I am glad I can help with removing the rose-colored glasses...eventually they do come off on their own but it is helpful if you can see the light sooner rather then later because this will help you on your road to recovery...
VERY FEW online relationships that involve the breaking up of a family survive...and the "love" that you both proclaimed was based all on fantasy...so it wasn't real either...it was more lust...for lack of a better word...it was the feelings of excitement that it gave you...true love doesn't need to feed on constant excitement...it weathers the storms...and I feel that is why you are still home...inside you there is still love...a tiny glowing ember that just needs the flames fanned to start burning again...it won't be like with OM because it will be REAL...remember...what you had with OM wasn't REAL LOVE...my H took nearly 2 years after his A to realize that it wasn't real love at all...and he was ready to walk down the isle with this woman...swore he knew her...swore she was the perfect woman...now almost 3 years post-A he admits he didn't really know her as much as he thought...admitted that she would probably not have quit smoking (he can't stand cigarette smoke), realized that should would not have been so patient with him through his recovery from alcohol and depression if he even got help with her (I supported his recovery and insured him so he could the help when he was ready)...he has finally admitted that she was no more perfect then he had made her in his mind...she was no more perfect then me...and it took a counselor to tell him that "your wife REALLY loves you"...I think that opened his eyes because this counselor knows nothing of his A!!! yet she could see how much I showed love for him...
Sandi...you have made a GREAT STEP in realizing that as long as you keep OM in your mind...and keep feeding your EA...you will NEVER move forward...now this doesn't mean that you are going to jump into H's arms and proclaim your undying love to him...but what it means is you are now going to be able to open the way to work things out within yourself...to start seeing the good and attractive qualities in your H...
I know you worry about money...and that is a huge stressor for you especially with the advancing age and health issues of you and your H...but money is not everything...and things do have a way of working out...you just never know what tomorrow will bring if you trust in God and do what he is asking of you...when we try and direct our own steps we mess up terribly...Eve proved that, Judas proved that, Pharoah proved that...when we realize that we are better prepared to face what the day offers and move foreward for another day...
Take baby steps with your H...talk to him...let him know you NEED/MUST work on you FIRST if there is ever to be a R/M that will make you both happy...ASK him to allow you this time...and let him know...TELL him you will start reaching out to him in time...BUT he MUST allow YOU to set the pace...he can't jump ahead and think all is fixed...you are committed...that is all you can give right now...when you are ready for more he will be the FIRST to know...
Your H needs to know where you are at in this...he needs to be taught how to help you through this journey you are on...you got yourself to where you are and only you can get yourself back...it might hurt him to hear these things...but in the long run it will help him understand...
He also needs to know that you have told the OM good-bye...that the EA is OVER...that you are not planning to leave and meet this man...and that you deeply regret what you did...but now to move foreward you have to put it behind you...you have forgive yourself...and you pray that he forgives you as well...and in time everyone that you have hurt...you can only be forgiven if you allow it...and you forgive yourself...
Sandi...you are doing good...you are getting stronger...you will make it...just keep posting, venting, seeking...you will find what you need when you need it...
