Your favorite lame jokemeister hath returned from his hiatus. Much on my (already overloaded) mind, but really need some advice. First,a quick update:
Very little contact with W since the end of my last thread ( Here). Had a great weekend with S, but there were some real emotional hiccups for me. I potty-trained him over a year ago (solo, I guess W had more important stuff to do), and he ususally does real well. The saturday that she dropped him off, I took him to a local mall that he likes and got him lunch. We are sitting in the food court, he's getting antsy (clue I should have caught, I admit), I put him in my lap, he asks "Where's mommy?". I answered calmly that I didn't know, but that we would talk to her later. He promptly wets himself. I downplayed it, stayed upbeat/cheerful while I took him to the bathroom to clean up and then home, but I really think this was a clear sign of trouble.
Saturday night, W made a point of telling me to call her if we "needed anything", which really pissed me off. I didn't let it show, of course, and I think she was trying to reach out, but it seems to me the one thing we all really need is the only thing she flatly refuses to consider (usually).
Over the next few days, she comes up with increasing frequency from S, I always try to play it cool, and he seems to do okay. Yesterday (Monday), my mother came to sit with him, and he had a really good time. She (My mom) had car trouble, so my dad dropped her off and I was going to take her home. Out of concern for W's feelings, I decided I would have S out on the driveway for the pick-up so W would not have to face my mom (she has commented how awkward this would be for her). She calls from up the road, I take S and his stuff out and tell him Mommy will be here soon. S asks if Mommy will be parking in the garage (more on that later), and I say (brightly, much more brightly than I feel) that Mommy is going to take him to see MIL and her dog (which he loves). S gets real sad, like a switch was thrown, and says "Mommy belongs at (MIL's) house now. She doesn't belong here because she doesn't need us anymore". Ouch.
So, my questions to you, friends and neighbors, is: Do I tell W? Am I obligated to, or do I just chalk this up to the inevitable pain my beloved son will be forced to go through in this process? If I do tell her, how do I go about it?
Please let me know your thoughts, though I think I already know the answers.
Anyway, some other highpoints from my current sitch: -Almost 2 weeks ago W mentioned that she would need some money for bills (she has always handled the finances, largely against my wishes), and I of course said no problem. Haven't heard any more about it, and the first of the overdue notices started showing up today. -After my talk with SFIL, MIL has done an extreme 180. During today's 10am call to S, she kept me on the phone for 15 minutes like we were the best of friends. I'm really, really worried about this. -Despite my best efforts to avoid spoiling S, I just feel like the kid is being put through hell, so I often do anything within reason to show him a good time when we are together. This weekend the weather was lousy, so on Sunday when he asked to go to his favorite restaurant, I said sure. Well, the manager there is a very attractive young woman that I have noticed on several occasions. Apparently, GAL'ing made me worth noticing, because everytime I looked around she was staring at me. When an opportunity presented itself, I complimented here hair (which had changed since we were last there), just for giggles more than anything. I may have read too much into it, but her response was somewhat gratifying to me. Seems like nothing, I know, but it was nice to share a brief moment with someone. I'll try not to get carried away.
Alright, I guess that is enough of a jumbled mess for one post. I've still got some details to fill in, as promised, but I hope this is enough to get you all started on ripping me
P.S. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, what's with the long face?"
Hello there walkingcliche. I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the way of advice on the situation but just wanted to let you know I really feel for you on how hard that how to be to hear S say that. I'm not sure just how you could go about letting her know in a way that won't be taken the wrong way.
I am glad though to hear that your GAL has been having some good results. I know what you mean about it being nice to share a brief moment with someone. Times like that really make you aware of just how much it is missed.
Me: 31; H: 30 Together 11y; M 8y H left: 2/1/07 My Thread 1st Thread
Don’t read into the potty training thing too much, the kids have accidents. I’m really learning to just not get upset over spilled milk.
Hey they W offering “anything” is a step, sure it isn’t home and perfect marriage, but who has that. I know a whole board full of people who don’t. Don’t take it so rough. Oh man sorry about what S said, somebody is not talking to him right and that needs to stop. I would approach as I mentioned before, cool, calm and collected and work as a group to a mutual decision.
You know it sounds as if W and MIL are really trying to make an effort. They could express it better if that is the case, but I would think those are good baby steps. But I stick with what I said about the S, he didn’t choose this. I would start with W, tell her what he said, whatever she says don’t lose your cool. Tell her when you start that for the moment you want to push all of your R stuff to the side, and this is more important then that, and it is.
Good bits, Atlas. I hope we can get to a point of working together, but for now the ball is still pretty much in her court.
Problem is, I have always been the "pusher" in our R, and I'm not sure that she knows how to move things forward. Oh, well: She's going to have to learn or this thing really will be over.
Little more background, since I've got a minute: Early on (pre-DR), I disabled her garage door to prevent her entering the house without my knowledge (wounded human here, I admit it). Going back on it now seems kind of counter-productive, but S is obsessed about "Mommy's broken garage". He's a smart kid, but a kid nonetheless, so I think that is as close as he can come to pointing to the real problem. He keeps asking me to fix it, and I keep telling him that we can do it together if we keep trying. I hope I'm right.
