One link at a time

[whatisis]

Yes, our kids are our blessings, no matter what. I know myself when I tuck the kids into bed, I sometimes look at them and think "there really must be a God, such gems could not be created by accident"! I hope you're feeling a little happier tonight, Being Me!

[BeingMe]

I think I have figured what I want from my H, ultimately .... I can't forget the things he said about me to the OW (especially the one about pushing me aside if she had been at our wedding, and would've married her - note, he went to high school with her), until he has made the effort to make new, better memories that I can replace those awful things with. He has failed to do so, miserably.

Does that make sense? Perhaps I am expecting too much. I did ask to have another wedding (a renewal of our vows), but no go (and, Phoenix, you will probably understand why the church refused that request, preferring us to be sealed in the T, but I am not ready for that). It would've been great if we could've done that (as I wanted) before we moved here to the new city. He knew what I wanted, but he was so gung-ho, getting everything done to sell the house and move us out. I still wonder if it was to be nearer OW.

Oh well! I told him tonight that I am no longer going to waste my time trying to explain to him what my needs and expectations are. I think he knows (I have certainly told him enough times), but chooses to ignore. So, I think in time, it's going to be me moving on. Just got to get through my D20 giving birth in September, and then I will start sorting out the separation. Unless, something drastic happens, and my H has a huge epiphany, then I feel I am just wasting my time. If I can't even speak to my H about our sex life, for pete's sake, and other personal and private things, then what is the point in our being married?

I honestly don't think I really love him anymore. I sure don't trust him ... he has taken my love for granted, and devalues my feelings by ignoring them. I don't think I can piece for much longer.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling today. Maybe, tomorrow will bring more positive vibes my way, and who knows if he is capable of pulling some rabbit out of a hat. I have very little confidence that he will or could or wants to, but he has a little bit of time left, so we'll see. I am sad that my D14's going to be so disappointed. That breaks my heart the most.

[BeingMe]

Yay, my D14 is home! I missed her so much!

[whatisis]

Being Me, so sorry you are feeling like this but it is something you will have to sort through. Have you told him of your desire to separate? If not, you may want to be very direct and tell him that if things do not change, in regards to your needs being met, you plan to separate in X amount of time. Let him know what he has to do. Then give him time to do it! BUT don't use separation as a weapon or tactic, only tell him if you really are ready to separate. Remember too , not to make this decision based on your feelings of today alone, really be sure this is what will be best for your life. I know I don't need to say that but I am anyway. It's too important a decision.
I'm thinking of you tonight. You've been a great help to me, I hope I can return the favour.

[BeingMe]

Thanks Wii, for your thoughts! I do value your advice.

I just dropped H off to catch his plane to Milwaukee! He may be gone for two weeks, as he has a job interview in NCarolina on Friday (just a possibility at the moment). It's his birthday tomorrow, so I made a special lunch for him today, and our family's favourite dessert ... trifle. I bought him a cool, new watch (the make is Guess, which I have never heard of, but it was pretty expensive). He seemed to like it.

I did get to talk to him this weekend. I told him how I feel, and that I am very close to separating. I am not sure how much sunk in (he just listened and said nothing, as usual), but he was busy this afternoon, after church, preparing a Will (which I have asked him to do for ages now - years, in fact - since I am on my own here, and have my D14 to think of, and he is travelling, and I have no clue what I would do if anything happened to him). It all comes down to feeling prepared, and safe, and the Will was just a very small part of what I said to him, but that seemed to be what stuck out the most (or, maybe the one thing that would be easiest for him to deal with, but I will try not to make any assumptions).

I also expressed how lonely I am during the week with him gone (he sighed, and walked off when I told him this, and that really pi$$ed me off because I am not a whiner or a complainer, and it takes a lot for me to admit that I am lonely, and I just felt like he just doesn't want to know). I don't know anyone very well here in our new city. Everyone I meet seems to have enough friends, and/or a busy life. So, I potter around the house, spend time with the kids, and sit on the computer. Usually, I am fine by myself, but lately I have really been feeling the lack of adult company. And, when I think of what I would do if my H were in an accident (or worse) in the USA, then I realise how much I truly am on my own, and I am the one my D14 will need to be strong. Of course, I am trying really hard not to borrow trouble, and I don't anticipate my H having an accident, but life can send some serious curve balls. Which is why I need for him to let me know about our finances, what insurance do we have, is the house insured, how to get hold of his employers, etc. So many questions, and he just doesn't get that I need to know. Ugh!

