As usual, you came to my rescue....and just in time. I need to be told over and over how the OM is NOT my knight in shining armor. I know I have him painted to be like that in my mind! I think the one thing that has saved me the most from not breaking down and contacting him was the way he seem to "release" me so easily. At first, I thought he sure was being sweet about it and not pressuring me. But, the longer I thought about it the more I realized that if he really loved me as much as he said, he would have tried to "fight" for me just a little bit, wouldn't he? At first, I thought he was just being noble because he always told me to put my M and family before him...that he came last. But, he was working on us getting together in a few months (at that point in time) to have a PA. Then when I said that I was going to have to back away, he said ok and understood....you know...real sweet like. Then after you message about it wasn't a "real good-bye" that I gave him, I sent another one back and told him that I could never have a PA while I was married. That return letter was even shorter. He just said I was a sweet lady and that he would like to hear how I was doing if I ever got to the point I wanted to talk to him again. (I know...another door left opened!) But anyway, I have thought about it and tried to see it through eyes of reality. Although when I am weak......lordy, I make myself sick. I never chased after a man (or even a boy when I was a teenager)! So, why would I ever consider contacting a man that let me go that easily? Then my mind kicks in and tells me that he is just waiting for me to "call the shots"...that is what he use to tell me. Hummmm, I wonder how many more he has told that to? Also, he has been divorced many years, and although he says he is "just picky" about who he gets involved with....I can't help but wonder if he spends every evening at home on-line with other women. I guess I am venting here as much as anything. Reminding myself what reality is and what fantasy is. He sure looked good in that shiny suit I put him in. He said he would come take me away from all this when I wanted him to.....things like that sound good to a woman when she is in so much pain and unhappiness. But, you know what I thought about today? This is so sad, but it is the truth if I ever told it. If it had not been for his "money" (if he does have any)....he would not have looked near as good to me. But that was part of the package decoration! He represented a sort of "power" where he had the ability to "get things done" and told me he could. When you don't know if the electricity is going to be cut off from month to month...that looks very tempting! Plus, don't forget about the ego food he gave me everytime we talked! But, if my husband had the finances to put us on an easier street right now...he would probably look more appealing also. I know that is a shallow thing to say and I have read on hear some heatbreaking stories where marriages feel apart and they had plenty of money. But, that has always been a fragile place for us. The feeling of financial security is important when we get older and I sure don't have it now. So, I am mostly reminding myself of the truth here. But please keep telling me of other people's experiences of internet-romances. I need to hear about them. It gives me strength to make stronger resolve to stay away from the OM. Even night I can get through without communicating with him is a victory. I get stronger, but then I have to fight the next day's tempations. I'll get there, I know....just want it to hurry up.
May I make another confession? This is something I don't understand about myself and maybe other women can comment on this too. I have been told that I am attractive, that I don't look like a 60 year-old, etc. That is nice to hear. Now, when this OM who was a little younger than me showed interest...it fed my ego big time. Then, I started using more make-up, fixing my hair a different color.....you know, really getting "dolled up". I was going through this long routine every night with skin potions, etc. to "look younger". Well I was told that it was working! I have also lost about 20 pounds. Now, this is the thing....the minute I resolve to stay in the M and not have a PA and contact the OM and tell him it's all over....do I KEEP ON...KEEPING ON with the hair, clothes, make-up routine? I completely lost the desire to try to look younger or attractive. Why do I not want the same thing for my H as I was trying for the OM? Is it because I take my H for granted? Is it because I don't care? Both? Was it part of the MLC? I think it is for women...to answer my own questions here. I think women in MLC and those especially needing male admiration is going to make these noticable changes in herself. But it makes me so sad to think I won't work at it for my H when I worked like crazy for the OM to be attractive. Something is very wrong with me.
Taling about MLC....I have read about the 2-5 year streach...or longer. Scares me to death! I can't take it that long. I want out now...if that is truly my problem. My mother laughs when I refer to MLC cause I am 60 and she asks if I'm live to 120. I tell her I'm just a late bloomer. I don't know....maybe it's not that at all....I just don't know what is going on with me and I'm trying to find answeres. Anyway, back to the "streach" of time it takes. I thought back to when my biggest problem began and it was almost 2 years ago this fall. Can't remember the month that I met a younger man on line, playing a game. It was not an EA at all....or at least I never saw it as anything sexual. He even had a girlfriend and knew I was married. But he teased and joked, etc. Well, I couldn't wait to get home to get on the computer to chat with him. I know in the beginning, he felt that way too. It was obvious. But, as time went alone, it became noticable the age difference and it bothered me. He also kept warning me not to fall in love with him. It would offend me and I would assure him that was not what was happening, but he said it sure sounded like I was. Anway, he had a terrible heartbreak when he discovered his GF lied to him and that she was really married. So, he did not want to have anything to do with married women. It's a long story, but I discovered, and was shocked to realize that in a way...I was having an EA affair with him. He had been giving me some type of support every evening that I had not found with my H. Even though it was not sexual, it was kind-of...in a way...the teasing,etc. was that way...so yes..somewhat it was. But, I had the self-respect to be the one the second time around to call things to a halt and deleted him...telling him I was through. So see, I use to be able to do that. But, I think that is when it started for me. Does that mean....God, I hope.....that I might possibly be half way through this thing? I want to be more than half-way through....much more than half-way.
That following next summer is when my daughter and her son moved in with us and then I discovered...or rather...went onto an adult site and met the OM in November. So, it has been all these months that I have been in this shape. Compared to a lot on here, that has not been long, but it has been so horrible for all of my family. If my H had not discovered what I was doing, I probably still be communicating and flirting with other men. It was a sexual thrill for them to see me and act shocked to discover I was actually 60 years old. And, then for them to tell me how beautiful I was, etc. Lord, I can't believe I actually bought all that crap. Oh, and it was always younger men....I never wanted anyone my own age! How disgusting is that?
In my "fog", I completely forgot about how anyone can look at the history on the website and see where all you have been looking. So, my H, D, and GS was able to see the sorted places I visited and also read my IM text to OM. You don't want to ever experience that feeling. You just want to die! I have been an example for my family for all these years and I tore it down the first time they found that first message I had sent. My children had sit under my teaching at church and now to find out this about me was almost more than I could stand. So, if anyone reads this and is thinking about flirting with OM on line....let me tell you that it is not worth it. To lose something that took a lifetime to earn...it is not worth it! What can they think now except that I am a "fake" about everything I taught in church. All the other years went flooding out of their minds....only what they saw on the internet is what was branded on their memory.
I've tried to bring it up ....gently....to my D, but I can tell she does not want to talk about it or even think about it. So, I have backed away and hope the Lord can heal her and help her forgive me.
Well, Lin, this was a very long one, sweetie. Again, guess it was for my own sake more than anything. But, you are so dear to help encourage me. I need a lot of it. Someday, when my story is a success, I hope I can help only half as many as you have. God bless.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
