Just wanted to let you know that I feel stronger this morning than I have for a long time. Lin's message yesterday helped me so much to stop seeing the OM through rose colored glasses. Also after reading that post, I realize that I am still feeding the EA. I realize that, in spite, I go to bed at night thinking about him and allow myself to fantasize about him...ugh! How stupid is that? Don't answer, please! I know I will never get over the EA doing that! So, my goal this week is to do whatever I have to do to break that bad habit. That is what it became...a habit to drift off to sleep thinking about him. My R with my H will never improve as long as I am doing that.
I am bearing my soul here because I know that I can't accomplish anything if I am not honest with myself. So, first the strength to say good-bye to the OM and break the ties there. And, I feel like I have finally been able to do that. Secondly, find the strength to stop the EA feeding every night. Sounds like a baby, doesn't it? The regular night-time feeding.
Hope all of you have a good Sunday. My prayers are for all the ones on here that are hurting. It is for everyone...regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, we all are hurting. The LBS may not believe that by our actions, (thte WAS), but we are....our guilt, our self-inflicted punishment, our confusion, not to mention God's discipline, facing the results of our actions....it is painful even if we don't talk about it to our families...believe me...we hurt too. I don't say that for any reason other than to just let you know we have not "gotten off easily"....ok? I think I am realizing what is meant by not believing what you see and hear. No matter what is played out or said in front of you....we WAS are hurting. And, sooner or later....we are very, very sorry for what we have done. My prayer is that all the WAS or "nearly" WAS, as I was, will be sorry sooner rather than....too late. Why do I say I hope we will be sorry sooner? Because, then we can start to heal. That is what I want to do. I want to start to heal. I believe in God and I know He can do anything as long as we allow ourselves to be right with Him. If we are in His perfect Will....then He will help us and heal us back to His plan for our lives.
Well....didn't mean to preach a sermon here on Sunday morning. Thanks to all of you...my new and precious friends...keep on keeping on. This boad was the best thing that has happen to me since my "fall". I have learned so much.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's OK Sandi I needed the preaching anyway as my W got no sleep cuz our 5 yr old woke up twice and now she does not want to go to Church. If I were here, obviously I would be sharing the load of kids waking up at night (and loving every blasted, bleary eyed minute of it!) She doesnt know how lucky she is to have the burden! if you call it that.
Have a good day CVA
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I am glad I can help with removing the rose-colored glasses...eventually they do come off on their own but it is helpful if you can see the light sooner rather then later because this will help you on your road to recovery...
VERY FEW online relationships that involve the breaking up of a family survive...and the "love" that you both proclaimed was based all on fantasy...so it wasn't real either...it was more lust...for lack of a better word...it was the feelings of excitement that it gave you...true love doesn't need to feed on constant excitement...it weathers the storms...and I feel that is why you are still home...inside you there is still love...a tiny glowing ember that just needs the flames fanned to start burning again...it won't be like with OM because it will be REAL...remember...what you had with OM wasn't REAL LOVE...my H took nearly 2 years after his A to realize that it wasn't real love at all...and he was ready to walk down the isle with this woman...swore he knew her...swore she was the perfect woman...now almost 3 years post-A he admits he didn't really know her as much as he thought...admitted that she would probably not have quit smoking (he can't stand cigarette smoke), realized that should would not have been so patient with him through his recovery from alcohol and depression if he even got help with her (I supported his recovery and insured him so he could the help when he was ready)...he has finally admitted that she was no more perfect then he had made her in his mind...she was no more perfect then me...and it took a counselor to tell him that "your wife REALLY loves you"...I think that opened his eyes because this counselor knows nothing of his A!!! yet she could see how much I showed love for him...
Sandi...you have made a GREAT STEP in realizing that as long as you keep OM in your mind...and keep feeding your EA...you will NEVER move forward...now this doesn't mean that you are going to jump into H's arms and proclaim your undying love to him...but what it means is you are now going to be able to open the way to work things out within yourself...to start seeing the good and attractive qualities in your H...