I also talked to him about intimacy, and our lack thereof. I expressed to him that I need him to be open about talking/discussing intimate issues like our s*x life ( ) without him getting embarrassed or offended. I am also tired of him always seeing R discussions (or any other, like our finances) as confrontational. To me, when he does not engage, then I think he just doesn't care, and that leaves me feeling I cannot trust him. I told him, again, that I felt like I was just in the way.

I asked him to realise (or try, at least) that I am moving away, emotionally, and it's up to him to do something, if he wants, to get me to come closer, because I no longer have the will, patience, or interest to pursue our R anymore. IOW, let me go if he doesn't feel he has it in him to work on our M, or I will leave anyway, after a certain amount of time (and that is very near).

So! We will see how things go. I am not a gambler, so will not even try and predict what he's going to do. But, I can tell ya, that I am seeing the single life as being very attractive right now. I am done talking to him now, and I will no longer explain myself to him. When I am ready to walk, then I will just walk ... no more discussions. This is his last chance to do something.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

[BeingMe]

Oh, I forgot to mention that I did tell him how much I appreciate how hard he works, and financially takes care of his family. However, there is more to life then work, and we still have so much to work on in our M, and he is just brushing it off, and hoping it will all just fall into place ... magically!?

My head hurts! I think I'm going to lie down. Couldn't sleep last night. I wish one of my best friends were here to talk to and just bounce ideas around. But, they're all so far away.

Okay, okay, pity party over. Must square the ol' shoulders and just get on with it.

[BeingMe]

Not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I sent this email to my H tonight. I just feel that he is in a place now, where he will not be able to respond to how I am feeling, or any other R discussions. He sounded so depressed and sad when I talked to him on the phone while he was waiting at the airport. I hadn't meant to continue talking to him about how I'm feeling. When I put the phone down, I started thinking about what I can do, and how I can move on past this. Anyway, read the email and tell me what y'all think (in it, you will read what I am going to try and do, and just hope it works):

Hi, my love. I thought I would send this email with some of the thoughts I had tonight after speaking to you. Hopefully, I can sleep now, after sending this to you.

I don't know where we went wrong .... what corner we turned that led us to this place in time, and to this point in our marriage. I do know that I am grateful for so much, and have never regretted marrying you, and spending the last 22 years with you. There have been lots of times when I have felt so much pain and hurt, that it clouded my vision of the good times (and I am truly sorry I allowed myself to do that), and the great things that we had. And there were many, many wonderful times. Wealth and prestige, and even job satisfaction (in my opinion) isn't everything. We have the most awesome children, that we brought into this world, and who shared this life's journey with us. They are our greatest successes. To now fall down, and fail ourselves will be the worst thing we can do to them. They may be growing and some grown, but they still need us ... as examples, if nothing else. I am also grateful that we have been able to move to Canada (all thanks to you and your career decisions), that we have always had nice homes to live in, transportation to get where we needed to get, clothes on our backs, food on our table, friends and even family that cared about us (one way or another). I am grateful for all the adventures we have had, the places we've seen, and I am even grateful for the bad times, because it showed me we can grow and learn, and not to get too prideful.

I have been on such a weird journey of self discovery in the last few years (started even before the whole debacle in 2004/05), as I think I have mentioned to you, probably many times. I decided a while back, that I will not allow anything or anyone define who I am, how I will feel, and more importantly, what my attitude will be. I will define myself. I have really tried to stick to that, and believe me, I have fallen down many times, but each time I chose to stand up, and continue to try and grow and learn from past experiences, good and bad ... I still have a long way to go. My first obstacle was my temper and that is still a demon I fight all the time, but it is a lot weaker. I will probably always have that part of me, and maybe I need it because it shows I have a certain amount of passion. Or not, who knows! 'Eh!

