wife had invited me to dinner tonight, which I gladly accepted. We had a good but typical family dinner. After dinner we got the girls in the bath and finally to bed. She invited me to stay to watch a movie she had rented, "if I wanted to". She's said that with ever invitation, like I'd decline. So the movie was Miss Potter with Renee Zellweger. It was the true story of Beatrix Potter. Kind of sad and happy at the same time. She was a single 32 year old society woman at the turn of the century in London. She fell in love with her publisher and her parents forced a summer long separation in an effort to break things up. He ends up dying that summer. In the end she ends up marrying another man some eight years later. It was a really good movie and a nice heartwarming story. So if you can, rent it.

When I went to leave she was a bit more distant and didn't give that big hug that she's been giving lately. Ah the pullback. But I saw it, I saw it in her eyes or at least I believe it. She's put the guard up a bit even with her saying she enjoyed the evening and company. She's thinking, she's processing.

As I drove off she was standing in the kitchen waiting to turn off the outside lights. She stood by the windows and waved. Yes to me this is important because we have always stood by these floor to ceiling windows and waved to one another. But when she was most distant she would just cut the lights out not wait for me to even get in the car and walk away.

I can't get excited about any of this but it does feel like a good baby step forward. Now if we can only knock out about a 1000 more and get to that wonderful place together.

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey CF, its been a while, just wanted to say I'm glad you're still hanging in there. Sounds like you've managed to make some good progress too. Yes, be cautiously happy...so far everything says she's turning around.

Do you think she put her guard up after the movie or was it even before that? The reason I ask is that while I always thought that watching a movie like that would make my STBXW softer (because that's what happens to me) it mostly had the opposite affect.

[catfan]

Oh I'm sure the movie itself and emotions it conveyed had a bit to do with her attitude and actions at the end of the night. She really wasn't showing any signs of putting her guard back up before that.

I was also looking for a bit of pullback from her anyway. We all know it's two steps forward, one step back. It didn't help that I stupidly told her "I look forward to many more nights like this. I know it'll take a while but I believe in you and us." I said that and immediately wanted to take it back. All that did was apply pressure.

No matter we all backslide bits here and there. I need to work on the "microslides" as I call them and little comments when you are doing so well at DBing are microslides.

Now I am somewhat concerned about a full backing away from her too. I say that because I've had the girls this past week and she hadn't really spent more than a day or so with D10 since the end of June because she's been a camps. My wife gets a bit lonely when she doesn't have the girls and typically shows more forward movement during these times. A couple of evenings this week we did talk rather late in the evening and I could tell she was lonely. Loneliness seems to get her guard down a bit and honestly I'd love to force more of it on her.

But alas she has the girls for the next two weeks which means she'll have a lot of time to build up "strength" as I think she sees it. But after that she's out of the country on business for two weeks. Maybe that'll cancel out any strength or resolve she builds up.

[JMC]

Congrats on the baby step Catfan. I see that you have been separated since the fall of 06, or three months more than me. That gives me hope. I want to stick it out as, like you, I believe we will survive, but then again there are days where I have a difficult time having hope. Seeing your thread gives me more hope. Good luck.

[Keep Breathing]

CF, your situation sounds a bit like mine. My W and I still live together, although in separate parts of the house. I don't have all of your history, but I assume she wanted the S? If so, why didn't you stay and ask her to move out? Is it better to stay in the same house or do you think she being by herself causes the loneliness that might spark a change in her?

[catfan]

Yes she wanted the separation and my wife is basically a walk away wife. I moved out because of a couple of reasons, first I had a place to go, my parents, second I felt like it would signal that I was looking to give her what she wanted, space and time. It has helped in that regard but it's been difficult for me because it meant leaving the three people that mean the most to me, my wife and our two girls.

My wife hasn't spent much time alone because she's had the girls with her. However when she's had significant time alone I do see a lot more forward progress on her part.

[Dom R]

hey, that sounds like a great couple of nights. hang in there CF!

you're so lucky that your wife misses your company, and actually invites you for stuff!
(mine lives with her parents now, and virtually never invites me to anything. )

I think if you keep it "no pressure",and keep letting her do the moving.. things are looking positive for you

[catfan]

So this morning I had to take D10 to her counselor. The counselor wanted to talk with me first for an update. Man I really wish we both had been there. So I told her about all the happenings since Mother's Day and how my wife had slowly changed from "want to be friends again" to "I'm open to reconciliation". She thought that was a little encouraging. She asked if we had started counseling together yet and I had to say no because my wife isn't willing yet. But at my request she gave me the names of people she thinks highly of that are solution based. She thinks we need to get to counseling and eluded to feeling it's all solvable. I told her we wished she did marital counseling and she told me she did for a very long time as a primary specialty but finally decided to focus on kids. So if she's got a lot of experience, is saying we need to be in counseling and she thinks we can solve this and reconcile then I feel a good bit better. I've now had two counselors that have met us both say the same thing. I just need to really work on me and controlling my emotions.