Yesterday was my husband's birthday. I called him to wish him happy birthday.
I've actually been doing the equivalent of Andy's 'hug and run'. I would call him first thing in the morning at his job and speak to him for about 2 min. I made sure I was always perky and loving. And then I'd tell him I had to go and say bye.
That seemed to be getting a favorable response from him. He kept thanking me for calling and he continued to sound happy to hear from me.
I got my emotional need satisfied, and I showed him my happy self. Without intense conversations. Just staying very light-hearted.
Then yesterday, he starts back to his more of the same. Did I mention it was his birthday? Well I asked when we would get together to do our joint birthday celebration. He said he'd let me know. That he couldn't do it this weekend because he would be out of town. I asked what he would be doing and he didn't answer but said he had to go.
Sigh.
I get nosy and he goes back to his same routine of the 'aloof rebel.'
Ouch.
So, this is my hang up.
My insecure self is thinking, "I'm his WIFE! Don't I have the RIGHT to know what his plans are? Why is he doing this if he's got nothing to hide?"
My DBing self says, "What'd you expect, you went back to old habit and he responded the same way he always has."
Ouch.
I keep talking about not calling him and putting less effort into the relationship.
I get confused though, because it seems like my phone calls are being met with a favorable response. So, if I keep calling him, I'm doing more of what works. Right?
Yet, I need to keep in mind my long term goals.
I want to have an open honest relationship with my husband. Someone who shares things with me. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who will put in half the effort to keep the relationship good.
Someone who makes me feel good about myself and who I am.
He's a little boy sometimes, a teenage rebel sometimes. The only times I've seen the man lately, is when he's being business-like with me. In regards to our taxes and finances.
I'm hurting and so now I'm wondering again, if there's any purpose to us being together. Yes, I feel all warm and fuzzy when I hear his voice. But he has different goals than I.
He wants to be a beach bum. Not interested in a career, just wants to make enough money to cover financial needs. He's happy being a hermit and having very superficial relationships with people.
I am constantly trying to become a better person. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. I want a deep relationship with a few people in my life. I want a career that is personally fulfilling and satisfying and makes a positive difference. I'd love to have my own massage therapy businesess and write part time. I don't know if I could make any money writing books, but I'd love to make it a hobby. At some point, I imagine being a stay at home mom and running my massage business out of my house.
He just wants to play.
I'm 28...he's 29. We have no kids.
There is no reason why we can't just go our separate ways.
We've already split up the finances. I'm living with my parents and getting my life back on track. I'm paying off all my hospital debts from 2 years ago. I'm losing weight. 2.6 pounds down this past week! I'll gradutate from massage therapy school in June. I have a great job with benifits at my favorite University.
Whenever I think of us, I see him as a devil, me as an angel. Not a realistic characterization, I know. But he's always wanted to be evil , and I'm always trying to become a better person.
Can this kind of relationship work, much less have a happy home and bring up good kids?
There's been several incidents that make me question his character. But I keep telling myself that the past is past. It's not fair for me to hold things against him.
But my entire family seems to be against him.
And as I make progress in my life, I get scared and anxious. I am moving further down the path I envision for myself. He really doesn't want anything to do with these things. He's not interested in helping people. He's said to me in the past, "People annoy me. I don't like people." another time he said, "People annoy me, you annoy me the least."
My DBing self says this is all in the past. He's changing, I'm changing. I need to find out who these new people are..and see if we are compatible.
If he were a friend that I hadn't heard from, I'd call maybe once every 3 months.
If he were a friend that didn't want to tell me his plans, I'd be wondering why this 'friend' was so walled off. I'd assume that it had to do with his inner demons and not me, and I wouldn't take it so personally. I'd probably cut him some slack and not be hurt by it. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
I know that DBing has helped me a lot. Helped me be a better happier person.
, and I'm always trying to become a better person.
