coping with abstinence???

[SallyM]

Being around men or smelling certain after shaves drove me to the point that I thought I would/could have a one night fling.

Just for the sake of understanding and clarity, we need to know what brand of after shaves you are referring to?

lol, I can't remember the name offhand, but omg, H has a cologne that literally melts me. Its amazing, we got it on vacation somewhere, its not one I've seen around here at all. It is so good I refuse to share it with OW...I hid it, so when H moved out, it was nowhere to be find. that is mine, dammit. he is not allowed to smell like that around her.

[SallyM]

thanks for the support, all. honestly, its like a kick in the gut for me. I am dealing with all the crap, even though he says its hard for him. as hard as this may be for him (according to him), he has OW to hold him and love him. he has someone. and even though he does, I can't, not until I know my marriage is over. it sucks so much.

[Mr_Indecisive99]

morgan,

you've been reading my thoughts.

[mkultra]

I know. This sounds awful but the way you feel about the scent is the way I feel about my S2. I win automatically because your progyny has my eyes! Is that sick and twisted? Also, every time he takes off his shirt my name is tatooed on him. But it is that old Patsy Cline song. "I've got your pictures, but she's got you." I still feel like I win with the S2 though. You do too. We are in the same boat in many ways. I hope I am as poised as you when that M bomb drops on me.

[Karen58]

morgan,

I rarely get over to this bb (I'm on MLC), but was just browsing and your thread caught my eye b/c this is something I've been dealing w/ for 3 years now since H left, we are D now but I can't imagine sex w/ someone else while H is in my heart, which he still very much is (plus being Catholic adds another layer). Drives me crazy that H is missing my "frisky 40s" and that I seem to want/ think about the physical stuff so much now . . ..

Anyway -- the touch thing -- H left very abruptly (for good) and one of the things I didn't realize at the time was how much the sudden absence of touch (even non-sexual touch) was affecting me and how desperately I needed it. I must have a guardian angel b/c by a fluke I tried ballroom dancing after a couple months -- it definitely filled a need, I could be held and touched in a safe, non-threatening way that felt great. I highly recommend it for anyone who's feeling cut off physically but isn't interested in OP. There are other benefits as well -- exercise is one, and for me at that time in my life when I felt worthless b/c the person who had thought the most of me had walked away, being forced to watch myself in a mirrored wall for an hour at a time forced me to remember some good things about myself and get back to feeling like a whole person again. You also meet a lot of people and it is just good, clean FUN.

That was about 3 years ago, I still wrestle w/ the celibacy issue and yeah, some colognes are killer, but dance is my sublimation of choice and I'm not stopping any time soon!

-- Karen

[NDDT]

Uhhhh, I thought I read somewhere in the DR book, that it is ok to spend some "quality" time with other people practicing DB techniques. To take care of mutual needs, and take the edge off....
After all we are here to help each other right!???

(ok please realize I am just being humerous here....uhh, I think...lol)

[Reincarnated]

This is so tough for me, too. One of the reasons I got a puppy back in April--just to cuddle and touch (NO, nothing sexual!!)

But I still dream of him...even after discovering the PA. Dreams turn to nightmares turn back to dreams. I miss his touch so much. He is the only one I have ever held, kissed, been with...I look around me, now, and actually see men for the first time (I just never really noticed that much). And I have not been attracted to any of them. Even remotely.

Drakkar is his cologne. And the email I found from CW was all about how good he smelled, how good he felt...

OK, now I'm just pissing myself off. Time to take a cold shower.

[SallyM]

don't think ballroom dancing will quite cut it for me, but I can see how the contact could be nice. who knows, maybe I'll change my mind. but don't you need a partner for it?

NDDT, lol, wouldn't it be nice to have a f-buddy? seriously? no strings, no repurcussions, no affect on M? but that is such a pipe dream, there is no such thing (not w/o consequences, anyway) is there? would make a hell of a support group. the all encompassing support group! hee.

Donna, I think what is funny for me is that my fantasies now are almost exclusively about H. prior to that, I'll admit my mind wandered a bit...not for reality, but just for a safe way to have someone different (having someone, but not really). does that make sense? but now, they are all about H.

[klm]

morgan, that completely makes sense to me. I can also admit that my mind would wander before. But now all fantasies are about H. I am also craving this physical interaction, but I would never find it with someone else. I want to work this out and that will not help anything.

[SallyM]

the problem for me is that I really am losing hope that my M will be saved. I am. I don't see how it can. which means, unless I want to be celibate for life (oh god no, please, I've been punished enough), I will need to move on sooner or later in that department. no, the time isn't right right now, but in the future I certainly hope there will be acceptable options for me.

will be curious if the H fantasies will fade in time...either when I am(ahem)on my own, or whether I do eventually find someone else. hopefully they will. or, if by some bizarre change of events, H and I do reconcile, if they continue with him.