One link at a time

[BeingMe]

I think I have figured what I want from my H, ultimately .... I can't forget the things he said about me to the OW (especially the one about pushing me aside if she had been at our wedding, and would've married her - note, he went to high school with her), until he has made the effort to make new, better memories that I can replace those awful things with. He has failed to do so, miserably.

Does that make sense? Perhaps I am expecting too much. I did ask to have another wedding (a renewal of our vows), but no go (and, Phoenix, you will probably understand why the church refused that request, preferring us to be sealed in the T, but I am not ready for that). It would've been great if we could've done that (as I wanted) before we moved here to the new city. He knew what I wanted, but he was so gung-ho, getting everything done to sell the house and move us out. I still wonder if it was to be nearer OW.

Oh well! I told him tonight that I am no longer going to waste my time trying to explain to him what my needs and expectations are. I think he knows (I have certainly told him enough times), but chooses to ignore. So, I think in time, it's going to be me moving on. Just got to get through my D20 giving birth in September, and then I will start sorting out the separation. Unless, something drastic happens, and my H has a huge epiphany, then I feel I am just wasting my time. If I can't even speak to my H about our sex life, for pete's sake, and other personal and private things, then what is the point in our being married?

I honestly don't think I really love him anymore. I sure don't trust him ... he has taken my love for granted, and devalues my feelings by ignoring them. I don't think I can piece for much longer.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling today. Maybe, tomorrow will bring more positive vibes my way, and who knows if he is capable of pulling some rabbit out of a hat. I have very little confidence that he will or could or wants to, but he has a little bit of time left, so we'll see. I am sad that my D14's going to be so disappointed. That breaks my heart the most.