I know you worry about money...and that is a huge stressor for you especially with the advancing age and health issues of you and your H...but money is not everything...and things do have a way of working out...you just never know what tomorrow will bring if you trust in God and do what he is asking of you...when we try and direct our own steps we mess up terribly...Eve proved that, Judas proved that, Pharoah proved that...when we realize that we are better prepared to face what the day offers and move foreward for another day...
Take baby steps with your H...talk to him...let him know you NEED/MUST work on you FIRST if there is ever to be a R/M that will make you both happy...ASK him to allow you this time...and let him know...TELL him you will start reaching out to him in time...BUT he MUST allow YOU to set the pace...he can't jump ahead and think all is fixed...you are committed...that is all you can give right now...when you are ready for more he will be the FIRST to know...
Your H needs to know where you are at in this...he needs to be taught how to help you through this journey you are on...you got yourself to where you are and only you can get yourself back...it might hurt him to hear these things...but in the long run it will help him understand...
He also needs to know that you have told the OM good-bye...that the EA is OVER...that you are not planning to leave and meet this man...and that you deeply regret what you did...but now to move foreward you have to put it behind you...you have forgive yourself...and you pray that he forgives you as well...and in time everyone that you have hurt...you can only be forgiven if you allow it...and you forgive yourself...
Sandi...you are doing good...you are getting stronger...you will make it...just keep posting, venting, seeking...you will find what you need when you need it...
Today is Monday. I was able to go to sleep last night without thinking about the OM. Praise God! Maybe to some that is not that big of a deal to say that I got through one night....and I know that I've got tonight coming up...but..at least I did get through that first night and I know I can do it.
I am "journaling" here I guess. I can't remember if I mentioned before how that I had been on a lot of meds for about ten years and had gotten to the place that I felt dead on the inside. That is a terrible feeling. I say that to say this...it was an addiction to the "feeling" of being in-love and the feeling of being alive again that was so powerful. I know that now. In fact, I think in the back of my mind that I knew it then....I just did not want to admit it. But at the same time, it was not a healthy feeling. Because I was not free to be in a R with OP. So, it made me feel almost sick at times. I could not enjoy it, so why did I continue to turn back for more? That is the insanity of it. Like a drug that is bad and you keep going back for more.
For you who have been so good to help me these past many days....feels like years....I have another thing that I am a little concerned about and thought you may shed some light on this for me. I have experienced "burn-out" in some areas of my life. A couple of really big ones right before I got into the on-line stuff. Do you think that had anything to do with any of this? Maybe nobody could know for sure....just wondered. However, I am concerned about a couple of things that I used to enjoy doing that I can't seem to find the energy or interest any longer. I really hate that this has happened. I have read about burn-out before and how one needs to back away for awhile...be it a job, hobby, or whatever. I used one, which could be described as a hobyy mostly, to fill the void in my life. Now, I don't enjoy it anymore and I don't really have much to do to stay occupied. By that I mean, there is not a lot of "physical" things I can do. It's a long story. Another thing I always enjoyed was reading. I would study the Bible and prepare lessons.....I know....who would have guessed it, right? But, I did....just got a little lost out there for a while, but now I am finding my way back. However, I find it very difficult to focus and to hang with the book I start. Everything lately has been based on marriage helps, biblical, etc. I have not allowed myself to read romance novels because of the fantasizing I'm tempted to do. That sounds so very weak! But, I know that I was into reading romance stories every night when I started going on-line and found OM. Some people would not unstand that at all. My mother, who is also my best friend, cannot understand that. But, I know it is a "trigger" with me. It seduces my imagination. Then, I want more....and then I get into trouble.
Even my own D and H asked me if I expected life to be like the stories I was reading in those books. So, they must have noticed something. I don't expect life to be like that. I am too old and know better. However, my heart still dreams about it.
