Does anyone ever feel like telling their S - ILYBNILWY? I've really been feeling that way for the past week or so...
Of course you are not "in love" with him. You probably hate his guts by this point. The reason you are sticking with him is because you still love him, to some extent, and want to honor your marriage vows. You also have hope that "in love-ness" can be re-kindled for both of you. This doesn't mean you can't fall in love with him again. This is normal. Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. You don't need to pretend your madly in love with a man who is disrespecting you and sleeping with another woman.
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Why do I even want a M with an adulterer who thinks it's their right to continue an affair in order to maintain personal happiness?
That's the million dollar question many of us keep asking ourselves.
You don't want a marriage with an unrepentant adulterer. That is, you don't want to be married with who your husband is right now. That's key for you to understand and embrace. Not only do you need to change, but, more importantly he needs to change. Remember, feeling it's wrong is a necessary step, however, unless he moves towards feeling deep remorse and STOPS being an adulterer, he really hasn't changed. There's a differece between confession and repentance. Confession is admitting you are wrong, repentance is to change your direction. You see, HE needs to do the true 180.
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My sadness feels more about lost hopes and dreams than losing him.
Yes..now it's more a case of feeling sorry fo yourself than actually missing him. The love songs you hear and make you cry are not so much about losing him, it's about lamenting what you never had, and perhaps won't have with him.
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Right now, his attitude is that he would have another affair if he felt he wasn't getting what he needs at home. This from a guy who has gone through how many months of therapy! I don't feel that he will ever respect me enough not to cheat.
Yes..that's what unrepentant means: unwilling to change. He's stated clearly that he'll look elsewhere for what he feels is missing.
Ok..so you really see that's it's a situation where there's lack of respect.
He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.
How do you gain self-respect?
1. Self-care. Take care of yourself. You can't respect someone you aren't willing to take care of. 2. Get a life. This has been clinically proven to help with #3. 3. Find yourself. Know who you are, what you want, and state that LOUDLY. Make demands. Ask for what YOU want. And once you know who you are, you will not so easily allow people to trample you. 4. Take on challenging tasks, so that when you succeed at them, YOU will be convinced that "you've got game." And once you really realize "you've got game" then your self-respect will emerge automatically. 4. Set boundaries. Enforce them.
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With that said, maybe I don't need a six-month plan. Maybe I just skip ahead to D.
If that's what you want, then do it. But you don't have to do it now. Hun, you can always divorce him. That's part of your power. Remember he's doesn't have to balls to divorce you. You, on the other hand, do have the courage to divorce him. On the other hand, I think you will be happier with yourself if you at least tried going dark and setting some boundaries, with an eventual ultimatum. Perhaps shorten it to a three month plan. Maybe shorten it to a 3 month plan. You might have a little fun with it. Won't it be fun to watch him squirm? Then perhaps, delightful to watch him change? Look, sweetie, if you're ready to divorce him, then I think you are ready to play hard-ball without fear. Remember: What's he going to do?
Olive, am I seeing you become less fearful? WOW!!!!!!
You're so pissed, your READY to set boundaries. This anger and disdain is a gift to you. It's allowing you to say, "no".
And don't be fearful that you are "losing" your love for him. Love it tough. If you are destined to remain together, he'll change and you'll both fall back in love. Right now, being "in love" is a hinderance to your setting boundaries. You need to be cruel to be kind.
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So, what do you say to your S when they come home from a weekend sex-fest with op?
Simple.
You either say nothing and let it go, and proceed with your 3 or 6 month plan.
Or you ask him if he saw her and slept with her. He may say yes. You then say, "Oh, OK." Then you proceed with 3 or 6 month plan.
He may say no, and you either choose to believe him or not, and then you proceed with 3 or 6 month plan.
It doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. Your actions don't change.
