Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

[LoginName]

OK, If anyone is still listening, I could use little support.

I did what I thought would be a good Idea. I invited my wife to a phone date (she's in Arkansas now, I'm in Colorado). She accepted. I purposefully didn't plan too much to say or what topics, but I knew I would stay away from R talk and stay positive. I was hoping to focus on her, and what she is doing. I wanted to be a good listener, and be as good of a 'date' as I could be over the phone, to a women who won't or can't say ILY. I also set a time limit of about 15 minutes.

Trying to be totally objective, I think it went pretty well. Yes, I wanted her to say she missed me, like I miss her - but she didn't. Yes, I wanted to feel or hear some more love - but didn't (unless it was so small and subtle that an objective person would have said it didn't exist, only a hopeful one like me would see anything in it.).

But when we were done, and I hung up, I felt terrible. If I didn't have to keep a brave face in front of my kids, I would have gone to bed and cried.

If she doesn't love me, can't she just let me go? It would be extremely painful if she said she didn't want me, but then at least I'd know, and I could move on. Why is she teasing me like this? Why is she stringing me along?

Part of my brain says it's because it's not over yet, that there is still a chance. What a lot of pressure that is! There is still a chance if I don't mess it up! I can't win, but I can sure lose. Only she can win. She gets to choose.

Fock it. I'm still in the game. I'll keep playing. But to h@ll with it. Damn her, damn this whole situation.

damn