WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing

[waw1978]

Journaling:

The last couple of nights have been somewhat lonely for me. When I do not have D4 I have been staying at my Mom’s and there is not much to do there. My girlfriends met for coffee on Wednesday night at an outdoor café. For the first time in years I was able to spur of the moment say “Sure, be right there”. Needless to say we were all tickled that I could make it without 3 weeks advance notice to the H. I kid you not. It used to take me mentioning it repeatedly to soften him up. Then I would still get the stinkeye from him for days after the outing. This was a real eye opener. How could I have put up with that for so long?

It turned out to be a great night. Had some espressos and dessert and then headed home to my Mom’s. I was extremely thankful for having something different to do. I guess this is part of me GAL’ing.

Last night was a different story. Again, not my night with D4. It was H’s turn and he said he was taking her to the movies right after he got home from work. I thought they would be at their movie when I would normally arrive home so I didn’t plan on stopping at home before I went to my Mom’s. I get a call from H wanting to know where I was and why I hadn’t stopped at home. I explained I didn’t go to the house because I didn’t think D4 would be there and what was the point of driving 40 minutes out of my way? Turns out they didn't end up going to the movie afterall. Then he didn't think it was a good idea to let D4 talk to me on the phone. SO I just said fine whatever. Tomorrow is my night so I guess I will just see her/talk to her then. Needless to say I didn’t like him checking up on me and felt that this was again an intrusion on my personal freedoms. As far as not letting me talk to D4, I hope this is not a preview of how our interactions regarding her will be.

My depression has become a real problem mostly due to the turbulent MC session last week where we confronted his belief that I am bad mother & the lack of physical relationhip. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I get more hopeless every day. Last night’s call from H just pushed me further away. We have MC tomorrow and honestly I don’t know if I want to continue. I have been despondent since last weeks MC session and am really afraid of how awful tomorrow will be. I know I should keep going to the sessions but it seems that I am getting more hurt during the process. I wonder if we should stop until I feel ready to continue. Any thoughts? I really like the MC so that’s not the issue and he is very supportive of H & I trying to find common ground and balance.

On a positive note tonight is my weekend night with D4. Think we will go to her favorite restaurant and then hit the craft store so we can do a project together when we get home. Weird but now I only get to see her every other or every second night I feel like our time together has to be more productive than just hanging out at homr together.

[stewart10]

I don't know how to quote so this is the best way I could do it:

"It turned out to be a great night. Had some espressos and dessert and then headed home to my Mom’s. I was extremely thankful for having something different to do. I guess this is part of me GAL’ing."

-Glad to hear that your GAL'ing activities are keeping you happy. Sometimes it is nice to get out and do something different. A change of pace can go along way, at least for me.

"I get a call from H wanting to know where I was and why I hadn’t stopped at home. I explained I didn’t go to the house because I didn’t think D4 would be there and what was the point of driving 40 minutes out of my way? Turns out they didn't end up going to the movie afterall. Then he didn't think it was a good idea to let D4 talk to me on the phone. SO I just said fine whatever."

-I don't get this. He tells you that he is going to be taking her to movies right after work, and when you don't show up he calls you to give you a hard time. Then on top of it he doesn't think it would be a good idea to let your D talk to you???? I don't know how you kept your cool on this one. He is not in a position to dictate when it would be a good time for you to speak to your daughter. I think you have to make that very clear to him.

"We have MC tomorrow and honestly I don’t know if I want to continue. I have been despondent since last weeks MC session and am really afraid of how awful tomorrow will be. I know I should keep going to the sessions but it seems that I am getting more hurt during the process."

-If you think that the MC are helping you and your H, I would stick with it. I think your last session, your H started to see the light a little bit.


"I wonder if we should stop until I feel ready to continue. Any thoughts? I really like the MC so that’s not the issue and he is very supportive of H & I trying to find common ground and balance."

-It is good that you found a supportive MC. I hope that my W and I are just as lucky.

[Heimlich]

WAW,

I'm glad that you've realized that your H was controlling you and you're breaking away. My first step-dad was that way toward my Mom and you don't want your D growing up in that type of M and thinking that's normal.

That said, I would encourage you to continue the C. It sounds like you still have feelings for your H and at least by going to the MC and giving it a chance, you won't look back a year or two years from now and wonder "what if?"

