H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

[SallyM]

Max, your post made me cry. seriously. or maybe its just that I'm deep in wallow mode. I just don't understand how H can be this person, how he can be doing this. Its like I meant nothing to him. we weren't just married, we were best friends. I don't deserve how he's treating me, and I don't understnad it. I need to stop focusing on him. I know that, but still, its hard. I need to not only seem to GAL, I need to do it, I need to move forward. and I feel pathetic that I even want him considering how he has treated me the last few months. but I do. and I need not to, and I don't want to not want him, so that really is a catch 22, isn't it? I don't know how they can be so callous, our spouses.

hope you are having an okay day. I spent today with my brit friend, btw, and wondered how you were doing.

BT, thanks for your words of wisdom. so sorry about your D, I really am. its not what any of us signed up for, is it? I'm still hoping my M has a chance, although I think there is a part of me that understands that there isn't really one. will try to live by those words...I'm not going to let him change who I am. don't get me wrong, there were things I didn't like about myself, things I'd let go of due to just getting preoccupied with family stuff, and those things I willingly change, whether he is with me or not. but I'm generally speaking a really upbeat, fun person. I feel like this is dragging me down a black hole, turning me into a person who cries and feels sorry for herself constantly. that is not who I am or who I want to be, so I have to fight it. I have to find my strength and hold onto it.

it all just hurts so much right now. I know I need to be myself, be strong and independent and so forth, but the reality is that every step closer I get to really being that, in other words making it instead of faking it, I know I am further away from him, that its one step cloesr to the end.

I miss my H so much. I miss being held. I miss the comfort and the love. I am so blessed with my children...they love me and hug me and kiss me and tell me how much they love me and make me feel like a rock star. and I love them so much I ache. but its not the same as having strong arms wrap around me. its not the same as feeling so secure and so loved in a way only a spouse can.

okay, sorry to blather on. I'm a big blubbery mess. he just left with them and dammit, fridays suck. at least I don't let him see that. I was busy and perky and oh so myself when he came.

well, off to wash my face then get a pedicure. off to NYC tomorrow for a girls weekend. hopefully will snap out of this dark mood and just have fun.