I am here seeking help, we seperated 2 weeks ago, I left the state to go stay with my family. He filed for D last Friday. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I dont know what to do. I am trying to give him space, but I feel I need to talk to him. I feel if he would just give us a chance, he would see that we can be a family again. I started to read DR. I know if I give him some space, stop talking and show him that I can change, that he may change his mind. Does anyone have any advice for me? I dont know where to turn, he was always there for me and now that is gone. It seems to soon to me, like he jumped the gun and now wont turn back. I cant seem to get angry at him, I know in my heart that I have to fight for my marriage. One of us has to and I already stand to lose him, so what else do I have to lose? Has anyone had any success when one spouse has no intentions of working on the relationship?
I'm sorry you find yourself here. There is a lot of people here though that will help and support you. Know that you are not alone.
I don't have a success yet. I can tell you to not beg, plead, pursue or talk about your R. Easier said then done I know. We all do that when our spouses first leave. But all that does is push them farther away. Leave him alone. Let him have time to think, feel and maybe even miss you. Read DR follow the steps. If nothing else it will help you be a better person and no matter what the outcome of your sitch you'll be okay with you.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
Sorry to see you here. What caused the separation? What do you have to change? You say you read DR, there are no quick fixes to this. There are many things in DR you can use. Even though he has no intentions on working on the M, you can still work on yourself. It is going to take a while, but once you do start working on yourself, you will start to see things more clearly. But first you have to with yourself.
Thank you for the advice, your right, when I left I begged him to let me come home, I tried to bargin with him, anything, it just made him more mad and he would hang up on me. It is so hard because now we are so far apart. It is my fault, I had no support there so I ran to my family. I know we both have made mistakes, our marriage was not perfect, but we love each other. I know he still loves me. He says this has nothing to do with love, that he realizes that he has to make changes and doesnt think he can do it with me. We are both at fault for where we are today, I am willing to take responsibility for my actions. But I feel like a failure, we have 15 years together and 3 daughters. Today is the first time I havent called him since we left, so I am off to a start, not a good start because I am dying to talk to him, but a least its a start!
The seperation was due to the fact that we fought so much over the last month and a half. The night before I left, we had such a horrible fight, so I left, I thought it might be good to be seperated for a while, that we could work on things. I didnt think he would file so quickly. It isnt the best decision I have made, but I cant change time. I have every intention on moving back to the state. I just need some time to heal. I know there are no quick fixes, I just need a little support so I do the right thing for me and my family. And right now I think the right thing is to fight for my marriage.
I understand feeling like if you could just talk to him, if you could just get thru to him. But really doesn't do any good. They don't want to hear what you have to say. I know how hard it is to back off. My H left just over 2 months ago. At first I did the talks, crying, saying I love you. It just wasn't working. I backed off and he started approaching me. Now he's backed off so we aren't really talking to one another outside of the kids. It's hardest thing in the world for me to not have some kind of contact but with time it gets easier. I still want to talk to him but I don't have the urge to start a conversation when I see him online. I'm working on me now. I'm doing things I enjoy doing. Along with taking care of my kids. I still have my down times and I still cry but I'm better then I was when it first happened.
In dealing with this you have to have patience and lots of it. They say time is on our side.
One thing you should keep in mind believe none of what he says and only half of what you see.
W: 33 H: 37 SS: 14 S: 7 S: 3 married 08/09/97 Seperated 11/02 05/07 H moved back 8/26/07
So, you've been together since he was 24...he's about to turn 40.
Go to the Midlife Crisis board and read the resources at the top.
Also, have you read the Walkaway Wife Syndrome? It applies to either spouse.
If he's MLC, I am very sorry. You are in for the worst 2-5 years of your life if you want to save it.
If he's WAH, I am also very sorry. Your marriage is over.
So, basically, sorry to see you here but we'll be here to support you either way.
that's not necessarilly true. It is SUPER hard, but not impossible. The wall that needs to come down is super thick and super tall, so get ready for work. Good Luck!!! Here's the article:
Well, I think we know that from being here. Or maybe we're being too loose with the term WAW in here then? I know my situation is similar to the article, but not just how Michelle has described. Doesn't mean I think my marriage will survive becaue my W isn't EXACTLY a WAW, but who knows.
Shoot, I wish she'd read that article to see if she thinks she fits the mold.
If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?
Especially the part about men being slow to catch on, yeah, no kidding!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
