What CeMar wants is to have the state of happiness he once knew. The gap between that memory and where he is now is what makes him unhappy. I see nothing wrong with wanting to reach a higher level. The problem is not that this higher level of past happiness is not attainable, because in theory it is. The problem is that one partner does not feel comfortable at that level. So CeMar’s task is to find a way to make his wife comfortable at that “higher” level.
Some people want to get to this level but don’t understand how to do it. Learning, training, counseling can overcome this. Others, like CeMar’s wife and many others her, including my wife, have bigger issues that make it way to scary to want to go to this level. They need to have enough motivation to overcome that fear and push on to become acclimated to the higher air. That might mean the spouse needs to make the new level more inviting. But with CeMar’s wife (and mine), even that does not seem to be enough. That is what trauma will do to a person.
But where is the evidence that he has done anything to make the new level with him more inviting? Where's the attractiveness that would make her forget all her "reasons" for pulling away and drive her enthusiastically into his arms? He's having trouble getting himself into the mindset that breeds confidence and attractiveness. It looks to me like she would love nothing more than to get to that level... hell, she gives him opportunities to attract her and help her into that level every time he asks, and does all she can to meet his needs in the meantime... but she can't do it without his help and he can't help her until he gets into a better mindset.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