I am going to tell you all something I have never told another person. When I was going from that age of a child into becoming a teenager, and one day you want to play house and the next day you feel like you are too old to be playing? Well, we were very, very poor at that time in my life and I don't know that that had anything to do with it or if it was just a normal thing going from childhood into teen years, but every night when I went to bed....I would pretend. Nothing sexual....didn't even know about masterbating until I was grown (now that part is probably not normal, just the truth), but I just pretended whatever I made up in my mind. It was the same thing as "playing" only I thought I was too old to play, so I didn't want anyone to see me. After I went to bed, I could become a princess or whoever. It kind of compensated for the other part of my life being so hard at the time. The only problem was, I don't think I ever completely out grew it. What may have been "normal" and even non-sexual, turned into fantasies. Some may say, "well, everyone has them"......I guess you are right, but I just felt like I was adnormal and a grown woman should not be doing that. When I watched a tv program with a hansome hero then I would fantasize about him when I went to bed. After I was first married, I did not do that, but then I became unhappy and first thing.....I was doing it again. It started taking over my almost ever waking moment. Sounds so sick, doesn't it? But that is how I coped with unhappiness. I even tried one time to hint at it to my husband and I saw right quick he would think I was nuts, so I stopped from telling him all of it.
Over the years, the problem advanced. I know now that that hurt my MR more than an EA has. Perhaps you won't agree with that. It may not have hurt my H directly more than the EA....but indirectly it has, because it hurt me. It stunted my growth as a person and a W and as a mother. It took my time and energy and talents, and everything else that I should have been giving to my family and spending it on fantasies. Make-believe may be an escape route for some, but it has a way of sneaking up behind you and biting you in the rear.
Well, there you have it. I have never told that to another living soul. That is why it was an accomplishment to get through the first night without fantasizing about OM. You were right...all of you...the OM could not have possibly been what I had made him out to be in my "mind". He was perfect and he was truly my knight in shining armor. I wanted him to be so badly. I needed him to be that for me. But, I have a knight....right here at my house....I just need to see him as being that for me. He loves me so much and I pray I can give him some of the loves he deserves.
I was able to give a couple of hugs (and once even a little peck). I did sit in the front room with him for a while. I did complete the book on DR. I may not have been able to ring bells at the end of my "weekend goals", but I did accomplish them.
So, my goal this week is to get through every night....one night at a time...without dreaming of the OM. I will focus on my H and his good qualities...just like you said, Lin, because he has many. It is hard to see those good things when you are in the "fog".
Thank you all for listening. I have come to look at you as very precious new friends. I have never revealed myself to anyone like I can here. Maybe that is why it is so healing.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/23/0711:10 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are cutting through that fog...and you are really doing some great self examinations...this is a HUGE step into understanding yourself...I think I would have to agree with everything you said...and while it might not apply to others it does to you and that is what counts...just like some people can drink wine or whatever every night and suddenly stop without an issue...but for someone who has a weakness/predisposition for alcholism this is a problem and they must avoid it entirely to lead a functional life...
I have known others who got caught up emotionally in romance novels...and for those it was not healthy for their relationships in real life...
Sandi...I have great confindence in you and that you will find yourself in all of this...but do look at getting a healthy life...do you crochet? knit? garden? enter recipe contests (I do this as an escape and have won national contests and money)? or have you looked into volunteer work maybe once a month reading at your local library, helping in a retirement home...think about something you could do that you would find JOY in doing...I know for me I had made my life being a mom/wife...and lost me in the process...after H left I had to find out who I really was...so even with him back I am maintaining my own life...I have my own "thing" that I like to do...I have things that I share with my kids...and things I share with H...but I always make sure and do something just for me...no matter how small it is...
I think you goals are great...and as I said...you are doing great...share with us some of your H's qualities that you truly admire...sometimes sharing these things helps to keep them in mind for yourself...
Keep up the positive steps, Sandi...you are doing an awesome job!!!
My prayers are for all the ones on here that are hurting. It is for everyone...regardless of which side of the fence we may be on, we all are hurting. The LBS may not believe that by our actions, (thte WAS), but we are....our guilt, our self-inflicted punishment, our confusion, not to mention God's discipline, facing the results of our actions....it is painful even if we don't talk about it to our families...believe me...we hurt too. I don't say that for any reason other than to just let you know we have not "gotten off easily"....ok? I think I am realizing what is meant by not believing what you see and hear. No matter what is played out or said in front of you....we WAS are hurting. And, sooner or later....we are very, very sorry for what we have done. My prayer is that all the WAS or "nearly" WAS, as I was, will be sorry sooner rather than....too late. Why do I say I hope we will be sorry sooner? Because, then we can start to heal. That is what I want to do. I want to start to heal. I believe in God and I know He can do anything as long as we allow ourselves to be right with Him. If we are in His perfect Will....then He will help us and heal us back to His plan for our lives.