I'd also like to thank you for writing out what you wanted to hear from your H. I told my W a very close approximation of that last Sunday. Nice to know I was on target from someone with similar feelings as my W.

Hang in there and keep having fun. If you're MC has pointed out to your H that he is controlling, maybe you could ask if it would be beneficial for you to point out his behavior as he does it? Just a thought.

Hang in there,

BD

[waw1978]

Thank you gentleman for your insight. I often need to see thigns from my H's side to get a better perspective.

I am going to keep up with the MC (however painful) because I never want to look back and wonder "what if". Thank you for reminding me of this.

I will always love my H. But getting over the hurts, anger, and betrayal is difficult. I am def not in love with him anymore but I hope that someday I can be again.

Okay gents. I am off for the weekend. Maybe I can figure out how to post from home but if not I will post after the weekend. Hope everyone does some really great GAL things and enjoys themselves

[Heimlich]

Enjoy yourself as well. And have a great weekend.

BD

[sandi2]

Hi WAW1978, I know what you are going through. I had one foot out the door ready to leave. I think my husband is in denial also. We have tried to talk, but he doesn't see he has failed "that much". He feels like he has done everything he has known to do....according to him. I asked him about talking to a MC, but he won't do it. I don't know...it get's really discouraging. I noticed you said something in one of your posts about your feelings...or lack of them...for your H. I am going through that myself. Having a very hard time feeling the positive things I should be feeling for the man I am married to. Have no sexual desire for him. Not attracted to him at all. Feel more like he is my brother instead of H. Is this the way you feel?

I have been reading a lot and hearing about other people getting divorced, etc. It seems like it's all saying the same things that I just stated. So, it must be a very common problem. Surely, someone knows what to do about it. I think we want our M to work, but it is hard when you don't have the "energy" to put forth all the hard work it takes. Guess that sounds like an excuse. I know when we want something...really want it...we have the energy. So, maybe it is because I know I "should" want it and am doing it because I know I SHOULD! I have always been taught to do what is "right"...and I know to stay in the M is the right thing to do. That doesn't make my heart want to follow.

I'm not trying to pull you down and hope it doesn't sound that way at all. I am trying to see if you have the same struggles about this as I do. Were you involved with OM? I started out reading your story and got behind. Plus, I've read so many stories, they all start blurring together.

Well, I was in an EA with OM over internet. I know, it's disgusting! But, that added to my struggles with healing in the M. I am trying to get over my emotional feelings for OM and get on with my MR. It's tough! I always thought I was a strong person until this happened and then I found out just how weak a person I really am! I am disgusted with myself. I have tried to forgive myself for the EA, but it's these blasted "feelings" that keep hanging on that is causing my problems now. If I could feel as numb to the OM as I do toward my H, I would be better off. Crazy, isn't it? Never thought I would see myself in this boat!

Well, just wanted to chat with you for a while. Hope things get better for you soon. Let me hear from you.

Sandi2

[waw1978]

hey Sandi

Thank you reading through all of this. I was trying to find your thread to catch up on yours but wasn't sure which one it was. Let me know so I can read up on your sitch.

I found your comment about staying M being the "right thing to do". I used to think this way as that as how I was raised. But the longer I go to MC and post on this website and read M help books I am starting to realize that doing anything for the sake of doing "the right thing" isn't always for the best. The right thing for you is different from the right thing for someone else. I know for me, I cared way too much about what others thought and that made me not take the appropriate actions (leaving etc) sooner which probably made my situation worse in the long run.

As for the relationship with the OM. No its not disgusting. You are human being, we all make mistakes, or take an unexptected path from time to time. If you are really through with this OM then try and forgive yourself for that transgression. But if you really cannot commit to making your M work with your H then you probably need to find out why (unless you already know). Cause sticking around and trying to make things work cause its "the right thing" isn't going to work in the end if you heart is not in it. You need to want to make the marriage work because its what you want.

I still love my H and want things to work but my frustration is that I can't force myself to feel things that I just don't. I keep wising that there will be sufficient change in his behaviours that will make me feel love for him again...but so far that hasn't happened.

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Friday night had a fabulous night with D4. We went bowling and played video games. We both had a ball.