I hope that you will see that nothing truly defines you, except you. Your job doesn't make you who you are, neither do we (your family), or friends, or your hobbies. It's what you choose inside to be that will define the man you are. I know that deep inside, you know who you are ... a good man, someone with strength (and I always relied on that strength, perhaps unfairly), intelligent, trustworthy, hard working, dependable, a positive attitude, spiritual, and courageous. Somewhere along the line, you lost sight of that, and I wish that man will come back, but that is your choice to make. I feel so awful for you, that you are in such a place of feeling like you are a failure, and feeling less useful to the children. I can tell you that you are not a failure and that we all still need you so much, until I am blue in the face, but it will do no good until you feel and know that for yourself. Yes, you have made mistakes (haven't we all), but you have also made many good decisions. Not everything is going to work. But, I also know how frustrated you are now with all that's been happening with this new job, so I do empathize, and understand that these things are depressing.

Life is what it is, and all we poor humans can do is find the humour in it, and the joys that may come our way, and treasure them. We can choose to withdraw into ourselves and not interact with the ones we love, or we can take a chance and truly put our emotions and feelings on the line, and trust that no matter what, all will work out for the best for those who believe it possible. But, we have to be ready within ourselves to do that. I have so much to learn, and a long way to go. I have been down in the dumps in the last couple of weeks because I genuinely miss you, and I am sorry that I have allowed myself to get so stressed about it. I have missed you for such a long time, though, that I guess I get impatient (another demon I am trying to vanquish). I guess I just want the whole romantic thing, making love, loving each other, having fun, and being able to talk to each other about everything to happen now, but I can't force it, and I have to keep remembering that there is a season for everything. I am thankful that we still do have fun, and chat, and do stuff together, and I hope the rest will follow one day.

So, I am sure you are wondering what the point of this email is ... well, I have decided that I will try and give you the space to work on sorting out your job situation, and anything else you want to figure out in your life. I will step back, and let you be with regards to my silly feelings and emotions. I still expect to be involved in our financial affairs, and any other decisions, but I will really try not to engage you in anymore relationship discussions. Let's just try and enjoy each other, as best we can, and please continue to talk to me about things that concern you, like your job. I am no prophet, so don't know if we will end up still married down the line (I sure hope we end up two old reprobates irritating our kids on how it was in our day, celebrating some golden anniversary or another, and just pleased to be with each other to the end - still a long time before all that, but one can imagine), but whatever happens, I will always love you, and wish you happiness. I certainly don't want to be the one adding to your stress, or sadness, hence my decision. I will just try and get on with my life and continue trying to learn some new life lessons. I really want to have a creative career, as you know, where I can allow that part of me have a way of expressing itself, and if it actually makes money, then so much the better. So, for now, I will concentrate on that, and try and have fun and laughs along the way. I am just trying to believe that we must be here, in this particular place, for a reason, that we just can't see right now, but that will become clear as time goes by.

So! After all that, I sure do hope you have a fairly decent birthday. I know you're probably extremely tired, so get to bed as early as possible tonight.

Love you, Debbie

PS Here are a couple of quotes that I think about, and sometimes ponder - maybe they will 'speak' to you in some way:

"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." William James (1842 - 1910)

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)

[BeingMe]

Sometimes, I think I'm going quite nuts! My emotions have been all over the place, and I guess it's because I didn't truly realise how difficult his being away would be.

All I can do is continue trying to work on this, and see where it all goes.

[Aud31]

((hugs))

I think you've made your position very clear, and I truly hope your H has the change of heart you both need. I wish I had wise advice for you, but I know you are trying to do the right thing with everything you've got, and I know as long as you continue to do that you will be okay.

[Phoenix_spark]

Maybe I missed it here, how did H respond to R talk, especially where you laid it out for him. I got that he worked on will, but aside from that, what was the gist of what he said? May I say I was impressed you were able to lay things out for him, there might be a time where I get to that point. Who knows, maybe I should have done it a long time ago. Right now I think W is looking for any easy way out. I've got a lot to say, I might send under the radar. Keep your eyes open.