Amen, lady.
And that part in bold is the understatement of the year.
I agree too...even though I was the LBS...I could see the self torment in my H...I remember one night sitting in the car with him shortly after he had left (before I knew about DB'ing)and crying as I told him I just wanted him to forgive himself if he couldn't accept my forgiveness...I could see how inside he was so confused and hurt...I also remember telling him another time that "you can keep drinking and buy things but at some point you will sober up and find yourself alone with your things and you will have to face yourself"...I am not sure if he heard me but I knew he was running fast and furious from himself...
So yes...this is where I found compassion for my H...and was able to maintain to my love for him...
I was wondering if you could give me a brief recap of your sitch or give me a link to it (or tell me where to find your thread if you've got one). I'm curious as to why H left in the first place, if he saw anybody (and if so for how long), if anyone every filed for D, why you think he finally came back, and how the piecing went. I know this is a tall order, but I like to get the skinny on Rs/Ms that are reconciled. Thanks either way -- you're a great DB supporter around here!
GD...I know my posts from the earlier times are archived here and you can do a search on them...someone did when I thought they were all gone...I went back and read some of them...boy was I lost then too...
H had a classic MLC...although at the time I thought he just went totally insane...but I now know the two are very closely related...he gave some reasons: He needed to focus on his career...I always had to have things my way, he let me and now resented it, he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for years, he didn't think I loved him (this one totally blew me away), he didn't think I respected him (this was his own self reflection based on what was happening), he thought that I could never change, he didn't think he could ever "endure" living with me...
I know his MLC began about 3 years before he left...when he lost his career job and decided to become self-employed...something he had always wanted but "I wouldn't let him do it"...there were some signs before this but this was the BIG trigger that sent him spiraling...
Yes, there was an OW...she was younger but he said that had nothing to do with it...I didn't know of her until he left me but after talking to her and looking back on cell phone records they had been carrying on for about 6 months...it continued about another 6 months...he was ready to marry her but because of her situation she couldn't move...and he said he couldn't (although he had already moved away from us far enough we didn't see him...or hear from him much)...she found a OM and moved on last he heard from her...
I filed for D twice...got within 5 days of it being final the first time and we mutually called it off...he then went dark on me and the kids for 5 months...not a word from him...my reaction to this was to file again...that D is still pending for legal reasons (he has HUGE debt he needs to clear before involving me back with him in community property)
I think there are many reasons that he came back...some complex and some simple...I think he missed his family...probably more the kids then me...he realized that I was not "all his problems", he realized that I was very capable of change...and he found out that I truly did love him...and he accepted that he had not made the best decisions because his life was a mess while mine and kids was going relatively good even though we were struggling financially...and I asked him to come home after we had started seeing each other as friends again (not really DB'ing but I did it and it worked for us)
The piecing was almost as bad as the beginning of all of this...I questioned my judgement many times...many times he would say and do hurtful things...I wondered many times if it would ever work...when he finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression...then got slapped in the face with the fact that he had to take care of his diabetes that he had been diagnosed with just after leaving me things started showing promise...he admitted he was an alcoholic after a 9-1-1 visit to the ER via ambulance...this happened one more time before he really took it to heart...he has been sober now for almost 8 months...things are still coming together better and better now...I know I did the right thing...and I can pretty much say I know we are going to make it...he says the same thing...and he says he loves me again!
He was my high school sweetheart, I was 15 when we started dating...I was the only girl he had ever been intimate with...a lot changed that summer of 2004...and in the end I think we will all be better for it...but in some ways we did lose somethings that will never be regained...I have to accept that and I am...painfully, but I am...
