CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

[waw1978]

CVA sorry you are having a tough time with your D11. My parents split when I was that age and it is tough becaue she is like a little adult and fully aware of all that's happening and probably uncertain and scared. A Dad date night would probably work like magic in restoring your relationship, just find something you two could do together...like others suggested movies, shopping, ice cream...mini golf...bowling. Ask her what she would like to do. Make a night and try to get one in every week if you can.

I know that my Dad & I had a night once a week that he would take me to my 4-H club (horses of course) and then when he picked me up we would go have a pizza at the same place. This went on for years. Until we discovered a mutual love for Melrose Place then we would sit home, pop some corn and watch our favorite night soap together. Now we spend every Friday night at his social club meat raffle (I know reallly exciting stuff here) These are the best nights of my life!

Ironically, I am now at 29 moving back in with Dad and he is all excited because one of the cable stations reruns Melrose. He asked if we could make a night and watch like we used too. Except now I think we will be having cocktails instead of popcorn.

I hope you find some common ground. I know its not easy my 4 year old is hating me right now.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks WAW. D and I really have a lot of love between us. We are very affectionate toward each other. It is so much "easier" to do boy stuff and w/ 3 boys, they are so agressive about wanting my attention they tend to get it more!

Journaling on the plane!
S9 called me while W was out at the store. Asked me "how were your meetings dad, were they good meetings?, how did they go!!!". Wow, he knows in his heart how much it means to me to just ask me how my day went. He is going out of his way to make me feel good, not really caring what the answer is, just because he loves his Dad!

After talking w/ the boys, daughter was busy, I called W to see how the day went not knowing if i would have a chance to talk to her at all before it got too late after flying around. Ok, I shouldnt have called her, but I did. Upbeat convo, nothing big at all as she was at the store.

I landed in Montreal on my way to
Calgary and after a delay, thought i would call and talk to D11 and say goodnight. W answers and says "hi? I thought you were on a plane?". They were eating dinner. A little chitchat w/ kids and W gets on the phone again. Here is where I did not do as good a job as last night. She gets back on because her BFF was calling and said she needed to call her back. I guess I was unclear she needed to do it quickly. Apparently, BFF was going to come over for dinner w/ her kids. This is the strange part. She first says that BFF is not coming over cuz BFF's kids had not had a nap. So I am confused, why the big rush to call her back? I make the mistake of asking her if she is intersted in how it went today? I know bad idea. She says the dreaded "I guess, i need to call BFF back"/ read, no not really, my friend is more important than you!. At this point I finally get it and say "ok, have a good night. Bye". Stupid interaction on my part. I guess i am still longing for something to come from her but my stupidity about the sitch gets in the way. Won't happen again.

I am sure she felt "pressure" to respond to me in a positive light and i really think most of her non-response is not deliberate, just that she dealing with kids and that is how she is. She actually has to "work" to ask about others so...and right now i am not high on the priority list anyway.

I am in Calgay and Vancouver tomorrow and going to take the red-eye back to Htown as i really want to see the kids Saturday and if i dont také the red-eye, i wont be back till late afternoon.

I guess i could think of worse places to fly to, Vancouver is beautiful.

My plan for next week is to do something with each kid individually one night at a time. I know for sure that it will be big to them. When D and did a father daughter night out at our Church it was very important inher memory (and mine). It was 4 yrs ago and she still has the card from that night on her bookshelf!

How stupid have i been for not doing this all along, not treating my wife like the piece of fine china that she is, and acting like the world revolves around me. All the pain i was in is no excuse, just a lame reason i used to rationalize my ranting and raving. Well, working on all that now!

Cva out

[SunnySeason]

Hi CVA,

A quick check in before I call it a day.

I guess i am still longing for something to come from her but my stupidity about the sitch gets in the way. Won't happen again.

