Frustrated and Saddened #2

[stewart10]

Well, I guess I know what my homework for the next couple weeks is going to be. DETACHMENT. I have been doing a pretty good job of giving her space, but haven't really detached from her. It is going to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. I have been driving myself crazy always thinking about my situation. It just seems like without her by my side, I don't have any plans for the future. Everything that I have done the past 10 years has been for her and to build our future together.

From all of you more experienced DB'ers out there, what steps did you use to begin the process of detaching from your spouses? I would imagine that the first steps taken are the hardest, so I would like some advice on initial actions to start to begin the detaching process.

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Like you, I still have a hard time imagining my life without my W in it. Theoretically, I know that time will smooth out those feelings, life will continue, and, unless she turns around, I'll eventually meet someone else. For me, the first step was really understanding that those things will happen. I tried to remember hurts/disappointments from the past. You can still imagine/remember the sharp initial pain, but you also feel now only a vague sense of regret/disappointment/whatever. That gave me a sense of peace and knowing that time really does heal all [well, most] wounds.

Really feeling that was my first step. After that, I started looking at what makes me happy and started focusing on that. In a wierd way, once I finally understand how responsible I was for where we were in the R, and could really understand how I had made my W feel, I stopped blaming her and holding on to her and started really looking at me. I don't know why that's giving me a feeling of peace, but it has.

You also have to decide that you're not going to focus all of your thoughts on your W. Choose to focus on you. Take care of you. As you do that and do things for fun for you, you'll be less focused on your W, what she's doing, etc. That doesn't mean, for me at least, feeling numb or falling out of love. Apologies for this analogy, but I've never tried to articulate any of this. It's almost like putting a rubber glove around your feelings for your W. They are there, you can feel them, there's touch and sensation and all of that, but those feelings are dulled. You can also take that glove off quickly and feel everything fully again.

And you're right, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. And it absolutely blows.

BD

[Iamworththetime]

In a wierd way, once I finally understand how responsible I was for where we were in the R, and could really understand how I had made my W feel, I stopped blaming her and holding on to her and started really looking at me. I don't know why that's giving me a feeling of peace, but it has.

I agree, this is helping me detatch too, although it bothered me that she went out last night, it didn't bother me as much as it had in the past because for one, I expected her to go out so it wasn't a surprise when she did, and two, I know that although this sucks and knowing that the woman I love says she doesn't love me, I know that life will go on.

[waw1978]

Stew

Have a good weekend. Try to get out and do something for yourself that you will enjoy and help take your mind off your sitch and your W.

Try not to get discouraged and feel like you have no future. Of course you have a future, we all have one. Is it the way you pictured it before the bomb? Probably not, but very few futures ever turn out the way a person envisioned them. Try to take one day at a time. Don't worry so much about down the road when you could be making the best of and enjoying the present

[C_K]

stu

This is great advice from waw1978

Don't worry so much about down the road when you could be making the best of and enjoying the present

Anything can happen tommorrow , this is your sitch as it is right now, Live it to the best of your ability.

You will have the times when you are realy down thats normal, but find stuff that makes you happy and get out and do it.

Dave

[stewart10]

First test tonight on detaching. She just texted me telling me she is not coming home tonight. She is sleeping at female friends' house and getting pedicure tomorrow. I am not going to reply to the text for quite a while. I wish she would come home tonight, but there is not much I can do about it. Figure I will just try and get some rest since I have not had much at all the last week or so. I can't remember the last time I actually slept through the night without waking up 20 times a night.

[stewart10]

Well, got the expected left hook this weekend. She stayed at her friends' house last night. Came home today at 5:00. Then went back out with the same friend at 8:30 and she texts me few minutes ago saying that she is on her way to her friends' house and will call me in 20 minutes. Again, she does not tell me that she is going to be staying there so I have been waiting for her to come home all night. I have been able to get some sleep, but not much.

Now, for some venting.... At what point does this become too unfair, too much for me to handle. She is out doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants and I don't say anything to her about it. It just seems like she is taking advantage of my willingness to work things out. I am starting to feel like a doormat and I don't like it at all. I don't know if she is testing me, but I suspect that she likes her new found freedom without any accountability and things won't be going back to the way they were. I think it may be time to set some boundaries. Anybody out there have any ideas on setting some boundaries with a WAW?

[Iamworththetime]

I'm not sure either Stewart, I hope someone aswers this, because I'd like to do that too.

[limbo]

Stew,
Only you can answer as to how long you are prepared to continue like this, you have to be be the one decided.
There is no formula, I guess you have to look at what you are doing, and decide if there are any changes for the better, can you see a glimmer of light.
And ultimatley you have to look at what impact this is having on you, have you done everything you can, and decide what you really want.
Alot of people here have been DB for sometime, because for them they feel this is the right thing, some not so long, you have to decided based on your situation.

Sorry it doesn't come with an easy answer.

[waw1978]

Hey Stew & Dustin,

I know this whole situation with M's sucks. Bottom line. No denying it. Sucks for the other person too. No one wants their M to go belly up!

Of course there will be a point where this is "too much" and you begin to feel like a doormat. Guess what? Your W's are adults. You cannot control your W's actions or feelings. You are only responsible for you actions and feelings. So if you are starting to feel like a doormat my suggestion to is get on with your life. Stop being a doormat. They are not making you sit at home and wait for them. Go do your own thing. Stop making the W's the center of your happiness. Cause you know what? Thats not going to change the W's feelings. Seriously, start making your own plans without checking in with the W's and see how they like it. This will get their attention without you saying a word. This whole boundaries thing? May cause the W's to take that final step and move out. Is this what you want? If it is...plow ahead. But don't be surprised if the moving truck is not far behind. As long as you know they are not cheating on you, any other "boundaries" will be seen as you trying to control them.

Maybe this is sounding harsh and I am sorry cause I mean this to be helpful to you both.