Well, I have read through this entire thread and I have to say that it throughly depressed me. Sure, I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way, but it's depressing because it doesn't seem like there is a cure or that it ever gets better. It seems like years and years go by and the resentment, anger, sadness and feelings of rejection just get worse. What can we do? Is there any hope at all?
Michelle, are you still writing this book? When will it be out? This book is desperately needed.
Hi, I am one of these woman that have a LD husband and I have a much hire D level. I would not say HD but just average. I have been married before and "think" I know what the average on sex is per year. My husband now does not think that sex is important to a marriage. He has made a statement to me that marrriage without sex will not work; but has not stated what "without" means. We are lucky to have sex once a week. To me this was a big shock. In the beginning of our relationship he was not really big into sex, but was happy to try and please me. Now I feel it has come to just the motions of sex. He has never shown passion, intercouse is just that. He does not place any effort in to having sex, he just lays there and I do the work. I have so often wondered what would happen if I just took care of myself, got off and went to sleep... without taking care of him. He and I have discussed this in lenght. Most times it comes out as an arguement that never ends. Just once I was able to get him to talk about his lack of enthuesiasm in this area. His explanationa was this: "I was in the military for so long that sex went to the bottom of my priority list. I thought about it mostly when I was drunk and thats it. There is to much on my mide to worry about having sex" He is not a masturbator nor is he cheating. This I am surof.
Howdy, I don't get to post much and wanted to vent. My H and I have not ML all this year - not once. I would settle for once every other 2 weeks but can't even get that.
I've been just trying to make myself happy - getting involved with my kids, life, etc.
We talk about this every once in a while. It's been going on for 12 years now but was never this bad. My H is 52 going on 80. All he wants to do is sit on the porch and talk ab out other things(like his 89 y/o mom does when she comes to punish (I mean visit) us. I am brimming with resentment at the moment!
What's the problem? ED - but he won't do anything about it. His father had the same problem - he didn't touch his mom for 25 years (!!!) She had daughters and told them the problem. I don't - I have sons and no friends to talk about this problem. They all complain that their husbands won't leave them alone!
Anyway, H had his testosterone checked - it's 100 points TOO LOW and he doesn't think it needs to be treated. Then when he forgets to take his blood pressure medicine he's at salute (if you know what I mean) so what do I tell him - get the doctor to change his blood pressure meds. No, he says, it's finally normal again. He just won't do anything about the problem. When I insist he gets very offended so I just simmer. Right now I'm out of town without him and bummed.
I know I'm not the only one who has ever thought their hubbies/SO were repressing gay/bisexual desires and not bringing them to the forefront as the reason they are not interested or less interested in sex with them. I certainly still wonder about mine!
I read SSM and it was so great to see all of my feelings and problems outlined so clearly. I am pretty close to giving up and having an affair and I know how dangerous that is so I am looking for strength and help from wherever I can get it.
Here's my story: I have been married for less than 2 years and have a 15 month old baby. Of course, my husband blames the infrequent sex on our son, but the baby always goes to bed before we do and takes three hour naps in the afternoon. Since my husband and I both work at home I don't think we would have any problems having sex more often.
Background: I have always been the HD spouse and in all of my previous relationships as well, but it didn't seem to matter when I wasn't married because I didn't feel trapped. I had a three year relationship in college and we had sex daily. That would be my ideal situation, but my husband seems content with once or twice a month. When we were dating it was more like twice a week, which I used to complain about but now I think it would be plenty. I dream about sex all of the time and lately have started fantasizing about another man who is crazy about me too. I probably shouldn't have, but I told this other man how I felt and now I don't really know what to do. It is so frustrating wanting sex all the time and I am only 27. I look great. I feel very sexy and I am much happier when I am not with my husband. It makes me sad that I would rather flirt with other men than spend time with the "love of my life" who has completely lost interest in me. He never compliments me and he would rather play computer games than have sex. I know the problem is partly my fault. Perhaps I nag him too much - I'm always asking him to spend more time with our son or clean up after himself. I do all the housework and childcare and it is hard because I'm trying to get a PhD and he refuses to help out. My husband works at night a lot and whether or not he works he is always very tired. I wonder if he is depressed... In any case, he is usually a very unfun person: pragmatic, boring, a bit of a buzz kill really. His negativity hurts and when we try to do something fun together (go to the lake, for example) I get so annoyed by his attitude and his unresponsiveness. When I ask him a question he often doesn't even respond. His excuse: he thinks I'm talking to the kid or to myself. It just feels like I'm being ignored...and I am a bit of an attention hog. I am in a community theater production right now to get out of the house and it is great, but I can't say it is helping our marriage. We need to find a way to reconnect or else I fear I may start living a double life.
I know this is a lot of problems but any advice is much appreciated.
