FLTC: from Iraq

[Tamashii]

FLTC,

First may I say God Bless for your service! I'm a Viet Nam Era Marine, and I appreciate and admire you for what you are doing for our beloved country.

I haven't read your story. May I ask:

How old are you? (People may think this is funny, but my BIL is over there and he's 53. An AF reservist.)

How old is your wife?

I have not had contact with my wife for a year, and haven't seen her for 1 1/2 years.

Your story of your W blowing up at you struck a chord with me.

My W was either 'off' or on full afterburner. Before Hallowe'en I scared my little niece with a mask. My W jumped up and started screaming and calling me every name in the book. She would've embarassed a platoon of grunts! A little later my BIL took me aside and said, "I did the same thing yesterday. She didn't say a word to me."

This year that you are deployed can work in your favor. You can change, and Algebraic Law dictates that when one side of an equation changes, the equation changes! You can get this equation to change!

First, back off of the R talk. People who are chased tend to run faster. Don't bring it up unless she does, then you just listen and agree. "Yes, I guess you're right, my mother DOES wear Army boots!" Of course it isn't true, but it isn't important that you be right. It's important that you listen and affirm. Don't defend yourself. Once again, it isn't important that you be right at this point. Your purpose is to let her vent and to realize you're LISTENING to her. We men don't listen. Don't try to fix the problem, just empathize. Suppose she says: "That day at the BBQ when you (whatever)..." You say,"Yes, I can see where that would be very upsetting to you" Don't go into "gee I'm sorry, blah, blah." That's defending yourself. You want to create a safe environment for her to talk to you, and it will take time.
If you write her a lot(we wrote letters. I guess you guys got email...pansies! :-)), back off on how often you write. Write more sporatically, in other words, not every Monday or whatever. Mix it up a bit. Make her guess a bit and wonder. When you DO write, make sure your letters are always upbeat, no R talk, no ILYs, and talk of something genuine and AFFIRM her. For example: "The guys in the squad were sitting around having a beer and Joe showed us a picture of his kids. It made me smile and think of what a great mother you are." Short and sweet. Tell her good things, and I know you guys do lots of good things. Don't make the letters long. You may want to pour your heart out, but don't. Do that in your jounal or here on the board. Or email me and vent [e-mail]. From here on in she only hears upbeat, affirming things from you. You must put your feelings aside and let your rational mind guide you.
The last thing for this time: 48 hour rule. If she writes something that ticks you off, WAIT 48 HOURS before you respond. You may want to cuss her out now, but in two days you'll feel differently. Your barometer is always " will it bring me closer to my goal?" Your goal is to save your marriage, and cussing her out may make you feel macho for a few minutes, but it will take you farther from your goal.
Beware of well meaning friends and family. Your buddies love you. They don't want you to hurt, so they may say things that they think will help that really won't: "Aw man, let her go. There's a million fish in the sea, blah blah, blah." It's YOUR marriage, YOUR problem. Listen to your heart. I had to tell my family to support me or shut up. I don't hear from them much. :-)
That's where you can start. The first chapter of Divorce Remedy is on this board. Read it, then buy the book. If you're short of funds, send me your address and I'll send it to you. It will give you a sense of direction and hope.

Tell all the guys I said hello. If anybody wants a pen pal,there's my email.

May the Lord watch over you and keep you safe.


David