Well its been a while since I updated. A lot has happened, some positive, some negative. Not sure how to interpret it all.
So i did rent the house, and my wife and I sat down and made a seperation schedule together. We even agreed for me to buy some nice new furniture. She even was up late text messaging me with links online for furniture I should look at.
So that all makes me feel like she is just feeling less guilty because we are partners in this dissolution. (not sure how we got there)
Then Monday the 3rd, it was a beautiful day and we take the girls out on our boat, we spend 5 hours together, playing music, drinking beers, laughing, all the while my wife is looking smoking hot in her bikini. At one point we are playing some dance type music and my wife is dancing on the boat and laughing with me. Looking at us from the outside and you'd say we were in love and a happy family having a great day.
Tuesday the 4th, we go to a friends house on the ocean for the fireworks as a 'family' - almost everyone there knows all about our situation. So its a bit uncomfortable for me, I think for her as well. Anyways, i put it aside and make it the best day I can for the kids. At times my wife would almost follow me around and join in conversations i was having with people.
Then on the 5th i flew to san francisco with friends for 5 nights. The first night i couldn't sleep i missed my kids. Second night, same deal. I almost got out of bed to change my flight to go home. I don't know how i'm going to handle this seperation. I call every day to talk to the girls and wish them a goodnight. Day 3 my wife calls me and tells me my older girl wants to talk to me and she misses me, she is crying on the phone. I talk to her, and try to make her feel better. My wife gets back on the phone and says shes been having a bad day and has been crying for me for a while now.
Next day, same deal - daughter is crying for me. It breaks my heart. At that moment I realize I can't move out of my house. Its not fair, and my kids will always think i abandoned them.
So i get home this week, and things are pretty calm and friendly with my wife. Then at night I tell her that I can't move out. She gets MAD as hell. She says 'what you can just change your mind, i thought we agreed to this. You just get to spend a ton of money on a house you aren't even going to live in?'
I kept calm and resolved. I told her 'i realized things about myself i can't compromise, and 1 of those things is that i am a good father. and by moving out of the house I feel i am compromising that about myself. I can't change how you feel about us, and i understand that I don't havecontrol over my ability to keep our family together so I can be a good father 100% of the time, but I can control whether or not I cooperate in dissolving our family. I know it doesn't change anything with us, but at least then I can live with myself.'
Anyways, i leave the room, and about an hour later comes down to my room. Doesn't have much to say, but we end up chatting about things for a few hours. Nothing substantial. A little about us and our relationship. She repeats how she doesn't love me anymore, etc. We talk a little about how our marriage simply got neglected. She asks 'so what do we do now?' I say 'you have to do what you need to do'. Which basically means she is going to have to file for divorce, and we will sell this house and finalize and move out together.
She then accuses me of sitting around hoping that OM turns out to be a jerk and she runs back to me asking for forgiveness. I tell her 'no, i honestly don't know how that would work out, i would rather we both make a decision to work on us as i know deep in my heart it could work, it would just be really hard.'
Anyways, the conversation ended around 4am. We go to bed, and the next day is pretty standard. Calm, my wife is nice to me, etc, we hang out in the back yard as a family getting some sun, etc. Even have dinner together at a restaurant. Beginning of dinner was a little tense, but around half way through dinner we end up goofing around with the kids and the whole family is laughing and having a really good time.
Fast forward to this weekend. Since I went out of town last weekend, this weekend was supposed to be hers. AND she left to go out of town for 4 days with OM. I hate the OM. Right before she left I heard her crying in her bedroom. I didn't go in because i wanted to give her her space. But around 10pm I walk in and ask her what time she is planning on leaving, and notice her eyes are really red. I say 'Is everything ok?' she says 'no, everythings not ok'. (in my mind i'm wondering if they broke up), well instead of asking i say 'would you like a hug? i know probably not from me, but i do have two arms' so i walk up to her and give her a hug and tell her 'i don't know whats bothering you, but i know everything will be okay, it always is.' It was a nice hug, i got a little squeeze back, but in all my wife was a little distant, lasted about 10 seconds and then i pulled away. Anyways, she says thanks, and then she gets back to packing and at one point before she walks out she indicates that why she was crying was she talked to her mom. And her mom does not want to talk to her about the OM. (so now i get it. She wanted to be all happy about her trip with OM, and her mom let her know she thinks she is making a big mistake and wants to hear nothing about him.) I was milling around, and she asks 'you look upset'. I reply 'not sure how i should look when my wife is leaving to spend the weekend with OM, i honestly don't even know what my feelings are right now there is so much going on inside me'. She said 'that makes two of us'.