I am new here, and have read through tons of the posts. I am amazed that there is a forum discussing this topic. I have read all the books. I have been in therepy for years and years. I have been to therapy with my husband. Anyway, my story is everyone's story. My husband finally decided after an almost sexless marriage to get his blood checked. He has low testosterone. He has been getting treatment for the past few months. Anyway, the treatment isn't enough, we haven't had sex in 10 mos., it was over a year before that, and at least a year before that. When he approached me to have sex recently, he was the same self centered guy,I let him off the hook so as not to hurt is fragile ego. As I didn't want to discourage future sex. I am pathetically desperate. He barely touched me, got hard, pulled me on top, and then as usual, came, and said gee I'm sorry, I'll do better next time. If he has said it once, he's said it ten thousand times. It was a big experiement to see if the treatment worked. He could care less about me and how frustrated I am left feeling and I have to deal with. I am older, and trapped. I am also at my end, I fantasize about gettting some guy over and time it so he is having sex with me when my husband walks in the door, so he can see me getting off. I haven't had an orgasm with my husband in years and years and years. I have read all the posts and have felt all the feelings described. Other than how bitter and angry I am sure this post is sounding, I am also married to the great guy in all the other ways. I feel like even with the treatment I will never get my husband really interested in any kind of sex that involves really knowing what I need, or what makes me feel good. I am not ugly. I suppose I am very attractive acccording to what I am told. It means nothing. I feel ugly, hate myself. I feel cursed, shame at feeling this way, shame at the shame as one person posted. I feel lost, no self esteem, can't get out of the cycle, have done everything over the years to either feel better for me, or do things I thought would make him happy or be more attracted to me. I am resentful, and find myself wanting to hurt him, and then hate myself for my thoughts. I feel hopeless and cursed, just like my handle. I have no friends anymore, because no one has any support to offer, they see me married to what appears to be the greatest guy in the world who makes a good living and is a good provider, so I have been abandoned by all of them. I am here because I have no none to talk to anymore. I am in therapy now again, but I am now in such a state of hurt, that I can barely talk or function. I can make it appear ok to a point, but I am lonely and can't imagine anyone would ever want or desire me. I am so damaged from this passionless and sexless marriage that I am frozen with fear to move on. Right now as I write this I am fighting back the tears, as I am sure that leaving would just leave me alone and poverty stricken. I have had jobs, businesses, and "getting my own life" has not made anything better, instead of making the lonliness better, it only made things worse because I was exposed to more people in the world having sex, and living life, only leaving me feeling worse. I am reduced to hanging with my 2 dogs, they at least look at me with their addoring eyes, and want to be with me. Funny too, how when I know another man is attracted to me, it doesn't make feel better, it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it shows how sickeningly neglected I am, and that somehow if they are attracted to me, I am telepathically making them approach me, so I feel guilty. The mind is ridiculously ever trying to compensate. I hope my rambling makes sense, and I thank you for giving me a place to dump my thoughts. As I am pretty hopeless anyway. Oh, and I have been on all the anti-deppressents over the years, they are only a bandaid, and never help me enough to make a difference to me. I am so so lonely, and pretty much feel useless, ugly, worthless, embarassed to be naked when I am by myself, let alone around my husband or anyone else. I couldn't have an affair if I wanted to, as I am completely destroyed. And this comes from a woman who not so many years ago used to walk around naked, was a free spirit, and did my gardening in the nude. NOw I hate myself.
Cursed My husband says he loves me but he doesn't initiate sex and when I try he seems to not want me to touch him. This makes me feel like I am not attractive or desirable.
I am lonely and can't imagine anyone would ever want or desire me. I understand the lonely part as being a valid and real feeling. The no one would want you, well yes that feeling is valid but let me tell you it is not true. Some where someone could want you. BTDT myself but realize it was more about what I felt than what might be the truth in the real world.
I am not suggestion you test the theory someone will want you by making yourself available to another man. Just saying that feeling "no one wants you" is a common thought, but not something you can prove.
Start a thread and maybe become un-cursed. Lots of data type details help.
I hope I'm not too late in responding to your post. I haven't seen anymore from you and you were talking about a possible A. Oh sweetie......please don't go there. If you are flirting and looking....and especially if you have already told the OM what you are thinking....you are on very dangerous grounds. I am so worried about you. Let me hear from you before I say anymore. I just want to know what is going on. Even if you did meet with OM and even if you have entered into an A......please talk to us and let us try to help you. Sure, we all have problems on here...that is why we come on this board. But, we can see one another's solutions better than we can see our own. So, come back and talk to us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh sweetie......my heart just hurt for you when I read your story. I think I know how you feel.....I really do. I identify with having no friends and how you feel when you go out and it appears eveyone has a life....except you. I know how you feel about being too embarrased to even be naked alone, etc. Even when I was considering a PA, I didn't know how on earth I would get past my own hang-ups with my body for a man to touch me.
You didn't say what your age is.......will you tell me? You just said you were older and I didn't know if you meant older than your H or just thought you were older than most people on here are.
Sweetie, I have never had an orgasam with my H! So, I know how frustrating it can be. We have not had sex....probably longer than you have been married!
I understand the depression, lack of energy......all of it. I was on 3 different anti-depression meds, sleeping med, pain killers, and more junk all at the same time. And....getting more depressed by the day! I finally got off the anti-depression meds and feel just as good, if not better, than when they had me on all that mess.
Anyway, talk to me. I will be here for you. It helps to come here and blow up to us and you can say anything on here. I have found that help a lot! (lol)
I am on here every night (and sometimes during the day if I get a chance) and I will look in to see if you have sent a post to me. I really care and want to hear from you again.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have been told that if a man is taking blood pressure meds that he usually can't get it up. That.....combined with the low testrosterone......my God, no wonder he's not having sex! He needs to get his butt to the doctor. Now having said all that...let me quickly add this, sweetie......I am married to the same kind of man! (((many hugs for you!)))
He was 24 going on 54 when we got married, but I was so blind that I couldn't see it. He was 4 years older than me and when you are 18 that makes a big difference. He "maturity" and his Gary Cooper (know who he was?) personality was a "turn-on" to me. However, his mother killed most of that for me over the years. She is dead now, but so is our marriage! Anyway, I know how you feel and I am older than you and have been married a long time with a lot of no sexual activity. I hate going to the doctor and having to fill out those papers when it ask if you are "sexually active" b/c I've been married for almost 42 years and have not had sex in eleven years. I don't know that I can help a single person by giving advice, but sweetie I have big shoulders and will listen anytime you want to talk. Sounds like our guys may be two peas in a pod.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
