That's the crazy thing. H sees it as wrong, says he feels guilty about it and yet is convinced that given the same circumstances and feelings about our M, he'd do it again. Maybe just fear of his own weakness and wanting to prevent it in the future by not ever being in that same situation?? I guess I'm just trying so hard to understand the justification process and what's going on in his brain.
Dealing with my own fear that maybe I just would never be able to get over this whole thing and forgive him. So, what's the point? I think the longer it goes on, the farther away I move. Probably just the "feeling of the day"..
Olive, Actually the way you put is IS more like my W feelings, the one thing she said in our one and only counseling session was. "It really muddied the water" (At least she see's it as dirty)
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
The weeken-dsex fest thing yeah I get you feel. Except when I found out months after my H's supposedly "business trip" (when he was still at home) to all palces to the islands! They eevn went swiming w/ sting rays,but before I found out she went w/ him I snooped inhis digital camera (no pics of her or him/her) & I thought H looked kinda weird? in one picture like he was faking a smile??? Weird. This was planed long before by OW & she paid for it all...it must be nice to have $..my H is a broke ass..antoher reason he is living the life ...but it now seems to be getting boooooring for him..oh well..
I also get what u mean the ILYBNILWY, now its me who kinda doesn't want him to move abck in. I am getting use to this single life w/out having to walk on egg shells.
LO, you should try it!! At first I kinda felt guilty to have the weekends all to myself, but I have gotten my sanity back & GAL has helped.
H sees it as wrong, says he feels guilty about it and yet is convinced that given the same circumstances and feelings about our M, he'd do it again. Maybe just fear of his own weakness and wanting to prevent it in the future by not ever being in that same situation??
Once again, my H said the same thing...but he hasn't taken any time to figure out why it happened...so I wonder the same thing...how can you believe that they won't cheat on you again when they don't even know why they did it the first time. I really believe with my H...he ran into a conniving, manipulative woman and fell into her trap and that is why he ran away from his life with me. But with his personality and obvious weakness towards women...I believe he would have cheated on me multiple times during our marriage and I wouldn't ever have found out, but this OW made him crazy...hard not to notice. The bad thing is...we are all going to continue carrying around the fear of another man doing this to us for the rest of my life.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
An important point you need to realize is that a person’s actions are a reflection of their perception of an issue. No matter what a person’s reaction, there is a reason for why they act a certain way. You may not know or understand someone’s reasons for why they act the way they do, but you can guarantee that they will have their reasons. An example would be if your partner gets angry and slams a door. You may not know or understand why they are so angry, but their anger is a valid feeling to them, and there will be a reason that they have become so angry. It may be something obvious like you calling them stupid, or it may be something less obvious like a repressed memory from their childhood. Either way the way someone acts is directly related to their perception and reasoning behind an issue. You may not always understand the action, but if you are able to understand the reasoning behind the action you are one step closer to considering your partner’s feelings and taking this into account in conflicts. Your partner’s actions may sometimes hurt you, but if you try and understand the reasoning behind it you may realize that their actions may be more about self defense rather than a personal attack on you.You know how you feel about things and the reasoning that goes behind it, and if you are able to apply the same theory to other people you are going to be able to diffuse and heal conflict situations much faster and more effectively than you could imagine. Remember, it is not just about your feelings. Your partner has feelings too and they are just as valid. Recognizing the validity of both your feelings is the key to maintaining your marriage in crisis. Understanding others is a skill that is especially lacking in marriages in crisis. The person you love is the one person other than yourself that you should try to understand better. In the same way your actions are influenced by your thoughts, your partner acts according to their thoughts.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Does anyone ever feel like telling their S - ILYBNILWY? I've really been feeling that way for the past week or so...
Of course you are not "in love" with him. You probably hate his guts by this point. The reason you are sticking with him is because you still love him, to some extent, and want to honor your marriage vows. You also have hope that "in love-ness" can be re-kindled for both of you. This doesn't mean you can't fall in love with him again. This is normal. Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. You don't need to pretend your madly in love with a man who is disrespecting you and sleeping with another woman.
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Why do I even want a M with an adulterer who thinks it's their right to continue an affair in order to maintain personal happiness?
That's the million dollar question many of us keep asking ourselves.
You don't want a marriage with an unrepentant adulterer. That is, you don't want to be married with who your husband is right now. That's key for you to understand and embrace. Not only do you need to change, but, more importantly he needs to change. Remember, feeling it's wrong is a necessary step, however, unless he moves towards feeling deep remorse and STOPS being an adulterer, he really hasn't changed. There's a differece between confession and repentance. Confession is admitting you are wrong, repentance is to change your direction. You see, HE needs to do the true 180.
