Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

He has hardened his heart towards me. I can tell. Last night might have been the final nudge he needed to decide that he has GOT to get out of here. On the other hand, that was the plan anyway, so it's not like I put something "new" into his head. In fact, July 5th he said that no matter what happened, he HAD to feel what it was like to have freedom. That there was no way around it; we needed to separate. Period.

He told me to ask him in a few weeks if there was any hope (obviously meaning that as of this second, there is none). I wonder, *do* I ask. No, probably not. Although, if it seems fruitless and that I am just delaying the inevitable, then I may end up asking just so that I can start moving forward with my life. Because the only way I can stay in this house is if he decides he wants to get back together. Otherwise, it's me leaving. In the meantime, I will be living in a shrine to our marriage. I wouldn't feel "right" to put all of his stuff away-especially knowing that he will have to unpack it- maybe as soon as 3 months from now. He has an extensive dragon collection, videos, etc. He only plans to take the bare minimum with him when he moves since it is only temporary.

[Dom R]

Good luck to you.

try not to go to any extremes. Dont be reactive to the crazy things he does. Maybe just try to let him do what he thinks he needs to do for now.

HE's the one trying to "find himself". you should already know who you are.

Be as consistant to yourself as you can. take care of yourself. Let him do the crazy pendulum swinging of behaviour. Try to find a peaceful inner place for yourself, that you can wait in.

to quote that other site: "Be the lighthouse".
Let the waves crash around you, and expend their energy uselessly around your stable base.
Keep your light shining, as a beacon for the way home, when he is ready.

[Dom R]

(dangit.. "edit" timeout...)

Just wanted to say, that the point from the lighthouse, above... is that lighthouses dont "pull" ships to safe harbor. They only show the way. it's up to the ship's captain, to follow the light.

[MikeinMidland2]

"Ask me in a few weeks" means "shut up already," but said in a way that may actually end the inquisition instead of igniting an argument.

You cannot decide right now that you WILL ask him in 3 weeks, only that you will NOT ask for at least that long. You really need to shift it into neutral and stop pursuing.

Let's pretend. You have this house, and you need a little more income, so you decide to rent out your spare room. Now imagine the homeliest, most unattractive man your age that you know. Maybe that plumber with his crack showing. That is who you rented the room to.

He has use of the kitchen, the laundry, the common areas. You don't clean his room, you don't shop for him, cook for him, or anything. You would never go out with him, or even tell him where you were going.

No sex of course. If he tried to make a pass at you, you'd probably throw up a little in your mouth. Imagine this guy, preferrably a real person, whenever you bump into your H in the hall.

You don't need to purge the whole house of your H's things. But do remove all of his stuff from YOUR bedroom. Rearrange the furniture. Get a new bedspread or something to change the look of the room a bit. And start locking your bedroom door every night.

If this seems extreme, you need to realize that all of this is easily reversible, compared to buying a condo or even signing a lease on an apt.

[Trixi]

Thanks Dom.
My hope is that once he moves out (and I get past the initial grief) I will be able to get some much needed perspective and grounding. Right now I feel as if I am twisting in the wind.

I grew up in an alcoholic household where it was fairly volatile-so I needed to become very skilled in reading moods, etc. Unfortunately, that means I am very sensitive to his moods and I can't not read them.

For those that still live with their spouse and are detached-I commend you.

[Trixi]

I don't know how I missed this post--thank goodness I spotted it now. I needed the laugh.

"Ask me in a few weeks" means "shut up already," but said in a way that may actually end the inquisition instead of igniting an argument.

You cannot decide right now that you WILL ask him in 3 weeks, only that you will NOT ask for at least that long. You really need to shift it into neutral and stop pursuing.

True dat

Let's pretend. You have this house, and you need a little more income, so you decide to rent out your spare room. Now imagine the homeliest, most unattractive man your age that you know. Maybe that plumber with his crack showing. That is who you rented the room to.

He has use of the kitchen, the laundry, the common areas. You don't clean his room, you don't shop for him, cook for him, or anything. You would never go out with him, or even tell him where you were going.

No sex of course. If he tried to make a pass at you, you'd probably throw up a little in your mouth.

ROFLMAO

Imagine this guy, preferrably a real person, whenever you bump into your H in the hall.

You don't need to purge the whole house of your H's things. But do remove all of his stuff from YOUR bedroom. Rearrange the furniture. Get a new bedspread or something to change the look of the room a bit. And start locking your bedroom door every night.

If this seems extreme, you need to realize that all of this is easily reversible, compared to buying a condo or even signing a lease on an apt.

Mike- kudos to you for creating an excellent visual that explains detachment in a more concrete term. Well done.
I am paralyzed with confusion. I don't really feel like tossing him out of the bedroom (for the third time) since he is trying to move out anyway. Talk about looking like an irrational woman. I have a feeling he'll be out of here within the next week, if not sooner.

I went and looked at a very cute condo today (one that I could afford). Several units are being rented out, so I would be able to see how close the rent would come to covering the mortgage if we somehow worked out. And if we don't work out, well, at least I am well on my way to creating my own life. But if I all of a sudden go in that direction I am being irrational.

Nothing in my world makes sense to me right now.

And now you can see why I am paralyzed with confusion.

[Dom R]

I think Mike has an excellent idea.

if you feel bad about making him move out of "the bedroom".. fine! there's an easy solution to that.
YOU move out, to another bedroom in the house.

if you are looking at moving out, yourself, anyways.. this should be easy.

[mkultra]

(dangit.. "edit" timeout...)

Just wanted to say, that the point from the lighthouse, above... is that lighthouses dont "pull" ships to safe harbor. They only show the way. it's up to the ship's captain, to follow the light.

UM, That makes me want to cry. I realllllyy needed to read that at this moment. My in laws are flying in this very night and there are much older and wiser than me. I did not know whatto anticipate. I will keep this in mind when we are all together pretending to be a family again for the sake of the kids. well, I guess we can still be a real family if that is the choice.

[mkultra]

Dom, do you realize how much money you have saved me from therapy. I jest, but my therapist never put things this clearly.