So now i'm alone with the girls for 4 days. We are having a good time, and we watched some crappy Disney show about wishing upon a star, then last night i was putting the girls to bed, and the oldest says 'if i could make any wish, i would wish to live with you forever dad' (keep in mind they don't know about us living seperately at some point in the future) I almost cried, and told her that i loved her and would always be there for her.
Ok. So after reading some of frank_d's threads i feel like any positive encounters between us are positive and a move in the right direction.
On the other note, it seems like she just wants a partner in our divorce, and keeping me happy is her technique. She is pretty unconfrontational, and one of her traits is that she really doesn't like hurting people.
Either way. I am torn. The longer this goes on, the more i am angry with her. I don't know if i want to be married to someone who could act this way, and who would do this to her spouse. I will continue to DB though, because my kids deserves to have their mom and dad together. It also helps to think of my wife as hurt from years of neglect, and confused by her feelings for OM, and since her models growing up for what healthy relationships look like are non-existent, she feels the in-love feeling is what matters, not a loving caring partnership and deep friendship between two people.
It would take a miracle, and my wife would need to grow a lot to deserve a chance, but given serious dedication we can work through this. I don't know how, and i know its unlikely, but i don't give up easily.
SO where i'm at currently:
I feel this situation and in house seperation has helped me to grow as a person, it was probably even necessary for my growth. But i feel Divorce is bad for our family, and for us. So while i can't control the decision my wife is making, i don't need to be a partner in it. I will respect her decision and work through whatever direction she feels we need to go (even if it means divorce), but i won't compromise my values in doing so.
I feel this situation and in house seperation has helped me to grow as a person, it was probably even necessary for my growth. But i feel Divorce is bad for our family, and for us. So while i can't control the decision my wife is making, i don't need to be a partner in it. I will respect her decision and work through whatever direction she feels we need to go (even if it means divorce), but i won't compromise my values in doing so.
Yes, that's who you are. I'm proud of your changes.
Your W is finding that nobody, bur her, thinks she is making good decisions about OM. My W got the same lesson.
You can run, but you can't hide. Eventually it catches up to her.
I will respect her decision and work through whatever direction she feels we need to go (even if it means divorce), but i won't compromise my values in doing so.
Next, you are doing great brother, this the mindset that you need to have. Hopefully a miracle will occur before your W creates more damage. Enjoy your time with your girls. You are a great Dad, never forget that.
Once thing comes to my mind. My wife asked me for a trial separation. I said no. We are still still living together.
Someone pointed something out me, maybe it applies to you, too.
Your wife won't leave without the kids. She can't really leave with them, unless she files for divorce and the judge decides who goes where. The last "civil" option is getting you to leave voluntarily. You must conspire with her to end your marriage. Of course she's nice to you when you are making motions to leave. She might even suggest it will give you both MORE hope to reconcile. She wants you to unseat yourself and give you place to another man.
Don't walk out on your kids until the judge tells you to.
Anyways, she even asked me why I'm not standing up for myself more (half jokingly), as she is getting the best of both worlds. A crazy 'in love' infatuation, and the stability of being at home.
She's giving you the answer: stand up for yourself.
How do you stand up for yourself:
1. Refuse to leave your home until you are divorced. 2. Refuse to buy her any homes. 3. You've done the nice, attentive husband thing. Maybe it's time you try some things like going dark, being mysterious, taking up hobbies that increase your personal power.
Way of the Superior Man and Making Her Happy are very key.
I think you have exhausted the nice guy, "trying hard to save your marriage" approach.
Save yourself, you may end up saving your marriage.
Perhaps the questions you might be asking yourself are: "What is my call to adventure? Where is my true manhood? Where is the warrior in me?"
The OM is a loser. He doesn't even compare. If your wife chooses him, then it proves what a loser she is. If she chooses you, then she needs to grow up and be the kind of woman to be worthy to stand by your side.
I like my board name, Theoden. If you recall in the movie the Two Towers (from the Lord of the Rings) and in the book, Theoden is a great and powerful warrior-king who was entranced by the evil wizard Saruman into becoming a weak and confused man, who allowed his Kingdom to fall to pieces and did nothing wile enemies plundered his people. It took someone like Gandalf to help him break the enchantment and wake up, realizing who he was. He awoke and found his strength again. He felt his power again. He felt the ancient force of his ancestors flow through his veins when he grasped his sword again.
