thanks and you guys are right, she is testing, unfortunetly i failed it big time yesterday.
sorry righ shift key is broke, no caps.
my boss is going through the same thing with his w, turned him onto db'ing and he is reading. luckily his sitch isn't all lost, she wants things to work, 3 kids, but he found a few ea online. but they are doing well, he just feel insecure. well he was there when she called and asked what happened. told him, and he says you can't think the rest of the day, and we just finished a big project so he sends to the weekend early.
i meet a friend at a pub, and had a late lunch. he had some great advice. no matter what i have to get her to agree to file mutually, hammer out the details and the things we can't agree on we take to a mediator. well i was planning on hanging with him for the evening and some other friends. he had to take off to a family dinner for a couple and he drops me at his house. well i'm already drunk and shouldn't have been.
i sit for a few more hours and then make the mistake. i call her, we get into it, we havn't argued or fought since she left. we have talked a lot, but not fought. i basically tell her i'm done, i'm not living like this and i am filing. i want out and she can go live her life. she starts asking about s and i tell her that i'm seeking 50/50 legal and physical. she losses it, and asks me if that is so i don't have to pay child support. i couldn't believe it, i'm yelling back that he is my s too and i have a right to see him and be with him.
then she reminds me that she has a lawyer, and she will fight me for s. i try to tell her that she can fight all she wants but in the end it will be money out the door because i will get equal split on him. so we continue to argue. finally i can't take it and end the conversation. i call my sis to come pick me up i'm in no condition to drive. w calls back and starts in on me again. wants to know about all the terms, i basically lay it out for her, that i'm giving her half on everything and no matter how much she spends on a lawyer, in the end the court will split it all, sure i'll have some child support and alimony, but i'll push for a one time payment on the alimony and the child support is so small per month i'll per her yearly.
go home, sis is worried about me but i tell her i'll be fine. i pass out at 8pm. great drinker, huh?
next morning is the s drop off, not sure how to handle this. were do you start, say sorry, won't work. well w pulls up and i basically give it a good swallow. w asks if we can talk.
w says, "i don't want you to worry about last night, you were drunk and angry and i understand that you didn't mean the things you were saying. i don't want to you apologize but i want you to control your drinking or stop and get help." w then proceeds to tell me that she wanted to talk to me this weekend about working things out, but after this episode she can't do it right now. she grabs my hand and tells me i'm a great dad, that she loves me, and that she couldn't have a better daddy for her s. i'm so floored at this point, think i'm being db'ed.
well she tells me that if i want to go to an aa meeting tonight that she will come watch s and then we could spend the evening together. i need to do it so i'm more than happy to.
w then tells me about all the guys, lays everything out. nothing physical has happened, both tried and so she no longer sees them. she says she goes out when she can, but its only with girls and she hasn't done anything that would destroy or marriage. that i just need to give her space and let things work themselves out. she then tells me her dinner date next friday is with her co-worker. he is 65 and dying, poor guy can't quit smoking and has the oxygen tank. i asked why then didn't she just say that. she admits to make me upset, she apologizes for it and says that she has made a decision to not push my buttons any more or take any verbal jabs. thank you. not sure how much i can believe but i have to believe if i'm going to make this work. she was curious why all the sudden my mind was changed and i wanted out. told her i just couldn't keep doing this, at least not like this. she said she wanted me to wait and think about things first. give it time and see.
then she initiates a real hug, held me for a some time. that was really nice. haven't felt her thay physically close in a long time.
well she never showed tonight, called and she had changed her tunr. says we are following the same paterns, alcohol, verbal abuse and then rescueing. she asked if i was still going, i didn't have a sitter, so i told her i was planning on the morning for a meeting. i told her thanks for offering, and not to worry about me or tonight. was really positive and by the end of the call, she was really nice and laughed at a few things.
the crappy part is for the first time, since she left, i've really been careful with the booz, but last night was a bender and not good. i know i need help though and for the sake of myself, i'm going to do it.
waht happened wasn't good, but i think in a way it really opened her eyes, that for one, i'm not going to leave her high and dry in the divorce, but half of nothing is well nothing. she must have talked to someone last night that knows the d code, because she said she realized that she was going to have to work full time, s would be in day care, and things would not be easy and she didn't want that. two, i think she is seeing that eventually i'm going to have enough and push for this, i'm not saying anything to her, but i'm going to wait. i'm back in my mind set that i can't file, i'll never be able to live with myself. i love her too much and it will kill me.
i don't want her to come home, because life will be hard now. i don't want her to come her just for s. i want her to be here because she loves me and wants it. i love her and will do anything to show her this. so sober me from now on. keep up the changes, and avoid like hell the backsteps.