Follow-up from the last thread: W has been listening to some real downer music for a long time (mostly provided by OM and her circle of "friends"). I had kind of given up on music as she was always that person in our relationship. After she left, I found music again, with a passion. I got into soul/rb, what they call "grown folks music" as an unplanned 180, and gave her copies of a couple of the better CDs I had discovered in the genre. Certainly some messaging going on, but really upbeat/hopeful stuff. W seemed to really dig it, and I think this was another one of the turning points away from her total scorched earth strategy. Anywho, I had brought it up some time ago, but finally gave her a copy of a CD on Saturday by an artist who usually fronts for one of her favorite bands. Let me tell you, this was a very risky move.
I did not lie, though: I really dig the CD. The messaging is a little less subtle, and it is certainly not upbeat, but I think (hope) we have entered the phase of really "dealing with the issues that drove us apart in the first place", and this one is dead on target. The hope is, since she still has a hard time listening to me, maybe she will listen to the CD. She still hasn't mentioned it, and I have not brought it up, but I'm pretty sure she has listened to it.
Probably shot myself in the foot, but no risk, no reward. Right?
P.S. Thanks for your thoughts, RJ. Keep looking for those moments.
Further evidence of her infidelity arrived today, from a source that she knows I have access to. Probably intentional.
Also, some further evidence that she has broken off the R with OM, but who knows?
Last night I had 3 hours of "parenting time" with S. Had a great time, when I got back to MIL's to drop him off W was not home yet. Light attempt by MIL to get me to stay was easily deflected, as I was leaving W was heading into the neighborhood. Blinked my lights at her, I believe she wanted to talk (rolled her window down, came to nearly a complete stop), I smiled and waved, just kept rolling. I mean, hey, she did have a car behind her, and she does know my cell number.
I'm getting really close to my limit. I want to try and draw her out and see what in the hell is going on, but I'm confused. I've gone dark, but nothing like she has (and always has been).
Maybe she wants to investigate a reconciliation but is too afraid of all the bad stuff that will have to be dealt with along the way. Maybe she is just looking for an opening to stick the knife in a little deeper. Maybe she's found a new guy already. Damn it, I just don't know.
If nothing happens this weekend, I'm afraid I will be at the lawyer's on Monday. Yes, I know this is weakness on my part, but enough is enough.
I did not do very well, I admit. The word "whore" may have come up a time or two. She claims to be dedicated to the idea of a divorce, despite her continued actions to the contrary. She is also still planning on going to see OM next week, so I guess the rumors of break-up were a bit overblown (I still think something happened, but oh well).
I tried the "5 the hard way", but I could not get her to come around to my thinking. It did kind of rattle her, though. I think.
Tough love all around. I gave not an inch. As we left it, she can get on the plane and come back to an absolutely brutal divorce, including putting her former lover on the stand and destroying her current OM's relationship with his kids, OR, she can break off all contact with OM, see a therapist of her chosing, and I will work with her to reach any resolution she desires.
I have no idea which way she will go, but I'm done messing around. I told her that I will not take S while she is gone, because I will not lie to him and I just can't tell him the truth.
I will be going to the lawyer on Monday, no matter what. I will not file until I am sure she got on the plane, but I will be ready to carry through on my promise. I told her we could build something great together, tried to teach her some of what I have learned about how marriages really work, but I doubt she bought any of it.
cliche 48 hr rule apply here? Any better in your own mind today?
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
DVA: I dunno. Had to work this morning, just got home. Gonna take a nap, then go to a crab boil with some friends. Ummm, Crab.
Rj: Thank you, dearheart. GAL isn't going too bad: I've got the above mentioned social activity tonight, have lost over 7 inches off my waist in less than 3 months (Though I never did quite reach my goal of 40lbs lost, I've started gaining again but in all the right places), I smile a lot, am closer to my parents tan I have ever been, and generally take pretty good care of myself.
As far as an update goes, I called W's cell phone for the 10am call with S. She did not sound at all happy, but I sure did. If I had to lay odds, this week will be hard: She will go see OM, I will sue for divorce with all the bells and whistles, and many, amny people will be irrevocably damaged by the process. But I will always know that I tried.
P.S. When I did the "5", she of course claimed that she felt like I was trying to control her. I stated that that was flatly ridiculous, as no one controls her but her, and I was merely trying to explain to her the consequences of her decisions. I know such a statement flies in the face of basic DBing, and that I may be more concerned with being right than I am with saving my marriage, but come on: She wants me to give her the house, full primary custody of my son, an "irreconcilable differences" divorce, and basically just disappear. Now, I ask you, who's trying to control who?
You can say no to all those things she is trying to get from you without filing for divorce. I am behind on your thread, but I recall from an earlier post that you were thinking for filing to shock her into her senses. That is trying to control her.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
