Matilda: Yeah, I bet the wedding ceremony was hard. I don't think I could go through one right now. Glad to hear you had a good time at the reception.
Encouraging the daughter to open up to you is not prying. Tell her you are concerned, and if she wants to talk (about ANYTHING) you are available with a loving heart. Tell her you won't blame her or get upset at her for what she has to say.
Encouraging the daughter to open up to you is not prying.
But I REALLY want to pry!!!!!!!
The reason? I think H is being untruthful about FF from last fall. It shouldn't make a difference now that he wants a divorce......but it DOES make a difference to me!!He tried to make me feel like I was a jealous fool. I'm a fool alright.....just my feelings of jealousy were valid!
I know he signed up for a dating service last month. I know he corresponded and probably went out with some. That doesn't bother me as much as the idea that he is having an affair with this FF.
One reason it makes a difference is if he's not telling me the truth about her then how can I trust him that he'll help D16 out with college (but doesn't want it to be court ordered)? With his first affair (at least the first that I knew of)he told me everything from day one (or at least I think so). That was difficult, but at least we had heartfelt conversations about it.
Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to change our verbal agreement re. the financial settlement. I think I'm "giving in" because he's playing on the value of our friendship.
This has been a moody day!!! Must have been those wedding vows I heard yesterday!
You do not need to know details about any affair at any time. You should not let that affect your settlement in any way. Don't let him off easy hoping to preserve some "friendship" and don't try to punish him for his behavior.
This is a financial arrangement. It needs to be equitable, a reasonable situation for both parties. If you can stay in the house until D16 graduates, that's good. By the time you guys finally get things rolling, it won't be for much more than a year after D is final.
Don't worry about changing your "verbal agreement." Everyone knows that a verbal agreement isn't worth the paper its written on. In this case he pressured you to accept what he thought was reasonable, having never laid out what all the assets and liabilities are. I'll bet you that there is stuff he has--an extra account, some stocks, something--that you still don't know about and won't know unless your lawyer files for discovery.
However, the hard part was listening to the vows during the ceremony!!!!
Matida,
Im'e with you there!
I went to my niece's wedding a couple weeks ago and the priest talked about fidelity and making a marriage work. H wasn't at the wedding. He only came for the reception as he was working. I sure wish he was there maybe he would have got an education.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Had a rough evening.....very frustrated after a call from my H asking about the lawyer and why she needs more papers after we've already reached an agreement, etc, etc, .....Although he didn't come out and say it I feel he wants to rush through this. When I mentioned we had only been separated 3 months and it takes the min. of 6 moths he replied that we could put down any date we want. (And he wants me to trust him?!?)
I am still having trouble making emotion-less financial decisions!!! Wish I had never talked to H about any of this!!!!(although I know it's the best way and least expensive way instead of having lawyers fight it out). Did tell H tonight that I had to protect D16 now and some things I just couldn't leave to chance. He said kind things, but it makes me just want to throw up because I don't believe him anymore. Isn't that sad???
That bad taste in your mouth is what's going to keep you out of bankruptcy. Trust it. Listen to your lawyer. Don't believe your H when it comes to money.
Work is busy....big event tomorrow. Got home late and missed yoga. I really needed yoga! Then found out D16 had new BF over. I had said he could come over AFTER I got home... Since I didn't go to yoga I got home earlier. Both lied which made things worse. Now I can't believe H OR D! How sad is that?!?!
Hey Matilda: It's reasonable to expect the 16-year-old to lie!! I'm not saying it's OK... but when she does it should not be a surprise. THIS is not sad. Heck, when I was 16, I went out of my way to lie to my parents...
On the other hand... my wife lies to me almost every day. This is NOT acceptable. Habitual lying to a spouse is pathological and unacceptable.
Please, for your own sake (and the sake of D16), please do not equivocate the two... If you do, it will drive you crazy...
