OK, this may have backfired on me. Here is how it went down: Immediately after dinner, the phone rings. It's her best friend (the one who has been helping her hide the affair from me). They talk for a while, then I hear WAW say: "OK, that sounds good, pick me up in an hour." Then she hangs up and says, "Do you have plans tonite?" Me: yes her: where are you going? me: out her: which car are you driving? <<Note: second q is about the car... HER car>> me: the Buick (the nice one) her: when will you be home? me: later her: when were you planning to tell me this? me: oh, I don't know, some time before I left. So I go upstairs to shower and change. I strip down naked and walk toward the bathroom to shower. She blocks the bathroom door. Me: OK, I don't really need to shower <<As I am getting dressed, she sees that I am putting on some decent clothes>>
Her: Does this mean you are moving forward? me: yes, I am moving forward into the closet <<Walk into closet>> her: no, I mean does this mean that you have gotten to a different place? me: yes, I am now in the closet... her: i guess this means you're ready <<by this time I am dressed>> me: yep, I am ready to go <<walking out the door>> her: no, I think this is good. you go on your date. i can see that you're accepting what's happening. this is good. me: You warned me once not to misinterpret your actions. I suggest you take your own advice <<prob a mistake to say this>> her: well, next time you go out, can you let me know in advance? her: <<As I am walking out>> have fun
I played 7-stud. I got down about $60 early, then ended up about $25. Rolled home around 1:00. I could see thru the windows they were all awake. So I went back to my car and slept until 3:00 (parked in the street). I know she was aware that I got home that late (I heard her stirring, checking the time - she sleeps in a different room). Plus, the 14 year old was up, and he grilled me about why I got home so late.
Next morning, no questions about where I was or what I did, or when I got home. Nothing.
I think this backfired. She thinks I went on a date, and have accepted the inevitability of the divorce. I fear that I may have hastened the D along by showing her that I have moved on. I understand the value of GAL and everything, but I think it was a mistake to go out last night (add to that a wicked hangover...). Somebody convince me I did the right thing... Mark
Going out to play cards is GAL. Spending 2 hours in the car to make it appear you were out later is definitely being deceitful.
If she has been taking off without notice, that's a problem. You doing the same doesn't make it better. If you are both going to spend time outside the home on your own, then you have to arrive at some kind of accomodation, advance notice, a schedule, something.
It is not a good message for your kids for the two of you to be racing to see who gets to go out and who is "stuck" with the kids.
That said, I think that the basic message was delivered loud and clear. If it gives her second thoughts, good. If not, then she was already gone.
Don't read too much into this. She could just be calling your bluff. "Oh you are going out? Doesn’t bother me" ya right. Maybe it did maybe it didn't but if it did she does not want you to know if it did bother her... Let it go. I do agree "racing to go out" is not good. In your sitch you need to let her know in advance. Don't do to her what you would not want her to do to you. You would like advanced notice also right?
Remember everybody sitch is different. What works for me may not work for you. The idea is to try something and if it works great. If not change it. I would advise maybe next time tell her the day before you are planning on going out tomorrow. You can't shut her out completely. If she asks where. If you just say "out" you are asking for a confrontation. If you say 'out with some friends" you answered her question with out really telling her anything. Say it happily, not sharply tone of voice is very important If she asked you the next day what did you do its "hung out with some friends". Also remember if she really didn't care she would not be asking you these questions.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Thanks for the advice LS, Mike & H. I agree that I should have given her advance notice. Does not matter because I doubt I will do it again. She is convinced that I went on a date and got laid, and this provides her proof that I will have a "soft landing" when she serves me with D papers.
Yes, Mike, she is indeed already gone. She is not having second thoughts. My going out on my own sent her the message that I have let her go completely, and she will likely file for divorce very soon, probably sooner than if I had not gone out last night.
It sounds like to me that your W is in MLC...not sure if you have heard this or researched it or not...I know my H was a lot like your W in the midst of his MLC...it was one crazy, painful, and wild ride...after nearly 6 yrs it is finally coming to an end...and I can happily state that we are now living together, no D is final (one is still pending, we go back to court in Sept), and things are finally coming together for us as a couple..I am even planning romantic getaway anniversary this year...he left just before our 25th...so maybe now that we are approaching our 28th and this has been a fairly good year thus far this would be a good time for our "25th" that we didn't get to have!
Hang in there...my H was not having second thoughts...at least not that he revealed...but now tells me that he did have them...wasn't really sure of anything during that time...
He is now being treated for depression...has gone through alcohol rehab...so things are getting back on track...something I couldn't see when I was stuck in the middle!
" She is not having second thoughts. My going out on my own sent her the message that I have let her go completely, and she will likely file for divorce very soon, probably sooner than if I had not gone out last night. "
Mark dude,
Self fufilling prophesy? When id you get your degree in mind reading? Trust me, NOTHING YOU DID RUSHED ANYTHING ALONG. You need to remember both of you are working on emotions right now. YES I said both of you. I see me in you 3 months ago. You are both reacting to each other.
"She is convinced that I went on a date and got laid, and this provides her proof that I will have a "soft landing" when she serves me with D papers. "
Do you think she really cares? If you do then you have a chance. If she was all hell bent on leaving you she would not care if you had a nervous break down. She would just want out. You did OK. Now you need to modify you tactic a little. No you should not stay home if you have plans just so she can go out. BUT if she does have plans and lets you know that’s another story. So next time at least the day before let her know you have plans and GO OUT..
Ok
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
She's not fine with it. She's trying hard to look "aloof".
You played it well.
It's fine to GAL. In my opinion, you didn't lie to her, you tried to deceive her intp thinking you went on a date.
She has no case that you slept with someone else. You can always tell the truth and tell her where you went. You don't need to share the part about staying in your car -- that's a litle pathetic. ;-)
Thanks for the feedback and support, everybody. Agree that sleeping two hours in the car was pathetic. I think it was an emotional reaction to the trip she took earlier in the week to see her lover. Still stinging a bit from that. She has no idea how close I came to throwing all of her clothes on the front lawn & telling the neighbors.
I know that she will (at some point) ask where I was that night. She is wondering, I am sure of it. When the time comes that I feel comfortable sharing, I will tell her that I went to the festival to play poker, had too much to drink, and slept in my car (all truthful statements).
Yes husband, I am confident that she does care how I will handle the divorce. But she says it's only because she does not want me to hate her in the future. Yes, I realize that she now treats me with absolute the contempt and disrespect, so her efforts are in vain. And I agree that she is telling me (and her lover) that she wants me to take being served well (wants me to be "emotionally ready" for the D), yet in fact she is scared to death of being on her own. I am convinced of this. She is actually hiding behind this. Yet, funny thing, I am the only one who can see that she is scared and hiding. "Mr. Wonderful" (her lover and dream man) cannot see it. Unbelievable.
One more thing. I think she is gonna pull it with me. She is going to tell me she is going out, and not tell me where she is going or when she will be home (yeah, I know it's immature, but it's her style). I will just act like I really don't care. I am prepared for this because, since I started DBing (about 8 weeks ago), I have not ever asked her where she has been, what she did, who she was with, etc. And she has not noticed this...