I think we are all like Theoden. We were sleepwalking through life, enchanted by mediocrity and complascency.
We are here to help each other awake.
Frank-D, Daeda and Cunningham are all Gandalf figures.
Focus on the fun part of your life. Be strong.
In a few weeks I'm going to start taking Karate. Hold me accountable. Try something warrior-like for yourself.
Here's Theoden's Battle Cry:
Arise now, arise, Riders of Théoden! Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!
This was Theoden's funeral song:
Out of doubt, out of dark, to the day's rising he rode singing in the sun, sword unsheathing. Hope he rekindled, and in hope ended; over death, over dread, over doom lifted out of loss, out of life, unto long glory.
Let's set aside doubt and darnkness. Let's unsheath our swords and sing in the sun, full of the lust of battle, rekindling hope and fighting with honor.
Your W is finding that nobody, bur her, thinks she is making good decisions about OM. My W got the same lesson.
Yes, but unfortunately i feel like this just makes them cling to each other more. Since no one wants to hear about their 'undying love'.
So my wife is supposed to come home today/tonight. No idea when. I feel a little down, simply because i'm conflicted, I'm angry and disgusted that she would act like this, and flaunt this relationship in front of the father of her children and the man she married 7 years ago. Its disgusting. At the same time i have feelings for her based on the person she is underneath all of this. I also want more than anything to keep my family together for my childrens sake.
Either way, i hear the advice here. And i know it deep in my heart. I need to live a life that I am happy with ALONE. And then if things change, i may let her join me in my life. I have not been pursuing, but i have been making myself too available. And thats because i've been weak. I plan on stopping that ASAP. It should be easy this week, because i don't even want to see her right now. I feel sick just thinking about her coming home.
So i found out last night what my wife was crying about just before she left for her 'weekend with OM'. Apparently she had some sore/cut in her private areas, and went to the doctor to check it out. The doctor said it was genital herpes, and prescribed a bunch of medicine.
Now - last night she gets a call from the doctor, and they say the tested the cultures and have been trying to get a hold of her, and they were wrong, and she is clean.
My wife tells me all this, (which i am grateful for as it shows she can still talk to me), but it confuses me. So the doctor told her that its possible she already had it from before our relationship (9 years of being loyal) but its likely it came from someone new. So She went on vacation with this guy, even though he could have infected her with an incurable STD? I guess she is in a real fog.
Now she knew this, and still went away for the weekend with the guy, because he told her he didn't have it, and had been tested, and even if he did give it to her - he might have not known, as apparently a lot of people are carriers without knowing it. The doctor said (20-25% of the dating community).
Still... I had to finally just tell her i'm really happy she is not sick, and left the room to do something else, I don't exactly like thinking about her having sex with another man. Either way i'm really happy she is clean, as it would have changed the way i feel about reconciliation and keeping my family together.
So last night, she was doing something and talking to a friend, and something she said upset me. I kind of lost my temper slightly. She asked 'whats wrong?' and i said 'NOTHING IS WRONG, WHY WOULD ANYTHING BE WRONG' loudly. She followed me to the office and said it makes her uncomfortable when i do that. I don't do that often, and i told her ' i can understand that, and i will find better ways to handle myself in the future'.
I then asked 'Do you think you might be throwing away something really good?' - 'Do you ever feel like you are making a mistake?' - she said 'Every day, but its a mistake i feel like i need to make. We need to at least be seperated right now'.
Then she said - SHE would be okay with moving into the house I rented, but we would need to straigthen some stuff out before she does. (i am assuming legal protection). Then this morning she asked if I had bought any new furniture before i decided not to move into the house.
anyways. today i have a full day. so i'm off to get that started.
I then asked 'Do you think you might be throwing away something really good?' - 'Do you ever feel like you are making a mistake?' - she said 'Every day, but its a mistake i feel like i need to make. We need to at least be seperated right now'.
You know what I'm about to say. Conversations like this go nowhere. You can't persuade her to think. Nothing you SAY will persuade her. It's the life you live that will cause her to think.
Hang tough. Do not move out of your house. Kids should stay with you.
There's someone on this board MCOJH, who, once his wife left, had her start to chase him slowly.
