Reality...Bite Me

[Dom R]

Well, has she always been selfish? There must have been some reason why you wanted to marry her? Is this really the person you married? I suspect not.

she is not the person I married. A question would be, will she ever be again? obviously, never completely the same, but at least regaining the positive qualities?

She used to (in her mind at least) always think of others, and me, before herself. She actually told me back then, that her view of marriage, was that the two people should always try to please each other first, and then they would both be happy.

However, after some years of my use of pornography, she started on the road to WAW-hood. I stopped with that, years ago, but by then, the walls were already up.
She now describes that period of her life as "naiive", and she has "grown up" now.

Unfortunately, she DID always treat me like this, in some respect. Everyone ELSE came before me. particularly her family. Can we go out this weekend? no, my aunt needs something.
Can we go out NEXT weekend? no, my grandmother needs something.
Our marriage was never made the #1 priority.

In her own family, she always put herself last, and worked on what everyone ELSE needed. and her mother encouraged that.
Unfortunately, when we married.. she put me on the level that she was on. Which is pretty much "at the bottom"; and the MIL encouraged her continued family servitude, rather than encouraging her to work on our marriage.

She's living WITH HER MOTHER right now. her parents remodeled the house to add on rooms for her. MIL wants "her baby" right under her wing. her mother wants her daugher as her primary companion, and to own our children, as "hers", I think. She never repected my place as their father. She would always do things with them that she knows I do not want for my children.

With her mother's additional negative influence, I'm not sure how my wife will ever really give our marriage an honest chance.
So it's that much extra difficult for me to keep optimistic.

I have been blessed with some teenytiny positive glimpses of caring from my wife, now and again. Trouble is, it's tough to hold on to them.... with all her repeated lies, and deceptions, and other behaviour... i cant be sure its not just a smokescreen.
Sad, that she values honesty so little.

She values "being trusted".. she has complained repeatedly, "I cant go back to you: there's No Trust!" Yet she refuses to acknowlege, that if a person wants trust... they have to act in a trustworthy fashion?!! She wants to be trusted, while simutaneously being free to lie to me?!??

On top of that.. she has a history of making agreements with me, for both of us to do things... but when she has securely grasped what she wanted out of it... she breaks the agreement and stops her side.

In some ways, our marriage itself is like that.
She got children, support through preschool years, PLUS legal rights to half of a nice chunk of real estate. Oh, and support for post-graduate college work. She's gotten what SHE wanted out of it. So now she's going to take what she wants, and break her promise of marriage.

sigh...

There's even more to it than that, that I dont feel free to reveal here. Suffice it to say, that my wife makes for very bad marriage material, and I have the unfortunate knowlege that even if she agreed to come back and work on our marriage... in some ways, i would still be better off with someone else

But our children wouldnt be.
And even if she feels free to break promises.. I dont.


She DOES still have positive qualities. She displays plenty of caring and consideration for whoever she dates online at the current moment in time.
Even with all her negatives, we could still have a good marriage together, if she chose to make me her exclusive interest.

Things arent looking very good for that score, though.

When she pushes the final divorce decree through in a few months, i'm guessing.... It's going to be extra challenging for me to not say to myself, "ok, i'm 'free', even on a biblical level.. the unbeliever has left me... i can do as I choose".

Can i hang on, for anther full 1-2 years, while she sorts her head out?

dunno.

sigh.