I respect you and will respect your request. I have always felt very fortunate that you came into my life, and I will always feel that way. Please understand that I will always be there for you.
Thank you for being who you are and sharing that with me.
-- "my name"
She is hurt and perhaps after the d is final she will open up. I am and have been moving on with my life, but I really have so much guilt because of the way she feels. I see people married that do horrible things and are married still. I never did anything like that (e.g. drinking, abuse, drugs) I have a great job and always told her I love her before we went to bed or got off the phone. I guess it's time to see what happens. Wish me luck. God bless you all.
Take care and good luck, Chuck _________________________ Me: 38 W: 35 D: 15 D: 8 S: 6 D: 6 Together 12 years Married 9 Years Still thinking positive!!!!!!!
Most of these are the not the types of advice people used to give around here, must be the new crowd. We're all here because we all f'd up at one level or another so give the guy a break.
I've been going through this for over a year. My STBXW said similar or meaner things than this (again not an anomaly), she even filed and told me about it in a similar email. I didn't bother responding, I stopped pursuing, no chit-chat, no emails other than D related and its been 4 months and she hasn't moved forward. I was cordial but not overly friendly. Now I'm moving forward due to other developments. Point being, if you're truly sorry for your mistakes, you'll make yourself a better person whether she comes back to you or not. Chances are she fell in love with you for a reason and with the changes you'll make she could possibly be once again attracted to you. However, it may take a long time and in that time one thing you must do is stop pursuing her.
Come back post more, read even more, you're not alone!
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
As for your response to her email. I wouldn't have put this in there: "Please understand that I will always be there for you. Thank you for being who you are and sharing that with me. "
The first sentence was fine and sufficient. Its very important that you don't become a doormat. I made similar mistakes i.e. putting her on the pedestal. Women in general don't like that, they also like their men to have confidence. If you act timid or preachy she'll lose interest in you and look for a man that's confident and is sure of himself. That means be cordial, say that you understand her but say things with confidence, say less, become just slightly mysterious i.e. make her wonder what you meant when you said a three word sentence. Don't ask her for her opinion on anything unless kids related. Just do things as if you have to make a decision and she doesn't exist.
Remember, stay confident and last but not least don't share with her how you feel unless she shares with you how she feels. You can tell her once that you care about her and you want her back and you're willing to work on things but don't say it again and again...it has the opposite affect on them.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Hang in there Tally! You sound like you are looking in the mirroe and facing your demons. I hope that your W realizes that and allows you another chance.
God speed my friend and find happiness with or without her.
I've been going through a very similar situation w/my W. We are also similar in age to you and your W. My W has has a lot of personal issues she has been dealing with over the years, which have caused her to get very mean to me, especially when talking about any big decision together, i.e.: bills, insurance, where to move etc. We have a history of fighting very unfairly, and though we are both to blame, she has pinned all responsibility for our issues on me. She has even alerted friends and her family that I am abusive, though I have NEVER laid a hand on her nor made a physical threat to her nor any woman. She went through this same process with her EH, and coincidentally (?) told me the same things about him when we started seeing each other years ago. We have been separated for over a month now, and though we both share equally in our probs, no matter how much I have apologized, begged nor pleaded with her to reconsider, it only makes it worse. It's hard not to try to analyze everything she is feeling/thinking, especially since she never speaks to me anymore unless she wants something, and she is always guarded and defensive. She also has self confidence issues, and has always thought she would ruin me or that she would not be good for me, so any disagreement only justifies that in her. If I try to tell her she IS the one for me, and that we just need to work through things, she becomes defensive and throws out comments to try to gain my sympathy, which believe me she already has. I love her more than anything and yet, like your wife, she holds in so much anger that I fear she will never let it out so that we can make amends and move forward. The guilt I already feel is too painful to bare sometimes, yet she keeps it coming, no matter how I approach her. Recently, I have told her almost the same as you have told your W and from what people and the DB tells me, it is all you can do now until she comes to you on her own and opens up. Only you and your W know what really happened between you, and though she may be justified in being hurt, her pain is no longer yours to carry and you DO have to GAL, no matter what happens, or the pain she is carrying and directing at you will only make you feel worse and weaker, and she will not want you back if she senses you are not strong within your self.
I feel like I am reading parts of my own life. My wife is still living in our house but has "threatened" to separate and makes a point to tell me she is angry at me for not responding to her requests over the years to improve our relationship. In my mind she did nothing more than read books -- took no action, but then again neither did I. I am trying to follow the advice that everyone seems to be giving here -- be confident, GAL, only talk about feelings when asked. But I feel like a whipping boy, just take it all in the chin, don't get defensive and try to be a friend. How long can I take this before I just ask her to leave? Or should I just keep taking it until she either decides to leave or work on us?
I think you're doing the right thing, the thing we should all be trying to accomplish. Thank goodness for this forum or we'd all be in the asylum!
Got a new email from the W today. She just said we have a hearing Aug, 13th and the D is going to proceed ( no surprise). She has issues too, and acts as though she was abused but like another poster said, I too have never laid a finger on her. We had a few arguments (probably 3 or 4) where she said "go on and hit me". I never have done that, and to my knowledge she has never been in an abusive relationship but who knows. She has issues too. But like most here, I still love her deeply. But know I can only think that it will happen if it is meant to be.
Got a new email from the W today. She just said we have a hearing Aug, 13th and the D is going to proceed ( no surprise). She has issues too, and acts as though she was abused but like another poster said, I too have never laid a finger on her. We had a few arguments (probably 3 or 4) where she said "go on and hit me". I never have done that, and to my knowledge she has never been in an abusive relationship but who knows. She has issues too. But like most here, I still love her deeply. But know I can only think that it will happen if it is meant to be.
Yea, it sounds like she too is using that as an excuse to throw in the towel and not do the work. She may be like my W (same age), who thinks that if it takes too much work, it's not worth it, or that the M is wrong to stay in because you just "aren't right for each other." Well, she knew who you were before she said "I do", and I believe that's just another excuse not to work on HER self. Everyone is different, and no people have the exact same style of communication, but what we should all be doing is trying to communicate on each other's level, not the way we feel is right for ourselves. I think that's where most of us go wrong. They will find someday that the work is part of those vows and no one is exempt from doing it within a M, if it is to survive. I think she does still care, and like my W, could be pulling the abuse card as a way of rallying support around her and not admitting her own guilt for her half of the problems. So true, it really does take two, and though sometimes one person may bear more weight, she still someday will have to come to terms with her own shortcomings. Now all we can do is pray that she comes to her senses before the papers are signed...
I agree that it appears as though she still cares, she is too angry to not care. It looks to me like she has been reading self improvement books that advocate elimanating that in your life that has made you angry or sad. Was she spiteful like this while you were married?
