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[BeingMe]

Thanks Wii, for your thoughts! I do value your advice.

I just dropped H off to catch his plane to Milwaukee! He may be gone for two weeks, as he has a job interview in NCarolina on Friday (just a possibility at the moment). It's his birthday tomorrow, so I made a special lunch for him today, and our family's favourite dessert ... trifle. I bought him a cool, new watch (the make is Guess, which I have never heard of, but it was pretty expensive). He seemed to like it.

I did get to talk to him this weekend. I told him how I feel, and that I am very close to separating. I am not sure how much sunk in (he just listened and said nothing, as usual), but he was busy this afternoon, after church, preparing a Will (which I have asked him to do for ages now - years, in fact - since I am on my own here, and have my D14 to think of, and he is travelling, and I have no clue what I would do if anything happened to him). It all comes down to feeling prepared, and safe, and the Will was just a very small part of what I said to him, but that seemed to be what stuck out the most (or, maybe the one thing that would be easiest for him to deal with, but I will try not to make any assumptions).

I also expressed how lonely I am during the week with him gone (he sighed, and walked off when I told him this, and that really pi$$ed me off because I am not a whiner or a complainer, and it takes a lot for me to admit that I am lonely, and I just felt like he just doesn't want to know). I don't know anyone very well here in our new city. Everyone I meet seems to have enough friends, and/or a busy life. So, I potter around the house, spend time with the kids, and sit on the computer. Usually, I am fine by myself, but lately I have really been feeling the lack of adult company. And, when I think of what I would do if my H were in an accident (or worse) in the USA, then I realise how much I truly am on my own, and I am the one my D14 will need to be strong. Of course, I am trying really hard not to borrow trouble, and I don't anticipate my H having an accident, but life can send some serious curve balls. Which is why I need for him to let me know about our finances, what insurance do we have, is the house insured, how to get hold of his employers, etc. So many questions, and he just doesn't get that I need to know. Ugh!

I also talked to him about intimacy, and our lack thereof. I expressed to him that I need him to be open about talking/discussing intimate issues like our s*x life ( ) without him getting embarrassed or offended. I am also tired of him always seeing R discussions (or any other, like our finances) as confrontational. To me, when he does not engage, then I think he just doesn't care, and that leaves me feeling I cannot trust him. I told him, again, that I felt like I was just in the way.

I asked him to realise (or try, at least) that I am moving away, emotionally, and it's up to him to do something, if he wants, to get me to come closer, because I no longer have the will, patience, or interest to pursue our R anymore. IOW, let me go if he doesn't feel he has it in him to work on our M, or I will leave anyway, after a certain amount of time (and that is very near).

So! We will see how things go. I am not a gambler, so will not even try and predict what he's going to do. But, I can tell ya, that I am seeing the single life as being very attractive right now. I am done talking to him now, and I will no longer explain myself to him. When I am ready to walk, then I will just walk ... no more discussions. This is his last chance to do something.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.