We all make this error, even when we're determined not to do it again. It looks like your W responds much better when you don't however.

most of her non-response is not deliberate, just that she dealing with kids

In many of your posts I catch myself thinking your W sounds overwhelmed w/children duties. I know for myself, it was much easier to work outside the home than parent children, no matter how much love you have for them. When you say she "actually has to work to ask about others", I'm thinking, well...yeah, she's taking care of & doing for others all the time. She seems a little burned out in any case.

It's my guess that acknowledging that would go a long way. At least it would for me.

How stupid have i been for not doing this all along, not treating my wife like the piece of fine china that she is, and acting like the world revolves around me. All the pain i was in is no excuse, just a lame reason i used to rationalize my ranting and raving. Well, working on all that now!

Wow, this is great CVA!! I have to say though, being in pain w/your neck injury/fusion is a tough one. It's difficult for everyone to be level & balanced when you're suffering.

Your kids sound great, enjoy your time w/them next wkend.

Best,
Sunny

[Gone Dancin']

Won't happen again.

Okay, CVA -- Now I'm going to hold this statement over your head . You must give W that space, brotha! Give her time to consider you, how you're doing, what you're up to, etc, and avoid shoving it at her. When we continue to push in this way, I see it as trying to force feed a child who is already stuffed. If you keep it up, they'll never get hungry again, may hate the food, and even vomit it back onto you (great analogy, huh?).

Great idea to do individual things with each of your kids next week. That should remind them how much you love each and every one of them. Cute story about your Father/Daughter Church night and the fact that D still has the card out on her bookshelf! Yep, she still loves you tons and obviously valued that one-on-one time with you...

Take care and stay focused on what you're supposed to be doing, no matter how hard it is!

GD

[Not Much Left]

Thanks GD
Knew that was coming. Please, everyone hold me to it cuz this weekenf will be tough when i want to talk about what happened this week.

Question; if i take the red eye, would be inclined to go over to the house early, the more i think about it the more i think i should just get there mid mng as tough as that will be, thoughts???

[waw1978]

Hey CVA!

Sounds like a solid plan for the kids next week, and yes, they will all love a their one on one with Dad.

Follow your gut on this. If you have doubts about showing up right away, just wait a bit. I know you will be tempted to go the house first thing, but you should probably get some rest and head over later in the morning. I know you miss your children, and this would be my first instinct too. If you wait, you will be a more clearheaded CVA and better be able to deal with your W in a productive way. I know right off a red eye I am nearly incoherent and would not be thinking clearly. Don't want to have a backslide due to exhaustion.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks so much waw. Will do and probably will check in later tonight after all my mewetings
How are u doing, have not gotten to your thread yet

CVA

[Nomopo]

Hey CVA. Sorry I have had so little time. I wil catch up soon, but just wanted to let you know I am around.

Nomo

[new_attitude]

How stupid have i been for not doing this all along, not treating my wife like the piece of fine china that she is, and acting like the world revolves around me. All the pain i was in is no excuse, just a lame reason i used to rationalize my ranting and raving.

I can totally relate to this statement. It's so hard not to keep kicking myself about what a selfish, childish imbecile I was. At least we have recognized it and are doing our best to change.

[Gone Dancin']

Originally Posted By: CVA
How stupid have i been for not doing this all along, not treating my wife like the piece of fine china that she is, and acting like the world revolves around me. All the pain i was in is no excuse, just a lame reason i used to rationalize my ranting and raving.

I can totally relate to this statement. It's so hard not to keep kicking myself about what a selfish, childish imbecile I was. At least we have recognized it and are doing our best to change.

I'm in this boat with you guys. It's hard to forgive ourselves for screwing things up so back and hurting our Ws the way we did and for so long. However, forgive we must, because it is difficult to move on if we continue to relive that past us. The C that I saw for 3 months after my W left back in November once told me that I have to "own my mistakes, and release them." It took a little while for me to realize the good this does, but I finally understood (guess I wasn't ready to release them yet -- needed to grief over them still). I still wince from time to time over them, but I just remind myself to own and release, and it gets better fast.

Here's to forgiving ourselves and movin' on!

GD