I have been thru a lot lately and have been far too busy to post. I have really been working hard on my M again and my R with my H has been improving so so much. My H still drinks more than he should but I can not control that as much as I would love to change it he needs to change that for himself. I tell how I feel so much more now and he does actually listen and he has been trying harder to "adjust" and take my thoughts and feeling into consideration. He has honestly never been like this before with me,, and I notice that if I state how I feel in a non accusatory way and let him no where I stand he really tries to accommodate me in a genuine way. He says ILY to me very frequently now and he shows me who he is more and we actually talk a lot more now. He is more open with me and he is really trying hard to stay here and not travel away to work anymore. All on his own. I have put worrying about my weight on hold though once again ,, it is as if I am trying to just make sure this is real and nothing else matters. I have lost a few pounds since he Has been home and yet I do not fuss about it and have just been putting foods in my body that will nourish me not hurt me or make me feel bad.... too much sugar or dairy and I feel yucky.

I also noticed that the more I let go and just be the more he comes closer to me. I have really worked hard on the controlling every outcome thing that I do seem to have. Like last nite he went out and he got home very late. I was asleep and he did not wake me like he used to he just laid by me and this am instead of being upset and "controlling" everything... I got ready .. put on this fabulous Teal dress that I have and told the kids to get ready and we were going for breakfast. I would have normally sat around waiting for him to get up and then have a talk about his bad behavior. ETC, ETC , ETC!

Nope~
I tapped his foot and said we'll be back later and he drowsily asked "where are you going?" and I said "to breakfast OK.~" ( extreme 180 for me )
He said " ok"

He called @ 10 minutes later and told me he loved me and to take care. I was shocked to say the least.
( are you kidding me that was awesome... even just a month ago he would have been pouting cause I left~ AWSEOME he is growing up after all and letting go)

Progress and it feels so awesome... I am very proud of all my hard work.
So much has transpired and what I can say is that when you really and truly work hard on yourself and let go of all these preconceived notions of how my life is supposed to be X, y or z it gets so much better and when you really focus on changing you first and foremost it just makes you strong and everything that happens you seem to look for the silver lining cause you feel like you deserve so much more and want to achieve it all by yourself. I know this will get better and I will succeed. I am so proud of this New Me that seems to get stronger everyday. And hey if I am still a little chubby too damn bad. I am a strong Woman who wont take sh*t anymore and does it in way that God would love and be proud of. No more turning my cheek constantly that was getting old. My Life is too short to waste on what could be.

I watched the movie Premonition the other day and when it was over I had this enormous lump in my throat. I understood for some reason while still watching it the enormous amount of pain I put him thru and the desperation he must have felt to have to allow himself to believe he needed to "fix" it with her. Not justifying it just understood it more, this has been one crazy ride. and in a week it will soon be the year ANNIVESARY of our Reconciliation. OUT OF SOMETHING SO UGLY AND GROTESQUE ( sp?) has emerged a Relationship I only used to dream of and a Me that Is so good. ~WOW
All thanks to my H saying to himself "HEY I WILL GIVE THIS ANOTHER TRY`"

AND ME?

WORKING MY A** OFF.... ;\) Phweeew... Sheesh it has been a long road and I see now that I will never reach the end.
I need to keep working on this ,,,,
and yet not walking on egshells sure makes the "walking" down the road so much easier and when your partner is walking down it with you holding your hand right next to you...
not in front leading or begrudginly trailing behind but right next to you. Praise God! Miracles do happen with a lot of sweat and tears and getting back up even though it seems like you will just fall flat on your face once again. Get up brush off your knees and start over! I have my H back and the best part is I have ME back and he has the Wife he was waiting so long for. For so long I was afraid to be vibrant and alive ....be me..... for GOds sake and now that I am .......MY M has truly been restored.

P.S.

( the puppy is awesome , the kids love him too... having trouble with my teenager and yet I know it will all be ok. I CAN do this.) ... thank you all so much for your support.
~Ali
God bless...