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My sadness feels more about lost hopes and dreams than losing him.
Yes..now it's more a case of feeling sorry fo yourself than actually missing him. The love songs you hear and make you cry are not so much about losing him, it's about lamenting what you never had, and perhaps won't have with him.
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Right now, his attitude is that he would have another affair if he felt he wasn't getting what he needs at home. This from a guy who has gone through how many months of therapy! I don't feel that he will ever respect me enough not to cheat.
Yes..that's what unrepentant means: unwilling to change. He's stated clearly that he'll look elsewhere for what he feels is missing.
Ok..so you really see that's it's a situation where there's lack of respect.
He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.
How do you gain self-respect?
1. Self-care. Take care of yourself. You can't respect someone you aren't willing to take care of. 2. Get a life. This has been clinically proven to help with #3. 3. Find yourself. Know who you are, what you want, and state that LOUDLY. Make demands. Ask for what YOU want. And once you know who you are, you will not so easily allow people to trample you. 4. Take on challenging tasks, so that when you succeed at them, YOU will be convinced that "you've got game." And once you really realize "you've got game" then your self-respect will emerge automatically. 4. Set boundaries. Enforce them.
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With that said, maybe I don't need a six-month plan. Maybe I just skip ahead to D.
If that's what you want, then do it. But you don't have to do it now. Hun, you can always divorce him. That's part of your power. Remember he's doesn't have to balls to divorce you. You, on the other hand, do have the courage to divorce him. On the other hand, I think you will be happier with yourself if you at least tried going dark and setting some boundaries, with an eventual ultimatum. Perhaps shorten it to a three month plan. Maybe shorten it to a 3 month plan. You might have a little fun with it. Won't it be fun to watch him squirm? Then perhaps, delightful to watch him change? Look, sweetie, if you're ready to divorce him, then I think you are ready to play hard-ball without fear. Remember: What's he going to do?
Olive, am I seeing you become less fearful? WOW!!!!!!
You're so pissed, your READY to set boundaries. This anger and disdain is a gift to you. It's allowing you to say, "no".
And don't be fearful that you are "losing" your love for him. Love it tough. If you are destined to remain together, he'll change and you'll both fall back in love. Right now, being "in love" is a hinderance to your setting boundaries. You need to be cruel to be kind.
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So, what do you say to your S when they come home from a weekend sex-fest with op?
Simple.
You either say nothing and let it go, and proceed with your 3 or 6 month plan.
Or you ask him if he saw her and slept with her. He may say yes. You then say, "Oh, OK." Then you proceed with 3 or 6 month plan.
He may say no, and you either choose to believe him or not, and then you proceed with 3 or 6 month plan.
It doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. Your actions don't change.
Not really certain what happened over the weekend w/ow and I'm not asking but I wasn't home when he got back. Had a nice evening as a family. I was in a pretty good mood since I had a good dose of sunshine yesterday while out GAL
Told him that I need him home and taking care of D one evening a week so I can go to yoga class. Got a bunch of new clothes yesterday. That was fun! Planning a long road trip to visit relatives this fall. I really think this is a HUGE surprise to H. He can't go anyway but I think he's in shock that I'm determined to go by myself. This is definately something I would have done before I met him...
Great Olive...you sound like you are doing better, keep GALing. Just keep remembering that you don't need him and that you don't want this guy. If you are going to reconcile with your H, you want a new, improved H that respects, loves, and cherishes you and only you. A guy that goes away with OW for the weekend, doesn't deserve this new, improved Olive.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
H sees it as wrong, says he feels guilty about it and yet is convinced that given the same circumstances and feelings about our M, he'd do it again. Maybe just fear of his own weakness and wanting to prevent it in the future by not ever being in that same situation??
My H said almost the exact same thing the first time he "came back home to me". He said he did not really regret what he had done since he was unhappy and this made him happy - she was a good friend. Looking back now he was not over her and I should have known better. Now he fully admits it was the biggest mistake of his life and he wishes it had never happened - he could not say that before.
I think your H needs to be with her full time - to see what his OW is really like. The sooner he comes to his senses the sooner you two can really work on your M.
It sounds like you are making some positives steps in taking care of yourself and that is great! Keep it up! It's not until I truly let my H go and he saw me moving on (and saw his OW's true nature) that he realized he was risking losing everything. I just had to be prepared to walk away for good and I was 90% there. If my H did not show some changes by the end of July I was going to start mediation proceedings. I had several houses lined up and was preapproved for a mortgage on my income alone. Mentally I was getting to the end point - it will come for you too.
YOU WILL BE FINE WITH or W/O your H - you are an awesome person who deserves so much more!! Have a great week!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
