I've locked up so many I can't count any more. I almost feel ashamed of it actually. I've been here eight months and 1 day and that saddens me in some regards. But I also draw a little strength too because I look at how far we have come in our situation. I can't even count the number of times I have wanted to throw in the towel, scream at her, inflict similar pain on her, or just belittle her. I can't recall the number of times I have felt bursts of excitement either. It's just been a long journey so far and there's a good bit still to traverse.
Well tonight a few things to journal about. First the new Harry Potter book came out today and my wife had ordered two copies, one for her and one for D10. She sent me a text to let me know she had the book for D10 and we could pick it up any time. We did swing by this afternoon and while there a few thing happened. First she invited me to dinner with them tomorrow after I drop the girls off. Second she asked about my motivation for wanting the house sold so quickly. This lead into a discussion about my motivations, her thought I was trying to keep up the high lifestyle because I wanted the money and a discussion about wants, needs and desires. I kept thinking she really doesn't want to sell because it's our family home and she deep down inside wants her family in the home. I also got from her continual twists back to my desire to "take care of the family" that she may want to quit her job in the next year or so. All in all it was a strange discussion of which I haven't gotten my head around yet. As for my motivation about the house, I don't have a place to call home right now and have limited money along with no job currently. So I sure could benefit from the chunk of change.
Well later in the afternoon I discovered tonight downtown was a big festival with several 80s bands playing. I sent her and IM about it and asked if she would like to go with the girls and me. She immediately replied yes. So I arranged to pick up dinner at our favorite pizza parlor, we then ate at home and off we went. Unfortunately our two girls complained the whole time and we ended up bagging it after about an hour. We never got to see the concerts or the fireworks. But I told her no matter, the company was good and I enjoyed it and appreciated her taking the time to join us even though she wanted to read the new Harry Potter book. (Side note, she frowned most of the time but as the evening wore on she'd look at me and smile slightly.)
I dropped her off at home and as we were leaving I told her, no you don't need to sell the house right away, the spring is fine with me, I have a good roof over my head right now. This seemed to lift a big concern from her. I hugged her and actually kissed her forehead.(another side note, she now giving full two armed tight hugs) We then briefly talked about my job search and my focus with it. I'm trying to find a job with the state because it's much more stable. She seemed to respond to that as well because it signals my desire to have stability so I can take care of the family. (Sorry but working exclusively with high tech start ups is a dicey game and layoffs are common. I'm ready to have a bit more stability.)
Well D10 pulled me aside after we had been at my place for about an hour and said "Daddy it really seems like you and Mommy want to be together again." So I pulled her aside so D9 couldn't hear us talking and asked her why she felt that way. She said because I have said I want us to be together again and because how we act around each other now. I asked her "well what makes you think Mommy wants that?" She said I can't say but I get the feeling she does. (Man I hope the women's intuition is right on this!)
D10 and I talked a bit more and the separation is taking it's toll on her but she's keeping up with a stiff upper lip. She isn't going to let it defeat her or at least let anyone think it has.
Whether or not the ice is thawing and something truly positive can happen that I wish for us all, I can't say but it is nice to get positive feelings at least sometimes and to be able to go to bed with a smile on my face.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I almost feel ashamed of it actually. I've been here eight months and 1 day and that saddens me in some regards. But I also draw a little strength too because I look at how far we have come in our situation. I can't even count the number of times I have wanted to throw in the towel, scream at her, inflict similar pain on her, or just belittle her. I can't recall the number of times I have felt bursts of excitement either. It's just been a long journey so far and there's a good bit still to traverse.
