Why is that? Why is it that any talk of the relationship PUSHES them further away? I know this is my POV and I'm not expecting her to abide by it, but if you have a problem, how do you solve it by running away and not talking about it? OK, she's hurt, VERY HURT, and I caused a lot of it. I'm taking my reponsibility, I'm being a man about it. I'm not angry, I'm not blaming her, I simply think being together JUST a little bit can help smootht things over, OVER TIME. I'm not expecting an overnight miracle, I know there is work to do. What is it in the WAS that doesn't allow them to want to work on things? Is it that they think they already did? Even though there wasn't a team effort? Even though the decision to D was unilateral? What is there to lose in talking things over for a while, letting things settle, getting over the anger and pain, helping each other rather than letting the pain fester?
I know there may not be an answer to all these, and it's different for all WAS's perhaps, at least in level of magnitude. I'd just like to better understand my wife and she won't share much so I'm looking for clarification elsewhere right now. Maybe one of these days she'll let me in...
Here is how my counselor described it. Think of it as a bill collector. The collector keeps calling, but you don't have any money. Maybe some day you will, but right now, talking to the collector just reminds you how much your just not making it right now. You tell the collector, hey, I have no money, and I don't know when I will, I'll let you know when I do. The collector calls the next day, several times a day.
Do you want to talk to the collector? Hell no. You just told that guy that you can't do anything right now. But no, he is going to call anyway as if you can make money magically appear. All that is happening now is you are getting frustrated and pissed off. The collector is just doing his job, it is your debt, but there is nothing you can do about it right now. You might be trying, and you might not. One thing is for sure, you have nothing to say that the collector wants to hear. The collector is going to keep offering alternatives, pay this or pay that. But you can't. So this just keeps adding to your guilt, every time you talk to the collector, it just makes you feel worse because you can't give the collector what he wants right now, and maybe never will be able to.
After while what happens?
You start avoiding his calls. Maybe you change your number. Maybe you let it go to voicemail. Maybe if you answer, you just say what he wants to hear so he will leave you alone.
Eventually, if the pressure is too great, you declare bankruptcy. You don't want to, but it's a way of escape at least from this pressure. Now the collector can't call any longer. The problems still exist but at least there is some temporary relief.