Saturday was the bad day of the weekend. Why? MC appt that I was dreading all week. Apparently for good reason. Talked about H thinking I am a bad mother. This has haunted me all week. How does he respond? By criticizing my parenting skills. The C had a field day with this. H got blasted again. I swear the man is emotionally retarded. That’s what’s going to make me love you again buddy. “gee, I am really upset you think I am a bad parent…why yes I do” Lovely. Needless to say that was another one of the most miserable hours of my life. He brings up that he was too concerned about making everyone else in his life happy (ie his mother, father, sister, daughter). I asked when he stopped caring about making me happy? No response. Nice huh?

Tell me again why I am doing all of this?

I leave there feeling like I would rather jump off the tallest bridge I can find rather than continue with the MC. H finds me at home just as I started to collect myself and insists on talking about the session even after I tell him that I don’t want to talk about it. But he is insistent so I said fine, you talk but I have nothing more to say to you. He goes on and on about how all the things I am bringing up is coming out of left field, nothing like having your feelings be disregarded as baseless, part of the reason we are in this mess is his denial of how I feel. After he is done I tell him that I do not want to talk about the R unless it’s in an MC session. Period. He storms out saying “I guess I am the only one trying to save this M”.

Went to a BBQ Sat night only to find a well meaning friend had told some of the gents there that I was separating and needed to have a “good time” Maybe if I were divorced this would be appropriate and probably welcomed but it was ill timing on her part and made the evening rather awkward as I had to ward off advances. I left early…so much for trying to GAL activity for the weekend.

Sunday was another great day with D4. Took her to my grandmothers birthday party. Got to see her interacting with her other cousins her age. Really great day. Ended by getting the evil eye from H for keeping her until her bedtime. Apparently he only had lunch plans and expected that she be home by 4 but never told me this so I didn’t know. I also called both of his phones to tell him I keeping her for dinner so he wouldn’t worry and he never bothered to call me back to tell me this wasn’t what he had in mind. Too bad for him. It was my day, not his. Get used to it. He needs to start GAL. He has a new motorcycle that he had to buy as soon as all of this started. I was hoping this would help him GAL and start living a little bit but no not really working out that way.

After these horrible exchanges with him I am thinking about moving forward with a full blown separation. Moving out, no more MC and getting a legal separation agreement to protect myself and rights to my daughter. No more dicking around. He doesn’t get it. Doesn’t look like he will be tuning in any time soon and I am not going to wait around for him to have this epiphany. I just can’t do it anymore and I am starting to hate him. The one thing I really was trying to avoid and its happening.

Maybe someday he will get his head out of the clouds and realize that how I feel is important.

Hope everyone else had a lovely weekend!

[Not Much Left]

Hey WAW
Sorry it went this way. I have read thru your comments "carefully" and the one thing i see is that you WON'T talk to him because why again?, he is just self centered and wont listen? Or you cant get out what YOU want to say? Just not clear i guess. that is our problem, my W just wont talk to me about the R at all because she feels like she cant, which is crap.

I am not in your head, but if you are willing to just pitch it all, why not just say "look pal, here is the deal, here is how I feel, if you would shut up and listen we might get somewhere, if not we are done". Seems to us LBS's you hold all the cards so what does it hurt? it does not get any better with him if you take the Separation/ Divorce route so why not? It hurts too much? Just say it, it can only get better from here so again, why not?

[waw1978]

Hey CVA

I am not talking to him outside of C because we seem to be getting no where. Its toxic and does more harm than good. He does not take my feelings seriously and disregards them. Because he does not see a problem, hence there is no problem. These things are "all in my head". So I guess I see no point in discussing since he refuses to validate my feelings/complaints. Maybe if there was some validation on his part I would want to discuss but since there isn't, these confrontations are just digression. Trying my best to move forward so I feel that limiting R discussion to MC only would be best at this point.

I have told him repeatedly, that I need time & space to get over all the hurt. As one of my pals indicated, I do not stay angry with anyone forever. It just takes time. I figure it took me at least 2-3 years to get this disgusted with him, it may take half that time to get over it. He just isn't in the same place as most of you LBS here and I have serious doubts that he will have the "getting it" ephiphany any time soon. He refuses to read any of the books I have and on some level I wonder if he isn't just goading me into leaving since he doesn't want to be the "bad guy".

We have serious control issues. He needs to control me, and I cower and let him. So maybe I do hold all the cards but it doesn't feel that way. It still feels like he is running the show.